41 SYMPTOMS TO LOOKOUT FOR

Have you ever wondered if you are a dipshit, or ever thought why people get skin rashes when you are around? well think no more as I shall provide you with a definitive guide of the symptoms which will put your questions to rest.

You know you are a dipshit when you-

1. try your level best not to make noise when you eat your chips(its not possible without looking stupid).
2. are out with your friends at a restaurant and you promptly divide the bill right down to paise.
3. start writing something with—“dear diary, today I saw him again……..”
4. pronounce the name of an italian dish from the menu with an accent at a restaurant.
5. tip 5%
6. watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
7. don’t watch simpsons,south park or family guy.
8. when your life has something to do with the colour pink.
9. press the elevator button though you see someone has already pressed it and is waiting right besides you.
10. whistle while you take a leak or make annoying relieving noises.
11. constantly look at the taxi meter during the whole ride.
12. say ‘why don’t you do something about it’ when you hear someone bitching about politics.
13. when your idea of love is some sappy romantic movie.
14. use the word ‘dude’ too many times in a sentence.
15. write sappy poems just so that a few girls can read it and go moist.
16. write something philosophical in the ‘about me’ section in your online profile.
17. suddenly repeat the same jokes which you said 5 minutes ago when a girl is around.
18. have an online name as ‘backstreetboyz156” or “spicegirl69”or/and if you listen to backstreet boys or spice girls.
19. say that you have never watched porn.
20. walk in the middle of the street.
21. surrendered your soul to your girlfriend and only got constant bitching in return.
22. say that you have never once looked at a woman’s rack while talking to her.
23. are a guy and wear perfume and also know its brand name and fragrance.
24. light scented sticks and attend spirit cleansing courses.
25. have used the line ‘ I want to give something back to the society’(please,eat shit and die).
26. constantly bitch about other people without realizing that nobody gives a shit.
27. have a fish for a pet and you name it ‘queeny’.
28. check yourself at every reflective surface while walking by the shops.
29. forward stupid chain mails which say “ do this or get your dick chopped off”.
30. greet each other with “ hi babes…” followed by the paralytic tilt of your head to the side.
31. talk to yourself and pretend that you are Clint Eastwood from ‘good bad and ugly’ when you are alone , even worse if you do it infront of a mirror.
32. use cheat codes to finish a difficult game.
33. are the last one to stand for the national anthem before a movie.
34. talk to the computer when it hangs.
35. sign into orkut and the first thing you see is the number of profile views yesterday.
36. when you play the imaginary air guitar to every ‘slipknot’ song.
37. are the kind of person who looks at his handkerchief after he sneezes.(gross!!)
38. went to a movie and claimed to have come out a little wiser.(stop learning about life from movies, oh and eat shit and die)
39. go out of your way and act modest about everything.(fuck you, everyone can see through your fake bullshit, just stop it)
40. constantly bitch about smoking and say ‘smoking causes cancer’.(holyshit, smoking causes cancer!!? we didn’t know that. please, don’t be a nagging “social reformer”)
41. are getting pissed off because you just realized you have more than 1 symptom from this list.

I was going to mention a few more but I think these many will be enough to get you all thinking. If you have a symptom from above well all I can say about you is

“If you could spare a penny for a thought you would probably get back change”

and if you don’t have any of the above symptoms(ya right) then do let me know, you just might be tagged awesome in my book.

Oh , ya and by the way for people suffering from more than 1 of these symptoms I think its safe to say that there is no hope, spare us the effort and choke yourself and die, nobody will notice your absence.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT

The nuclear deal, yes ,that. This is the only thing of utmost importance affecting our country today (other than inflation) . I know , I know , the very first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word nuclear is may be uranium or a nuclear bomb(which is cool as explosions rule) but this is much more than that . Surely if you have been watching the tv or have been reading the papers you might have seen how much of a political mileage this is creating .There are always those people who support it and those who don’t , unfortunately both of them are politicians.

So what’s the nuclear deal and what do I think of it? I know that I don’t know all the clauses in this deal(123 clauses) but there are a few things that are surely debatable as per the people who oppose it. But since I don’t believe in diplomacy I will take a stance about it and it is this- I support the nuclear deal for now.

The opposition has been bitching and moaning on various stuff about this nuclear deal, the favorite ones being that the deal is not in the interest of the nation or that it doesn’t favour the muslim community(I don’t know what’s the connection). Though they were bitching and moaning they did have one valid point about the non –availability of a triparty agreement. It simply means that if America becomes a spoilt sport and cancels the deal the guys from IAEA(international atomic energy agency, they supervise civil power consumption of reactors) will still be hovering our asses and checking out our nuclear consumption in civil sector though the fuel will be ours then. So one might think that America is able to finally get a sneak peek into our nuclear handling this way because they failed to make us sign their nuclear non-proliferation treaty last time. The opposers were saying that if America breaks the deal then the deal with IAEA should also be broken, that’s the whole triparty agreement agenda. This point is quite valid.

Inspite of these reasons I would still like to support the deal because that’s the need of the hour as of now. I really don’t care about nuclear tests as of now because our main concern should be to increase the use of this form of energy which meets only 3% of our current demands . Almost all of the power reactors run at half the efficiency and it can certainly increase contribution by building up more reactors and at full efficiency. Just look at france , it practically runs on nuclear energy, more than 50 power reactors are there in france. The point is this , we really don’t have much uranium, so if someone has uranium and has a few clauses attached with it, what’s the harm? Because we can later be self sufficient. Allow me to explain.

What we have in large amounts in south besides dosas and idlis and people who are darker than their shadows are huge thorium deposits in the sands, one can practically get a radiation reading with just sampling the sand. So once we have enough plutonium with the help of uranium fission we can use it with thorium to get uranium 233(radioactive) which can be used in fast breeder reactors to convert it to energy. So according to me what we are looking at are more fast breeder reactors in a decade or so. This is really a good deal if you look at the big picture and when India is sufficient enough it no longer has to stick to the deal or when the expiry date of the deal kicks in.

Saying all of this doesn’t mean I support congress or some other political party because I think most of them are full of shit on this thing and plus the only leader I will ever agree to be led by is , me, just trust me on this, I would rule way too much if I were a leader but that’s a discussion for some other day. The reason I think most of them are full of shit can be seen if you can just switch on the tv, they are practically switching sides in favor of money and political mileage . Also the opposition which started off saying that they oppose the deal now have shifted their focus on how to topple the government on this issue. One can actually see blatant buying and selling of support going on as if we are all playing a big board game of monopoly on this nuclear deal. Since this concerns nuclear material and atoms and other such stuff I have found a almost perfect geeky explanation for the resemblance of the politician’s behaviour to the electrons in the atom(though electrons are not of nuclear concern). You know how the outermost shell electrons are loosely bound compared to the innermost and how easy it is to break them away from atoms with a force , the same thing is with political parties, the atom being the political party, electrons in various shells- the politicians(each one with his own price tag) and the force-money and political mileage. strange is the similarity on the microscopic and macroscopic, isn’t it? Ok before this gets any more geekier or philosophical I will come to my next point.

People. Yes , what the hell is wrong with them? most of them don’t even have a clue about this deal . last night I saw one reporter ask a girl a simple question that which are the two countries in light with this nuclear deal and the dumb bitch just couldn’t answer!!
There were few more people who were asked that did they have any idea about the nuclear deal and all of them just laughed it off and said , ya its about bombs and stuff. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why do they beg so hard to get their asses kicked by me? These are the same people who will stand tall for reservations and quotas for furthering their career but refuse to give a rats ass on such bigger issues. And most of them have this one new age bullet proof defense, hey why don’t you join politics and do something about it. Listen assholes, no I won’t join politics but I sure as hell will make my point instead of frittering away my life in ignorance. Oh wait , I think that’s called democracy and freedom of speech but I guess you wouldn’t know.

I know why well-mannered educated youth doesn’t care. That is because no matter what happens, when they go out of the house tomorrow to the coffee joint and sip their coffee it would still taste the same, Fridays will still be the movie day, trains will still be crowded, buying latest fashion would still keep them occupied, how their hair looks would still be an issue and they just couldn’t care less about anything else. I am not trying to sound 60 but seriously just because you can sing the national anthem doesn’t mean you care about what’s happening in the country( atleast the ones which really matter), it just means that you know a song. Really man, people are the worst.

GET YOUR MOVIE REVIEW RIGHT HERE

You know how sometimes directors make their movies all spooky, then go ahead and make it even spookier, then again go ahead and try to make it even weirder but finally end up looking stupid. Well,this was certainly one of those movies. This was by far the undisputed mother of all dumbass movies, no other movie came even close to this one, not even the movie ‘Mars Attacks’.

You know how when you are sick or have high fever and your dumbass keeps saying incoherent shit when you are sleeping , I think this is exactly how night shyamalan came up with the concept for his latest train wreck. The trees are spraying neurotoxins in the air which makes us want to kill ourselves. There it is , that’s the plot. If I did ruin your chances of having the ‘almost zero’ thrill in the movie, well, you might as well read ahead.

The movie starts off with people turning into dumbasses at random and killing themselves( this is where I thought that I had made a wise decision to see the movie). Mark wahlberg , his wife in the movie( who only kept looking at her cellphone the whole time) and john leguizamo star in this movie.I use the word star loosely here. Oh ya,By the way john leguizamo is in the movie, who?? Exactly. But he dies half an hour into the movie(which was cool) like a dumbass, which barely required his acting skills. Anyways I thought till now this was a good plot, I mean , people dying randomly, john leguizamo gets killed, what more could I hope for. But then wahlberg,his wife and a kid start their run from death in a vague attempt to thicken the plot. On their way they meet a man who sports a ‘country bumpkin meets hippy’ look and he really likes hot dogs. He also knows quite a lot about plants for a man who sports that kind of funk. So now wind blows, trees flutter, some people die, mark wahlberg blames the trees and then they pick up their skirts and run. 2 kids get shot and then they meet this old hag in this barn, but then she dies, which was ok with me(believe me she deserved to die, she had issues). Then mark wahlberg gets separated from the wife and the kid in two different rooms which is connected by a tunnel which enables them to talk to each other. Then they talk about their first date and other mushy stuff, then something happens , everything is back to normal, the wife is pregnant but again the killing starts and the movie ends.

You know those couple of seconds after you get up in the morning when your mind is blank and numb and you can’t think straight and you end up scratching your butt , this is exactly how I felt after the movie. He even had the nerve to finish the movie with an ecological speech about how man is destroying everything and how this is a warning sign by the trees, oooh holyshit!, I am so fucking scared now, I bet I should go and water my money plant back home or it might get angry and spray me with that dumbass toxin. Stupid. Is it too much to ask for a movie to make sense sometimes. I think not.

An honest but pathetic attempt has also been made to cramp in some comedy(don’t know why). I think there were 2 instances but I don’t remember them as I was mentally numb by that point.

The only good pay offs in the movie was when that truck hits the tree and when that dude lies down infront of the grass shredder. That’s it. Only 30 seconds of fun and 90 minutes of coma inducing plot.

This made me wonder about the reason for Shyamalan’s endless line of movie screw ups from his shit factory. I mean, really what the hell is wrong with him,is he troubled? What’s with this infatuation of his about killing people, dead people, spookiness , aliens…., really , cut that shit out, its annoying. Either that or he is constantly surrounded by the dick-suckers who praise him blindly . I can just imagine how the conversation must have went before the making of this movie

Dick-sucker1: last night my wife repulsed me in bed again, so I went downstairs and watched the discovery channel , did you see that documentary about global warming and its effects on trees?

Dick-sucker2: No but I saw the one in which they talked about the effects of different neurotoxins on human body. buuurp…. I hate my life.

Night shyamalan: Wait a second ,what did you say, neurotoxins , trees, global warming…….hmm , heeeeeyyyy why don’t we make a movie about……………………

Dick-sucker1 and 2: oh! Brilliant sir! May we service your jewels now sir!!!?

Night shyamalan: [censored]

What night shyamalan really needs is a dropkick to his face or in other words my expertise, to get him back in touch with reality. I guess watching myself take a leak has far more thrills and a better plot than the movie ‘the happening’. Heed this warning, don’t see ‘the happening’ . I am bored writing this , I think I will go take a leak now.

GET OFF THE 'ACCEPTANCE' BANDWAGON,ITS TOO CROWDED

The other day I was reading the paper when I was being constantly disturbed by loud music cos the tv was on. Tried searching for the remote, but that didn’t work out so I decided to continue reading and tried not to get bothered. But then I kept on hearing sounds of people yelling and drums , so I finally put down the paper. I don’t know which channel it was,may be travel and living or discovery but what they were showing was a gay pride parade or some ambiguous sex pride parade, either way it was too annoying and loud. There were half naked (which half don’t ask) men wearing black leather tights with minimal clothing who were celebrating something and profusely groping each other. Some even wore wigs and shaved their legs and were doing the whole Vegas showgirls dance number and all of them had a big fat smile on their faces. I immediately asked myself why the hell are they doing that?? What’s the point?? They all kept saying that ‘I am proud to be gay’. Ok,so you are proud to be gay,but what’s with all that nudity and groping, what kind of message are you sending. Is it that all gay men like to do is get it on with each other?.stupid. They also kept saying the words acceptance and tolerance. I don’t know what they mean by acceptance and tolerance exactly, its not like I go and burn their house down or poke fun at them at a general purpose store by showing them the direction to the tampons section. You know what I hate-people who claimed to have come out of the closet by saying that they are gay/lesbian. Newsflash- nobody cares. If its acceptance you want then you shouldn’t have to go ahead and declare stuff like that and say you are coming out of the closet. Just shut the fuck up. If you are gay,fine,be so, whats there to celebrate and to be proud about. You don’t see me organizing a ‘I am proud to be a man’ parade. Its absurd and believe me its not creating awareness(overrated) at least not in the right direction.I know what you guys might be thinking “man this guy is such an asshole and such a homophobe”.

You know what guys,I know it’s the 21^st century and all, and all of you are really broad minded and open to anything and probably cream in your pants everytime you use a politically correct jargon but let me just stop you right there. I am not a homophobe , I am more like homo?idontcare ,I don’t mind the company of a gay dude but if the gay person is hitting on me knowing that I am straight and you still call me insecure and narrow minded then you are an asshole and so is this gay dude. There are many things in life I don’t want to experience and a gentle caress of another guy’s hand on my thighs is certainly one of them. Is that too much to ask? And if you still don’t get the message then you are just looking for trouble .

Being gay is fine but if you go out of your way and try to prove your point then it just becomes lame.

Personally I am not a big fan of the whole ‘acceptance’ movement which initially gays started, mostly because I didn’t think it was that necessary.

Nobody cares.

But what has really been bothering me is that now every damn person who has a certain sexual preference is trying to jump on the “acceptance” bandwagon. I mean everyone is coming out and saying they are bisexuals/bicurious (i.e prefer both men and women), trisexuals (men, women, animal/furniture/gays/ice cream truck/….) ……I don’t know what’s next, may be quadrasexuals and pentasexuals. The thing is that most of the people who claim they are so, most of the times are so because they were experimenting. They say – I am heterosexual but I also like to experiment . oh ya! Is it? Why don’t you try experimenting with “JUST SHUT THE HELL UP”. Nobody cares what experimentation you did and please don’t come crying about worthless acceptance issues later, especially wannabe trisexuals. You know its not about tolerance and acceptance but most of it is just about the fact that you are so damn horny all the time that you can’t even think straight, you probably would hump anything that moves(probably even got a boner while watching the movie ‘planet of the apes’ ). Nobody gives a damn about your experimentation. Really guys, if some of you are trying to experiment then for 1 sec just try to stop thinking with your dick and use your brains. Just because you like to hump everything doesn’t mean that what you have to say is important. You are not coming out of the closet, you are just being an idiot. Nobody cares. Just stop it.

I even went on online discussion boards to check out people’s views on this issue , and expectedly there were clearly two groups – one supporting and other against gay laws. On careful reading I came to a conclusion that they were both full of shit.

The supporters kept on saying that they were so happy for gays and we should be proud of who we are (which trickled into a standard righteous bullshit speech about ‘revolution in society’) or they kept saying to leave them alone which for the sake of argument on a discussion board became really boring when they said it for each and every thing their opposers posed.

And as for the people who opposed it sounded like they had just taken a shit-bath. One of the prominent arguments,rather the only major argument they had was that the bible doesn’t allow you to be gay and if you are you are sinned. You know what guys , the day I decide to live my life according to a book whose author doesn’t even know me(or the kinda person I am) is the day I will push myself off a cliff into a yard sale of rusted bear traps. Atleast I will die with honour. And there were some smartass dipshits who kept on posting the same dipshit phrase—god created adam and eve and not adam and steve.

Have to admit it was funny for like 2 seconds but nevertheless it was not even slightly argumentative, which naturally lost my attention.

My point is simply this, the acceptance bandwagon is too crowded anyways, get the fuck off it!! Just because you found some new kind of soft toy to shub up your ass with your pals to indulge in self abuse doesn’t mean you are unique or that what you say is of any importance. I mean really guys, who shall cry for acceptance next, necrophilliacs?? Pedophiles ??? I am too bitter to type anymore.

Branica Counters

SPIT-ACULAR !! AIN'T IT?

The spitting cobra can spit up to 2 meters(on a good day) whereas the average mumbaikar is capable of even more. They have taken a trivial act of spitting and have turned it into an artform. Surely you remember the last time you wanted to take a shortcut but you thought that this might be a unsafe route to take as you saw no signs of the route being used by people, and just then you saw spitmarks all over the place which gave you the warm and secure feeling that our beloved fellow spitfires have been here and you followed their footsteps without the slightest hint of fear(hansel and gretel should have thought about this instead of bread crumbs). You can always see sgt. spitfire on a busy street or on trains with the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look on their faces. Is that awesome or what?

This is what i saw the other day,well almost..






I think its safe to say that nobody wants to grow up in a world where we can’t even spit when we like, I mean really, that would be one hell hole. What is all this crap about cleanliness and turning Mumbai into shanghai ,what the hell, I bet people in shanghai don’t have the luxury of spontaneous carefree spitting. I pity them. When I taste something and I don’t like it or when I have been ruminating something in my mouth for past 2 hours I want to be able to spit it wherever and whenever I want, be it on a road,station,office or on somebody’s unsuspecting feet. Spitting is the most manliest thing one can ever pull off, its right up there with smashing concrete with your head. Spitting rules.

You remember when the helmet law was passed where each driver needed to wear one compulsorily (this law is also a blow to the manliness of people who excel at smashing concrete with head), I could see the discomfort of one of our spitfiring dudes right away. I was at a crossing when his bike came to a stop just near me. I could see him chewing something and I instantly knew that he must be quite an awesome guy to hang out with. Then when he was done being awesome while chewing, he, by force of manly habit, modestly looked to his left and spat a major one, splat!!! but unfortunately with the helmet glass still closed. His face totally got ruined, but I could see bunch of ignorant people laughing at his misfortune and were not able to see that the man on the bike was much more manlier than they could ever dream of becoming . My heart almost cried for him, almost. True story.

Since by now you must have guessed how much I admire our spitfiring divas, I will go ahead and decribe the styles they incorporate for being so awesome all the time.

The short outburst- This maneuver is really a basic one. It consists of a quick dispatch of spit but with sheer force and speed. Good lung capacity is a prime requirement. This is one of the things that should come to you as naturally as breathing if you want to be awesome.

The stream- This one shows the person’s control and precision. Its generally a long coherent stream from the mouth to the target spot. Only professionals can give justice to such a maneuver . If you can do this , chances are , you just might be our railway minister.

In between teeth maneuver- This is probably like the black belt of karate. If you can do this , well, I don’t need to tell you how awesome you are. This is a very delicate maneuver which involves directing the stream through the gap between your front teeth and produce that signature squirting sound which is a clear indication of the force and velocity of the dispatch. It takes time to get that right sound, but its definitely worth it.
The masters of this techniques are the guys who sport the monkey wash pants(red monkey wash on a green pant, is that enviable or what!!?) or sometimes even the guys who wear the WWF t-shirts.

Spitting as an involuntary indulgence has come a long way and now if we decide to stop it , well what can I say, we need to take a step back and really take a good hard look at ourselves and reassess our lives. I was going to tell you some more about the manliness quotient of spitting but I think I am going to now stop flirting with the obvious and tell you that spitting rules, just take my word for it. So next time you see someone spitting don’t be grumpy just let them know how awesome they are and how they complete you as a person. You know what, I am going to stop blabbering now and chew the whole pack of wrigleys sitting infront of me and spit it out of the window.

OH NO!! NOT THIS AGAIN

Recently I had a chat with one of my friends when she mentioned that, she is a feminist. Obviously my skin crawled but chatting further I realized she was really not the traditional feminist but a better and refined version. So I didn’t retaliate much. But this chat actually reminded me of the previous chats with other people with whom I had the misfortune of talking to . Everything about them screamed out feminist. They were always getting mad at how you address a girl or they were always using politically correct sentences and forcefeeding righteous bullshit down my throat for no apparent reason ,as if they were holy descendents of god himself/herself(benefit of doubt for feminists reading this).

The only word I heard the most was the word ‘equality’ and they crushed this into each of the little doses of bullshit that they where forcefeeding down my throat. I have never been able to understand what are they so pissed about. Is it men?Is it the government? I just don’t get it.I have never really understood why they think that a sole purpose of a man is to find ingenious ways to control a woman,I mean really,who gives a shit? But nonetheless it is satisfying to hear their idiotic replies when you call on their bullshit.

The other day too I saw how some women judge a man so quickly. A man was late for work and was running after the train and he jus couldn’t let that train go as he would be late ,so he ran and got up on the nearest bogie,which happened to be a ladies compartment. I could immediately hear shrieking and screaming, but no one actually saw the reason as to why he did what he did. But when women step onto the general bogie they expect not even a little brush against their body even if its crowded else she screams out for the bitch she is by saying stuff that will make her sound like a damsel in distress. My theory is that all these women are feminists,neways coming back to my point…

I am not going to put my point forward by saying the same old bullshit like “women are in every field nowadays,be it medicine,space,politics,blah ,blah,….and women are realizing their potential(and then a applause from the audience)”
I am so irritated by the douchebags (be it a guy or a girl) who keep saying this immense proportion of patronizing shit round the clock. I mean , ok fine, I get it , you are doing various jobs now , so what ,who cares? Just do your job and shut the fuck up just like the rest of us, really. I really feel like slitting my throat when I hear a woman say this emancipation crap to me,what the hell am I suppose to do, hand my ass to you on a platter so that each one of you can take turns stomping it. Just shut the hell up.

Talking about that equality stuff, I feel they use it to their discretion very comfortably. For once I would like to see honesty from them. Just once I would like to see all the feminist groups go and protest the girl’s reservation quota in various fields, may be then I will put down my video game and actually lend my ear and listen to them . But they will ricochet that with the standard saying that women were oppressed and denied education in the past, so this is to encourage woman. Really?? this is just like sayin ,hey ! lets kill all the germans cos they really fucked everyone 70 years ago . What has the past got to do with anything?? Giving them reservation just literally gives them the image of being helpless or oppressed which shouldn’t be the case. Education is subject to brains and not female oppression. If reservation has to be given, give it on a financial basis, allow the person to get the same amenities and then let them enter the competition just like others.

There is another issue of woman at work, that she is not given very high ranking jobs and not allowed to prosper, really?

Then who are those people who keep messing with their hair at every board of directors meeting or trustee meetings. But you may say that I am just citing examples now, k fair enough. But let me say this ,suppose for a position mr X has been given a job after denying the same position to mr Y ,would you care?? Probably not .But if it’s miss Y ,then all of a sudden the gender scenario sprouts up , I ask why??? Why was it any different for mr Y , may be both mr Y and miss Y were not capable enough , just learn to live with that. But I guess at the end of the day you will find only miss Y holding up banners in the streets protesting this “oppression”. Just understand that may be you do suck sometimes just like the rest of us.

If at all anyone is denying you of your rightful place then its just that the person is a complete douche(could be a man or a woman) .And sometimes even women back off from high responsibility jobs so that she can give time for home and kids, is this unfair?? I say no, its her decision , and personally I totally respect what she is doing, cos woman are naturally more caring unlike men who might not be so nurturing, and managing a home is quite a task . we all have our parts in daily life, noone is constricting you from achieving your goals, its just a matter of woman’s choice and priority, may be that’s why men don’t generally back down from high pressure jobs cos he knows he and his partner can look out for each other, come what may. What is so unsettling about that, really? why do feminists frown upon that? If she wants to further her present career, fine, well and good , it’s really her call .

Even in the case of bar girls, it was their choice, no one dreams to be a bar girl as a child,right? Ok fine, so you took down the bars which had bar girls(well done) and then what, did you have the decency to atleast offer them jobs so that they don’t go empty stomach the next day, I guess not, I guess all feminists are too busy pushing their agenda ahead rather than caring about the future quality of life.
If precious equality is what you want then may be we should make capital punishment for women too(or is it already?), but surely I always find women frowning upon this, why frown ?? too harsh? Don’t like it? Then just shut the hell up. Bottomline – you can do whatever you want and I just wouldn’t care less.

One can always sense when a feminist is around. She is mostly the most outspoken one with all her jargons and politically correct sentences like calling blacks as African Americans , which basically means “hey look I notice you are black but I will be the patronizing bitch that I am and call you African American though it means that I observed that you skin tone is black and I think it’s a gross thing to call you so” . When you call someone skin tone fair, you blush, and black skin tone is suddenly derogatory?? Plz ,no more such bullshit.( I am talking to all the fairness cream companies too here).

And what is with their fuss with people looking at them. They get dolled up,wear push up bras ( don’t judge,everyone can detect a little anti gravity effect every now and then) and then expect that a guy shouldn’t take notice of such in your face thing. I mean If tomorrow , I stuff my crotch heavily and walk around in public surely I will get a few looks and giggles from women ,but would I mind,or take it as a compliment and not care about it much. I would take it as a compliment and then not care about it much. If you really decide to show your neckline and not have a few guys looking at you then I guess you should just shut the fuck up. And if guys want to touch you ,well handle it your way ,don’t pick up your skirt and come running to us. Just give the guy a sweet sucker punch to the face,I will even stand up and clap if I am near you when you are doing it, hell!, I would even take you out for dinner(believe me it will be a privilege for you).
Just don’t give me the double standards on your beliefs ,is that too much to ask? If you can take care of yourself ,please, by all means ,do so.

I feel there are many women who just do their job and really contribute to the system and what they don't need is the epidemic of feminism. They have their own perfectly working brains they can apply to tackle their own problems, no one needs to point out what their problems are or what they should do.plz every patronising douche out there,just shut the hell up.

On a different note i also have a theory which clearly suggests feminism is the cause of global warming , extinction of the Dodo bird and the steep decline of quality music in this era...but that's a discussion for some other day. Meanwhile all you damn feminists should put down your banners,go home,take a bath and be a little productive for the society,stop being such a leech.

Branica Counters

THE PERFECT GIRL (extra parts not included)

I consider myself a reasonable man and I don’t demand too much. But as a person I do have some wishes and expectations . so here is a list of things that my girlfriend should do or comply with if she happens to live with me.


* Respect me wholeheartedly.

* Always keep the toilet seat lifted up every morning when I get up to take a leak,then when I am done I will call for her and she can flush.

* Write a 300 word essay appreciating me everyday. If I don’t like it I will snatch the paper, crumble it, set it on fire and then give her a black eye and if I actually happen to like it I might not crumble the paper(though don’t count on it too much)

* Do my laundry and iron my clothes so that I don’t see even a single wrinkle else the black eye is always in store.

* NEVER TOUCH MY CD COLLECTION or do things like arranging it alphabetically . If she even so breathes on them, well lets just say I can take domestic abuse to a whole new level.

* Never look directly at me or make eye contact while receiving instructions. She should stand with her head bowed,arms infront ,palms together,legs together and should ask anything she isn’t clear about in a submissive voice . If I sense the slightest change in the tone of voice,well, I think you get the hint.

* Always be ready with two kinds of dip when I am having my chips. Dipping it for me and feeding me is recommended if you want to earn some brownie points. No wait , I change my mind. It’s compulsory.

* Make sure everyday that the tv remote batteries aren’t weak or dead else the batteries won’t be the only thing that will be dead in my house.

* When my friends visit me she should sit quietly like a lamp in one corner and should be in a state of extreme readiness whenever I summon for her by the clap of my hands(twice). After I am finished instructing her she should quietly step away as if she was never there.

* Cook for me and before serving me she should taste everything to confirm that it tastes awesome. I will then taste it myself and she will patiently wait for my approval. A single twitch on my face due to the taste will result her eating the whole thing together at the same time. But if its good and I continue to eat I will probably let her off the hook,probably.

* Perform a sensuous belly dance/pole dance(brownie points for creativity here) every evening at 7 pm and induce a smile on my face, failure to do so will prompt me to put her in such a state that she might start to envy cripples(this will make me smile too, so up to you to choose.)

* Give me a foot massage. But be extremely careful not to do cute little things like tickle me and giggle with the hope of earning some brownie points. I think we all value our lives.

* Always look presentable. Use make up if you like,but don’t let me find you applying it,it pisses me off. If I am even slightly disgusted by your appearance then lets just say your face will not only be hurting my expectations but also my fist.

* Never disturb me when I am playing video games and especially if I am playing ‘call of duty’. Failure to do so can be punishable by death or quick but firm jabs to your guts, whichever happens first.


Now if she manages to do all this with a smile on her face and with a feeling that she is being blessed I might start to think about a future for us, ummm… may be… I dunno ….something like –dinner the next night, remember ‘might’ is the key word here.


Man, it’s raining so much outside, hmmm.

Neways I think the points are pretty clear and they are not up for discussion. I think noone can resist this much luxury while living with me, atleast I can’t.

Branica Counters