Please, no more

You guys just had to push it ,didn’t you. I tried ignoring you, tried running from you,hell, even tried punching you, but nooo, you guys just had to come and tell me how many orgasms you had last night watching the ‘finely made’ slumdog millionare. I am sick of this movie. First there was the movie,then the reviews,then annoying posters everywhere, then Anil kapoor in the lime light everywhere and now this- the Oscars.

You know what guys, the movie sucked.
Not because some foreigner showed us what we are(though he didn’t) nor that they sold away India’s poverty like many of you sheeps are bitching about, I don’t care. As a movie viewer it just didn’t make it for me. And whenever I say I didn’t like the movie many of you zombies come and ask me “you didn’t like the movie!!!??” Yes you assholes, I didn’t like it, why?? , because the movie had nothing but incoherent shit and exaggerations . The movie showed a fantasy world in a so called “real world”. Wow!! A kid jumping into a pool of shit, that’s so raw and real slum India, isn’t it you assholes??

You know what I think, I think all you assholes out there like watching people do disgusting stuff, living on scraps and somewhere in your malformed brain its hardwired to tell you that all these things are real or ‘tragically beautiful’ and this is what poor kids are into nowadays.idiots.

And what has irritated me more than the movie itself are the people who have either been milkin off this movie or people who have been criticizing it cos they think its slum porn. That’s right all you slum dwellers, all the rich folks in mansions and with trophy wives have got your back!!!
You don’t need to worry, they absolutely know what’s best for you, they feel for you,they really do and they will be damned if anyone with a camera tries to showcase you without their ethical consent.

If this movie was a cow then it would be dead by now, cos Anil kapoor has literally milked it dry. He hasn’t left a single opportunity to show his annoying face at every promotional interviews. What a pointless role he had, anyone could do it, even Celina jaitley could do it just as good/bad(use discretion). The only movie of his I have ever liked is “mr India” but mostly because he was invisible in it.

The other thing which has come to my attention is that the UPA has taken credit for the success of this movie(including the Oscars). Great going you assholes, the government has actually subtly celebrated the fact that it is because of them that these slums are there and hence the credit should go to them as well. Another feather in the cap,eh?

I think our problem lies in the fact that we try to celebrate any damn thing thrown our way, even when Obama won, every little shit bag out there just couldn’t stop foaming at their mouths thinking that their messiah had finally come to set them free. Little did they know that Obama’s policies won’t be that good for India considering he has already taken a stance against job outsourcing and has even planned to stop giving visa for 10 yrs period( called H1 visa I think). Celebrate now u dolts. Still foaming?? Screw it, probably would bitch about this later as and when I have a bad day(or not) but until then, fuck off.

Branica Counters

BREATHE IN , BREATHE OUT.............THAT WILL BE RS5000 PLEASE

I wasn’t going to write about this but recently I was subjected to some spiritual-yoga classes compulsorily which pissed me off big time and hence this post. Don’t worry I don’t have any grudges about yoga or your ancient breathing techniques, really, if you think it works for you then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t spend a fortune learning basic breathing techniques or learning how to be a better human being from a long haired, bearded man. My problem is with the way they portray it among the masses and the way the masses portray them.

All of this just looks like a big marketing ploy to me. Even the famous ‘art of living’ foundation is more like an ‘art of marketing’ foundation. I mean all they do is repackage the same breathing exercises given by just about any other person and make it look attractive by having a suitable leader to profess it. Invariably most of such leaders you see have long hair,beard,wear white or saffron and always have that peace and tranquility look on their faces which is basically to show that they are above it all and that they know some revolutionary truth about life that you don’t. I just don’t understand why do they have to add a “sri” before their name and then to top it off they add one more and make it “sri sri”. I mean really, are these leaders having some ego battle with other leaders to show their greatness. Who gives them these titles anyways?? Stupid.

Then come the claims of his greatness because of his acts and lectures throughout the world advertised either in his congregation or on his website. Here is a sample headlines from the ‘art of living’ foundation website.

What pissed me off more is the thing which is written on their front page and highlighted in bold so as to attract the customers.

You know what guys,just because an organization is non profit doesn’t mean that it’s something really benevolent. One simple example- terrorists. They pretty much try to do the same thing,that is to profess their beliefs without making money. You think people who make profit don't do you good or don't have good intentions??So trying to rationalize the intention of an organization on this basis is inherently stupid. The person in context may be doing it for self satisfaction-that’s his profit and it is only that it happens to be accepted or termed as “good for society” which lets him off the hook. Its only a response to demand and supply and nothing more. Talking about demand and supply they do transfer essentials from other countries to poor regions of different countries like Africa but then for how long??

They teach those people there yoga. I am just thinking that when a child cannot get one small cup of rice the whole day then I don’t think yoga or any spiritual healing can fulfill that. They don’t need righteous speeches but something solid to build their economy because things cannot run on charity for too long,but hardly any major steps regarding this has been taken up by these organizations. This doesn’t mean that whatever they are doing is not helping ,it might be, but all I want to say is that if people think that taking up courses on such breathing exercises is making them a better human being or really happy and free or spiritually enhanced as they claim then you are just kidding yourself. Meditation or breathing might improve your concentration but it sure as hell won’t change the person you are . If you are an asshole now ,neither 10 minutes nor 10 months of “square breathing” is going to change that, you would still be an asshole. Just because you gave money to enroll doesn’t mean you are going to go through some transformation or going to learn some supreme way or art of living.

I dunno why they focus on not getting angry, I say anger is required,that’s one of the basic emotions since birth. When a child is happy it smiles and when it is unsatisfied and angry it cries,why do we need to change our basic emotions. Being angry is absolutely necessary , seriously people,one day just lash out at every fucking person you are angry at and I bet you, you will atleast feel ultimate satisfaction which even 10 months of “square breathing” can’t give or at the most may be getting fired. So joining art of living or getting fired ,either way you loose money,so why not the latter.

Ok then ,just let me sum it up for you . All these organizations or “sri sri ravi shankar” or any other such person is nothing more than a salesman to me who comes knocking on my door in the middle of the afternoon trying to advertise his stuff, I either look at it or just close the door if I don’t like the service being offered. Assuming to be offered anything more than that is simply a mistake and an overstatement.

LIKE A TURTLE ON ITS BACK

Yes that’s how helpless we have been rendered due to our government policies about terrorism. The entire afternoon I thought about talking about each and everything about the recent attacks but then decided not to as it has all been said and done. I am still waiting since the time of the train blasts for our policies to change. The only thing I see at fault is our policies which are always pussy footing around this issue by not sending a strong enough message back to the terrorists(in the way they can relate to,like killing the captured ones on live tv and sending them back a copy of the video saying "greetings" or just feeding him to the public for good old fashioned mob justice) instead politicians choose to come on air and patronize us about our spirit in such times.

And yes,this is to all Mumbai people,stop saying “we are the one’s who are responsible for letting this happen”. No you are not,stop acting like martyrs trying to take the blame, do you mean to say you would have checked the waters for boats or that you failed to spot a terrorist when he walked amongst us. We were all vigilant , but there are things which only special squads can handle, not the regular working common man.

I said I wouldn’t talk much , so personally as reform is concerned, I would like the complete separation of politics and police after a certain level giving them a better flexibility to work, and if possible by government atleast the basic minimum requirement for our police so that they are able to act more efficiently,hell, I am even willing to pay slightly higher taxes if its necessary.

:-(

No no this isn’t the kind of post where I tell you about my innermost thoughts or any of that rubbish . Though , I will tell you why I am sad, its simple- they banned “Deshdrohi”.
I mean I just cannot win. Whatever I like to enjoy they just take it away from me.

I am the kinda guy who laughs when someone trips and falls. I am the kinda guy who watches nascar just for the crashes, I am the kinda guy who likes to watch movies like “Harold and kumar go to white castle” and “Austin powers” . What I am trying to say is I am a guy who has good taste, and based on this I have come to the conclusion that Deshdrohi is a really awesome movie for all. I will even go so far as to say that I love KRK(that’s Kamaal Rashid Khan). Who’s he?? Allow me.

He is the strange little guy who has taken over all our bus-stops,buses and billboards. He is the strange little guy who carries a gun just out of spite,he is the strange little guy who is misunderstood by all. He is KRK. One fine day this guy just decided to come down from the north to modestly hand everyone their asses on a platter and in the process unknowingly ended up handing his own too, and that’s where I come in. This is where is thought to myself “no,that’s just too good to be true”. But it was.

But sadly enough I haven’t seen the movie,why? Simple, because I stay in maharashtra . I don’t know what could the government have against such a light hearted comedy flick,really,I don’t get it. I mean all the guy does is shoots everyone and then follows it up with a ‘unity in diversity’ kinda statement. Whats not to like in this??this is gold!!

By the way just a passing thought about, whether the government should have banned the movie because it was “so controversial” or taken action against the very same people who threatened to burn the state as an reaction to a B grade movie maker??

Anyways back to the movie, I think it has 4 heroines ,out of which 2 are gracy singh and kim Sharma. Now I am not aware of what goes on in bollywood but I think its safe to say that the worst way to nose dive to one’s career’s end is to go on to do B grade movies after mainstream cinemas(that’s for you gracy) and as for kim Sharma, I think I prefer seeing her in B grade movies,good for her.

For all you folks who thought that this is just another run of the mill B grade movie which has sex,violence,car chases and skewed fighting scenes,well ,you all are wrong because this movie has all that and more!! And those are awesome dialogue deliveries with great panache,here’s a few..

Only a few people have the ability to produce and act in their own movie and steal high profile Bollywood actresses from the industry and still fewer who have the audacity to fight 2 dozen cops with just one pair of torn jeans and some badass attitude/gun. And that my friends is KRK.

But noooo, I can’t have any of that as I sit here alone in my room staring at the wall while the rest of India will get to enjoy this marvel,I just hope piracy comes to my rescue or the people having LAN , help a brother in need.

THINGS GONE WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

Tv sitcoms- there are just too many of these train wrecks being aired nowadays. Thank god atleast the barf fest of F.R.I.E.N.D.S stopped. I can still recollect those college days when girls and boys(potential girls) used to get together just so that they could discuss about the “friends” episode they saw last night and used to talk about each character. Man ,I used to hate them.

Worse was when girls picked up styles from these sitcoms,all of them walked around like drones of latest “what’s hot and what’s not” culture . All of them were just one beauty magazine away from being complete air headed bitches. You couldn’t have a conversation with them without throwing a fit,trust me.

Music-I can’t even begin to describe how fucked up the scene is. Everyone nowadays goes for that shit peppy music or totally dark music,nobody listens to good stuff like clapton and knopler anymore. All they want to hear is some blonde girl with straightened hair talking about how she is a trapped soul in a beautiful body BooHooo.......YUCK, just makes me sick. These people just make me sick,which brings me to my next point…..

People-yes,there are just too many dumbasses prattling around nowadays,there are just too many of us everywhere trying to manipulate and playing mind games to control our little lives about which nobody gives two shits except for our selfish selves. Competition this and success that,I am tired of this shit. Biologists shouldn’t find ways to increase human life span rather should find ways to decrease it, lets just say to a maximum of 25 years. No more competition,no more worries about success. Because lets face it , we all are big leeches anyways ,moochin off and milking all the resources for what its worth till we have no more, and no, I am not an environmentalist ,really, cos there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a chain saw screeching through wood(or george bush).

The “youth”- why is it that whenever I hear this word all that comes to my mind is body piercings,tattoos,hip jeans,awful ringtones and slick hair. Really people, what’s wrong with youngsters nowadays. I see their loud obnoxious dumbasses at every coffee joint. The other day too one guy ordered a black coffee(cos that’s what teenagers drink everyday) as he claimed that he liked the taste but couldn’t handle the taste because he was a pussy and added atleast 4 sachets of sugar so that he could have a fruit punch. I mean really guys, who are they trying to impress, what’s the point if you really don’t want to do something and still do it anyways to look all sophisticated. And their heads are all gassed up too with that cliché that ‘youth is our future’. Hell no, responsible people are , not any random teenager who spends hours together on the cell phone. Seriously guys, the voting age should be lifted to 22,oh wait……nah forget about it.

Tom cruise-just choke already , I hate you(besides hating your acting).

Neutrela/soya chunks-what the hell are these things anyways,feels like rubber and no taste,yuck. It’s not even food,they just sit there floating around in whatever you put them. makes me sick.

Karma – the next person who talks about karma ,yoga or inner peace gets punched in the face by me. All they do is sit around and listen to mystic music in weird god awful poses to attain “inner satisfaction”. I mean come on,get a real job you assholes.

Politically correct-I have had enough of such words and such people. Do they mean something different than usual when they say those words? I swear,if I hear one more person saying ‘african american’ or ‘speech impaired’ or any shit like that I am going to bust open their chops. Really ,don’t try me.

Beg to differ?? Let me know, oh wait even better , get bent.

Branica Counters

41 SYMPTOMS TO LOOKOUT FOR

Have you ever wondered if you are a dipshit, or ever thought why people get skin rashes when you are around? well think no more as I shall provide you with a definitive guide of the symptoms which will put your questions to rest.

You know you are a dipshit when you-

1. try your level best not to make noise when you eat your chips(its not possible without looking stupid).
2. are out with your friends at a restaurant and you promptly divide the bill right down to paise.
3. start writing something with—“dear diary, today I saw him again……..”
4. pronounce the name of an italian dish from the menu with an accent at a restaurant.
5. tip 5%
6. watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
7. don’t watch simpsons,south park or family guy.
8. when your life has something to do with the colour pink.
9. press the elevator button though you see someone has already pressed it and is waiting right besides you.
10. whistle while you take a leak or make annoying relieving noises.
11. constantly look at the taxi meter during the whole ride.
12. say ‘why don’t you do something about it’ when you hear someone bitching about politics.
13. when your idea of love is some sappy romantic movie.
14. use the word ‘dude’ too many times in a sentence.
15. write sappy poems just so that a few girls can read it and go moist.
16. write something philosophical in the ‘about me’ section in your online profile.
17. suddenly repeat the same jokes which you said 5 minutes ago when a girl is around.
18. have an online name as ‘backstreetboyz156” or “spicegirl69”or/and if you listen to backstreet boys or spice girls.
19. say that you have never watched porn.
20. walk in the middle of the street.
21. surrendered your soul to your girlfriend and only got constant bitching in return.
22. say that you have never once looked at a woman’s rack while talking to her.
23. are a guy and wear perfume and also know its brand name and fragrance.
24. light scented sticks and attend spirit cleansing courses.
25. have used the line ‘ I want to give something back to the society’(please,eat shit and die).
26. constantly bitch about other people without realizing that nobody gives a shit.
27. have a fish for a pet and you name it ‘queeny’.
28. check yourself at every reflective surface while walking by the shops.
29. forward stupid chain mails which say “ do this or get your dick chopped off”.
30. greet each other with “ hi babes…” followed by the paralytic tilt of your head to the side.
31. talk to yourself and pretend that you are Clint Eastwood from ‘good bad and ugly’ when you are alone , even worse if you do it infront of a mirror.
32. use cheat codes to finish a difficult game.
33. are the last one to stand for the national anthem before a movie.
34. talk to the computer when it hangs.
35. sign into orkut and the first thing you see is the number of profile views yesterday.
36. when you play the imaginary air guitar to every ‘slipknot’ song.
37. are the kind of person who looks at his handkerchief after he sneezes.(gross!!)
38. went to a movie and claimed to have come out a little wiser.(stop learning about life from movies, oh and eat shit and die)
39. go out of your way and act modest about everything.(fuck you, everyone can see through your fake bullshit, just stop it)
40. constantly bitch about smoking and say ‘smoking causes cancer’.(holyshit, smoking causes cancer!!? we didn’t know that. please, don’t be a nagging “social reformer”)
41. are getting pissed off because you just realized you have more than 1 symptom from this list.

I was going to mention a few more but I think these many will be enough to get you all thinking. If you have a symptom from above well all I can say about you is

“If you could spare a penny for a thought you would probably get back change”

and if you don’t have any of the above symptoms(ya right) then do let me know, you just might be tagged awesome in my book.

Oh , ya and by the way for people suffering from more than 1 of these symptoms I think its safe to say that there is no hope, spare us the effort and choke yourself and die, nobody will notice your absence.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT

The nuclear deal, yes ,that. This is the only thing of utmost importance affecting our country today (other than inflation) . I know , I know , the very first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word nuclear is may be uranium or a nuclear bomb(which is cool as explosions rule) but this is much more than that . Surely if you have been watching the tv or have been reading the papers you might have seen how much of a political mileage this is creating .There are always those people who support it and those who don’t , unfortunately both of them are politicians.

So what’s the nuclear deal and what do I think of it? I know that I don’t know all the clauses in this deal(123 clauses) but there are a few things that are surely debatable as per the people who oppose it. But since I don’t believe in diplomacy I will take a stance about it and it is this- I support the nuclear deal for now.

The opposition has been bitching and moaning on various stuff about this nuclear deal, the favorite ones being that the deal is not in the interest of the nation or that it doesn’t favour the muslim community(I don’t know what’s the connection). Though they were bitching and moaning they did have one valid point about the non –availability of a triparty agreement. It simply means that if America becomes a spoilt sport and cancels the deal the guys from IAEA(international atomic energy agency, they supervise civil power consumption of reactors) will still be hovering our asses and checking out our nuclear consumption in civil sector though the fuel will be ours then. So one might think that America is able to finally get a sneak peek into our nuclear handling this way because they failed to make us sign their nuclear non-proliferation treaty last time. The opposers were saying that if America breaks the deal then the deal with IAEA should also be broken, that’s the whole triparty agreement agenda. This point is quite valid.

Inspite of these reasons I would still like to support the deal because that’s the need of the hour as of now. I really don’t care about nuclear tests as of now because our main concern should be to increase the use of this form of energy which meets only 3% of our current demands . Almost all of the power reactors run at half the efficiency and it can certainly increase contribution by building up more reactors and at full efficiency. Just look at france , it practically runs on nuclear energy, more than 50 power reactors are there in france. The point is this , we really don’t have much uranium, so if someone has uranium and has a few clauses attached with it, what’s the harm? Because we can later be self sufficient. Allow me to explain.

What we have in large amounts in south besides dosas and idlis and people who are darker than their shadows are huge thorium deposits in the sands, one can practically get a radiation reading with just sampling the sand. So once we have enough plutonium with the help of uranium fission we can use it with thorium to get uranium 233(radioactive) which can be used in fast breeder reactors to convert it to energy. So according to me what we are looking at are more fast breeder reactors in a decade or so. This is really a good deal if you look at the big picture and when India is sufficient enough it no longer has to stick to the deal or when the expiry date of the deal kicks in.

Saying all of this doesn’t mean I support congress or some other political party because I think most of them are full of shit on this thing and plus the only leader I will ever agree to be led by is , me, just trust me on this, I would rule way too much if I were a leader but that’s a discussion for some other day. The reason I think most of them are full of shit can be seen if you can just switch on the tv, they are practically switching sides in favor of money and political mileage . Also the opposition which started off saying that they oppose the deal now have shifted their focus on how to topple the government on this issue. One can actually see blatant buying and selling of support going on as if we are all playing a big board game of monopoly on this nuclear deal. Since this concerns nuclear material and atoms and other such stuff I have found a almost perfect geeky explanation for the resemblance of the politician’s behaviour to the electrons in the atom(though electrons are not of nuclear concern). You know how the outermost shell electrons are loosely bound compared to the innermost and how easy it is to break them away from atoms with a force , the same thing is with political parties, the atom being the political party, electrons in various shells- the politicians(each one with his own price tag) and the force-money and political mileage. strange is the similarity on the microscopic and macroscopic, isn’t it? Ok before this gets any more geekier or philosophical I will come to my next point.

People. Yes , what the hell is wrong with them? most of them don’t even have a clue about this deal . last night I saw one reporter ask a girl a simple question that which are the two countries in light with this nuclear deal and the dumb bitch just couldn’t answer!!
There were few more people who were asked that did they have any idea about the nuclear deal and all of them just laughed it off and said , ya its about bombs and stuff. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why do they beg so hard to get their asses kicked by me? These are the same people who will stand tall for reservations and quotas for furthering their career but refuse to give a rats ass on such bigger issues. And most of them have this one new age bullet proof defense, hey why don’t you join politics and do something about it. Listen assholes, no I won’t join politics but I sure as hell will make my point instead of frittering away my life in ignorance. Oh wait , I think that’s called democracy and freedom of speech but I guess you wouldn’t know.

I know why well-mannered educated youth doesn’t care. That is because no matter what happens, when they go out of the house tomorrow to the coffee joint and sip their coffee it would still taste the same, Fridays will still be the movie day, trains will still be crowded, buying latest fashion would still keep them occupied, how their hair looks would still be an issue and they just couldn’t care less about anything else. I am not trying to sound 60 but seriously just because you can sing the national anthem doesn’t mean you care about what’s happening in the country( atleast the ones which really matter), it just means that you know a song. Really man, people are the worst.