OLD PEOPLE ARE CUTE WHEN THEY THINK THEY HAVE WISDOM

One morning I was waiting at the bus stop for my regular bus I take to the office,but that day it was unusually late so I had nothing else to do but to sit there all jittery cos I was getting late for a meeting.Just then an wrinkly old man,old enough to not have any peer pressure,dressed in white came and sat next to me.And then he turned to me and he said"I am going to ask you something and please tell the truth".I was thinking to myself,holy shit!! his lower jaw teeth are missing,but nevertheless I said "Yes,what do you want to ask? Then he said "Are you an angry person?".Hmm,may be he read my blog,but just for the heck of it I said yes and hung my head."But how are you able to deduce that"."Well it's all written on your face,I can read faces". Little did he know that my grumpy face was cos the bus was late and so was I for the meeting.But I allowed him to continue cos I was getting free counseling at a bus stop and also cos it was a lil funny to hear air whiz out through his teeth.So he continued,whenever you get angry have a glass of water and take the God's name.I gave him the standard "the boss is always right" kinda nod of approval which takes a little bit of acting and hell lot of indifference.Then he asked"Do you touch your parent's feet as the first thing you do after you get up?"
What am I some kind of superson ,also I didn't want to tell him that the first thing I do after I get up is scratch myself at strategic places like a normal person(jus kiddin,they aren't strategic).So I said no.

Then he asked me my name and then swiftly deduced my astrological sign. Unfortunately he got it wrong, but I didn't have the heart to tell him that.So he looks up and makes an imaginary horoscope with his eyes and then asks me "Are you married?".I thought he was deducing this from my grumpy face.But as much as I wanted to say yes to pass some time I had to say no cos then what if he asked my wife's name,I suck at making up fake names.Then he asked"Are you a working professional?"
I said yes(with a sense of self importance).He took this as a cue to impart his knowledge of life cos by this time I think I had him convinced that I needed it badly.But sadly for him the bus which I thought was late had arrived just in time creating an exit for me.I stood up,shook the man's hand and boarded the bus.

I think old people generally forget how it is to be young and somehow feel that they should be more full of wisdom when their age is nearing a three digit number.Ya,but what else can they do to pass time besides reading the obituaries to see who all they beat.People have to understand that they don't need to be full of wisdom just to justify their age,it doesn't work that way.I couldn't help but remember the saying-The old love to give advice cos they can no longer set bad examples.I waved him good bye from the window seat and thanked god that I had only one wrinkle and I was sitting on it.

Branica Counters

FUN / ANNOYING / WEIRD THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED AT THE OFFICE

1. Walk into an elevator with people , stand and face towards one of the corners and sigh every 5 seconds

2. Wait at the top floor for the elevator and then when it comes ask whether it is going up, when they laugh, say softly with a sheepish smile “only I know about the extra floor I guess”.

3. Call up reception from your neighbor’s desk and ask her to call out for Mr Ulasion , first name Jack.

4. Pretend to dodge invisible bullets.

5. Always leave a printout from your PC in bold letters saying “ I know what you did last night” at the common printer on the floor.

6. While working on your PC shout “oh no , they are on to me” and then get up and run frantically.

7. Say “I am in” and then type really fast without looking at your neighbour, suddenly pause , press enter and say “3..2..1…, whoa! I will never have to work again!”

8. Refer to yourself in the third person for one whole day.

9. Make your office supplies fight with each other.

10. Play the star wars music on your PC whenever you get up from your desk.

11. Look suspicious the entire day, and when asked why , say softly “easy,they can hear you”.

12. Start a conversation about girl friends, and when asked about yours , say , “ like you guys, mine’s also beautiful but also inflatable”.

13. Get a clap switch for your desk lights and then act all king like .

14. Draw a picture of a baby stabbing a lil white bunny with a kitchen knife and pin it up on your desk. On being asked say your 8 year old son made this because he wants to be a doctor when he grows up. Insist on an Awww.....

15. When in a crowded lift, say the floor numbers out loud when they pass by.

16. Get a gerbil and release it in the AC ducts.

17. Get up and pet the office plant in the corner and then return to your table.

18. Give an internet applause (tapping your finger gently on keyboard) and say yayyyy…. every time you finish with a download.

19. If you have a chair that spins then spin yourself and pretend to shoot a double barreled gun with your fingers. After coming to a stop blow the nozzle and say “mind it”.

20. Talk like the “rainman” the entire day.

21. Make a voodoo doll of your boss and pretend to do black (or African American) magic.

22. Read your company policy backwards and claim to have found hidden satanic messages.

23. When in a meeting sit way back , wear one of those big foam fingers showing “NO.1” and look seriously at your colleague giving a presentation. Later tell him , “that’s not the finger I was actually holding up”.

24. Pretend going to meetings as going to a movie theatre. Ask for drinks, insist for an usherer , whistle in between, claim you are bored and ask for your money back.

25. Before you get off the phone with a co-worker ask, “should I super-size that order” or “would you like fries with that”.

Branica Counters

GADGETS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE

The other day I was on YouTube and I watched a video of Microsoft's future endeavour in technology in gadgets. What they showed was quite good, for eg. a graphical interface telling you what you looking at and many more things. But this really doesn't fascinate me much . I like gadgets which  really make a hell lot of difference in my life.
But before I tell you about the gadgets I would like to have, you should probably know a few things about me.
I am a kinda guy who doesn't really like to be around people much. Forced socialising is not my cup of tea. I can't plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend to be interested in what you are saying. Chances are I would probabaly let you know. Sometimes I pretend to not remember the person when he/she says hi ,just out of the fear of a conversation. But that never works.I also do not understand the complexities involved in male-female bonding, not that I am gay or anything.To me life is not a box of choclates. My understanding of life so far is "If everything is coming your way, you are driving in the wrong lane".
Since now you know me a litlle better(or so you think) lets look at my dream gadgets.

Gadget no.1-.I believe this gadget has already made it's first cut in the movie Men In Black. I like to call it "The Zapper 2000".

Ya, that's right , it's the lil pen like thing which sends out a flash and erases your memory. I can't even begin to imagine what a life saver it would be for me. What if you are stuck talking to some boring coleague about his 3 month old baby for 15 mins? You just reach for your pocket and say "cheese" and you walk away.Come back ,crack him in the nuts and then say "cheese" again and leave.Everybody wins.No, actualy only I win.  But that's the idea I believe.
You can use this on yourself too if you need to get something unpleasant out of your head.Saw telletubbies? Walking behind a fat guy wearing sliding hip jeans? Accidentally felt a guy in the crowded train? Saw F.R.I.E.N.D.S? fear not, just take out the zapper 2000 and free yourself from the 4 nights of insomnia.But overuse on self can make you talk like a doddering oaf or even worse, like George Bush.

Gadget no 2-I believe as human beings we have come a long way understanding ourselves, how we operate.
We have gracefully accepted evolution and all the answers it offers us. But none of that understanding from evolution still enables us to understand a woman yet.We know more about the mating habits of baboons than we do about women.So I am not going to spend my time deciphering this code, instead a gadget should do all this. I like to call it the "Womanalyzer". This would be just a hi-tech pair of shades which gives you relevant details in graphical form on your shades of the woman in your vision.Just like the microsoft future gadgets . Data represented should be in 'guy terms'. I have taken the liberty to demonstrate a few.

 

 

 

No more dating game. Just wear it and pretend all is well with the world. No more trying to figure out mixed signals. Kinda like the "Lemon Law"(courtesy:Barney Stinson-HIMYM).

And if the remote chance arises that the device has misguided you, well, you can always reach for your pocket and say "cheese".

Branica Counters

A SHAVING CREAM A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY

So yesterday I was out to get me some quarterly supply of shaving cream . I was walking down the aisle and I noticed a plethora of products in fancy packing, but the funny thing was that I didn’t realize that they were all shaving creams and you know why I didn’t realize it , cos most of them had some fruit extracts in it. Yeah that’s right, now I am standing there staring at the shaving cream with the mango extract . I was wondering where did my regular plain old shaving cream go ? And at that exact moment I felt it all , a complete jackass standing in an aisle in his shorts with an empty basket trying to shop for fruity shaving creams .

I don’t know what is this sick impulsion people have of putting fruit into everything, I mean I always knew a little bit of lemon was always there in each product but it was strictly as an essence , and now here we have apple extract face wash, mango extract sunscreen, aloe extract hand wash, jojoba extract cleanser , jojoba extract cleanser!!! I don’t even know what the hell is a jojoba supposed to be !!! whenever I see jojoba I figure it to be some exotic fruit from some African jungle with mystical powers. I felt as if I was in my house for too long and the world changed around me. Why did they have to go so far as to messing with the men’s shaving cream ? And since I for one am a rebel won’t ever use anything with fruit extracts. One of these things had everything,jojoba,avocado,mango,apple…, I wasn’t sure whether to shave with it or eat it with a box of cereals. Oh and ya mind you , I was standing in the men’s section and not the women’s by mistake.

Their commercials are also kinda yummy, I mean all that cream and strawberries and choclate really gets an appetite going . And don’t even get me started on the whole issue of fairness cream. If it’s so natural then why should it change the natural colour of my skin? Anyways I was pissed off mostly cos they decided to fruit up my shaving gel .So I just picked up a Palmolive and got the hell out of there.

But when I came back home and was washing up I noticed something I had never noticed before. It was my shampoo , it had some extracts of its own. I generally don’t look at the shampoo at home , if something is kept on the shelf I use it. But besides the extracts in the shampoo I saw something aggressive written on it.



Yeah that’s right, “ dangerously straight” and after I used it I found my hair to be “ dangerously okay”. Yup nothing happened , it wasn’t so dangerously pin straight that I start looking like a goth. So I asked this management guy who sits next to me in the office that what’s up with this viral marketing with fruits, why aren’t we eating them if they are so nutritious? So then he tells me about the whole blue ocean strategy. This basically says there’s a red and a blue ocean , red’s for the competitive products and blue is for unique products with qualities no one else has.
Now my hair is supposed to smell like almonds, my face like a mango and hands like a peach. Makes you a damn freak I tell you. I don’t know what to expect in my next quarterly visit to replenish my supply, a pasta flavored skin cream with cantelope extract?? Seriously guys these kinda things may cause seizures or something or atleast make you gay.
NOTE: If you watch Grey’s anatomy or Friends then you are already in an advanced stage of using these products . I will pray for you.

Branica Counters

CHAT ROOMS ARE FUN

This is one of the actual chats from a chatroom , don't ask me how I got it.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

Branica Counters

BORED?? KILL YOUR TIME HERE

Ofcourse you are bored , no wonder you are skimping through blogs.Anywho , feel free to waste your time on these links..
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https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/squares.swf
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/bubblewrap.swf
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/backmasking.swf

BATTLE ROYALE: COMMON SENSE VS SAMAJWADI PARTY

As I sip my morning cup of coffee, I pick up the paper. In it I read a manifesto of a party, then I check for the date on the paper and it isn’t april 1st . My heart still feeling the fibrillating excitement it always feels when it is just about to discover something/someone really stupid, I decided to read on. And voila!! Samajwadi party makes my day.
Their manifesto not only makes bold claims to blow India’s ass back to the B.Cs but also does it without anticipating it. We don’t need time travel, just vote samajwadi party and good times will be had(unless you want to travel to the future).
To be honest I realy don’t care about voting, not that I am really sad over the whole political scenario and have lost all hope but mostly because personally i feel it wouldn’t affect me if either party ruled(when has it mattered anyways).
Also the cock faces who say 100% voting is the way to a good and fair government don’t realize a simple thing. At the most only 30% of the population is educated enough to make an educated choice over a party’s manifesto , rest all votes go for as cheap as 100 bucks or a square meal. 100% voting won’t solve anything, so please stop forcing down all that jaagore.com propaganda down my throat. Plus those 30% realize that the agendas really are not that substantial and wouldn’t really affect them anyways. But for now I find none of the parties with a good enough agenda so I don’t care about the vote(really sorry to disappoint the ‘lets vote and make a change’ youth)
Now getting back to the manifesto-

Here are the key "promises" made by Samajwadi Party's Poll Manifesto:

1) Put a ban on English Medium Education
2) Remove English language as a medium from all offices and education institutions

Actually that would be kind of cool, I mean think about it, just for the heck of it.
Asal main ye kaafi thanda hoga, soch ke dekhiye, bas aise hi…
Nah… not really working…. Out.

3) Remove all computers from offices and institutes.
…..and then?? Are you proposing human beings deliver e-mail or are you going to employ people to physically put things in the bin. Hell forget this, what about all the porn, are you going to employ people for that too……,
nah…….out.

4) Ban the use of machinery in agriculture. Tractors will be replaced by bullock carts.
Hmmm atleast this will give Maneka Gandhi something to bitch about

5) NO to share trading and stock market operations.
Hmmmm so no more surviving in the market, guess its time to sell magic beans,flying carpets and essences to foreigners again .


6) Take actions against high corporate salaries.

Better yet, take way their cars and give them those bullock carts, I can imagine it right now, complete Mumbai-pune highway flooded with bullock carts and gassy bullocks,sweeeet……..

7) Mall culture will be stopped.
Aaah I guess its ok, they don’t have bullock cart parking anyways.

8) The salaries provided by private companies should be at par with the minimum wages for labourers.
Thwack, homerun!!

9) Improve relations with Pakistan and Bangladesh.
Lets get down on our knees and suck their balls already, why the fucking wait!!!

10) Action against communal powers and attack terrorism at its roots.
I have always wondered how wonderfuland simple a sentence becomes when you use the word ‘root’.

11) Unemployment Allowance Scheme for unemployed youth.
I am guessing this will be from tax payers money, but if we are suppose to get minimum wage and ride bullock carts how much tax would we be able to really pay.
I guess we can always pay in bullocks.

12) Welfare schemes for lawyers and the business community.
Aww.. you care? But why??


I know nowadays it's really hard not to look stupid , but come on. By the way check out sanju baba’s face in the pic, doesn’t he look clueless. And with this I have finished my coffee.

Vote samajwadi party, just for the heck of it…