LIKE A TURTLE ON ITS BACK

Yes that’s how helpless we have been rendered due to our government policies about terrorism. The entire afternoon I thought about talking about each and everything about the recent attacks but then decided not to as it has all been said and done. I am still waiting since the time of the train blasts for our policies to change. The only thing I see at fault is our policies which are always pussy footing around this issue by not sending a strong enough message back to the terrorists(in the way they can relate to,like killing the captured ones on live tv and sending them back a copy of the video saying "greetings" or just feeding him to the public for good old fashioned mob justice) instead politicians choose to come on air and patronize us about our spirit in such times.

And yes,this is to all Mumbai people,stop saying “we are the one’s who are responsible for letting this happen”. No you are not,stop acting like martyrs trying to take the blame, do you mean to say you would have checked the waters for boats or that you failed to spot a terrorist when he walked amongst us. We were all vigilant , but there are things which only special squads can handle, not the regular working common man.

I said I wouldn’t talk much , so personally as reform is concerned, I would like the complete separation of politics and police after a certain level giving them a better flexibility to work, and if possible by government atleast the basic minimum requirement for our police so that they are able to act more efficiently,hell, I am even willing to pay slightly higher taxes if its necessary.

:-(

No no this isn’t the kind of post where I tell you about my innermost thoughts or any of that rubbish . Though , I will tell you why I am sad, its simple- they banned “Deshdrohi”.
I mean I just cannot win. Whatever I like to enjoy they just take it away from me.

I am the kinda guy who laughs when someone trips and falls. I am the kinda guy who watches nascar just for the crashes, I am the kinda guy who likes to watch movies like “Harold and kumar go to white castle” and “Austin powers” . What I am trying to say is I am a guy who has good taste, and based on this I have come to the conclusion that Deshdrohi is a really awesome movie for all. I will even go so far as to say that I love KRK(that’s Kamaal Rashid Khan). Who’s he?? Allow me.

He is the strange little guy who has taken over all our bus-stops,buses and billboards. He is the strange little guy who carries a gun just out of spite,he is the strange little guy who is misunderstood by all. He is KRK. One fine day this guy just decided to come down from the north to modestly hand everyone their asses on a platter and in the process unknowingly ended up handing his own too, and that’s where I come in. This is where is thought to myself “no,that’s just too good to be true”. But it was.

But sadly enough I haven’t seen the movie,why? Simple, because I stay in maharashtra . I don’t know what could the government have against such a light hearted comedy flick,really,I don’t get it. I mean all the guy does is shoots everyone and then follows it up with a ‘unity in diversity’ kinda statement. Whats not to like in this??this is gold!!

By the way just a passing thought about, whether the government should have banned the movie because it was “so controversial” or taken action against the very same people who threatened to burn the state as an reaction to a B grade movie maker??

Anyways back to the movie, I think it has 4 heroines ,out of which 2 are gracy singh and kim Sharma. Now I am not aware of what goes on in bollywood but I think its safe to say that the worst way to nose dive to one’s career’s end is to go on to do B grade movies after mainstream cinemas(that’s for you gracy) and as for kim Sharma, I think I prefer seeing her in B grade movies,good for her.

For all you folks who thought that this is just another run of the mill B grade movie which has sex,violence,car chases and skewed fighting scenes,well ,you all are wrong because this movie has all that and more!! And those are awesome dialogue deliveries with great panache,here’s a few..

Only a few people have the ability to produce and act in their own movie and steal high profile Bollywood actresses from the industry and still fewer who have the audacity to fight 2 dozen cops with just one pair of torn jeans and some badass attitude/gun. And that my friends is KRK.

But noooo, I can’t have any of that as I sit here alone in my room staring at the wall while the rest of India will get to enjoy this marvel,I just hope piracy comes to my rescue or the people having LAN , help a brother in need.

THINGS GONE WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

Tv sitcoms- there are just too many of these train wrecks being aired nowadays. Thank god atleast the barf fest of F.R.I.E.N.D.S stopped. I can still recollect those college days when girls and boys(potential girls) used to get together just so that they could discuss about the “friends” episode they saw last night and used to talk about each character. Man ,I used to hate them.

Worse was when girls picked up styles from these sitcoms,all of them walked around like drones of latest “what’s hot and what’s not” culture . All of them were just one beauty magazine away from being complete air headed bitches. You couldn’t have a conversation with them without throwing a fit,trust me.

Music-I can’t even begin to describe how fucked up the scene is. Everyone nowadays goes for that shit peppy music or totally dark music,nobody listens to good stuff like clapton and knopler anymore. All they want to hear is some blonde girl with straightened hair talking about how she is a trapped soul in a beautiful body BooHooo.......YUCK, just makes me sick. These people just make me sick,which brings me to my next point…..

People-yes,there are just too many dumbasses prattling around nowadays,there are just too many of us everywhere trying to manipulate and playing mind games to control our little lives about which nobody gives two shits except for our selfish selves. Competition this and success that,I am tired of this shit. Biologists shouldn’t find ways to increase human life span rather should find ways to decrease it, lets just say to a maximum of 25 years. No more competition,no more worries about success. Because lets face it , we all are big leeches anyways ,moochin off and milking all the resources for what its worth till we have no more, and no, I am not an environmentalist ,really, cos there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a chain saw screeching through wood(or george bush).

The “youth”- why is it that whenever I hear this word all that comes to my mind is body piercings,tattoos,hip jeans,awful ringtones and slick hair. Really people, what’s wrong with youngsters nowadays. I see their loud obnoxious dumbasses at every coffee joint. The other day too one guy ordered a black coffee(cos that’s what teenagers drink everyday) as he claimed that he liked the taste but couldn’t handle the taste because he was a pussy and added atleast 4 sachets of sugar so that he could have a fruit punch. I mean really guys, who are they trying to impress, what’s the point if you really don’t want to do something and still do it anyways to look all sophisticated. And their heads are all gassed up too with that cliché that ‘youth is our future’. Hell no, responsible people are , not any random teenager who spends hours together on the cell phone. Seriously guys, the voting age should be lifted to 22,oh wait……nah forget about it.

Tom cruise-just choke already , I hate you(besides hating your acting).

Neutrela/soya chunks-what the hell are these things anyways,feels like rubber and no taste,yuck. It’s not even food,they just sit there floating around in whatever you put them. makes me sick.

Karma – the next person who talks about karma ,yoga or inner peace gets punched in the face by me. All they do is sit around and listen to mystic music in weird god awful poses to attain “inner satisfaction”. I mean come on,get a real job you assholes.

Politically correct-I have had enough of such words and such people. Do they mean something different than usual when they say those words? I swear,if I hear one more person saying ‘african american’ or ‘speech impaired’ or any shit like that I am going to bust open their chops. Really ,don’t try me.

Beg to differ?? Let me know, oh wait even better , get bent.

Branica Counters

41 SYMPTOMS TO LOOKOUT FOR

Have you ever wondered if you are a dipshit, or ever thought why people get skin rashes when you are around? well think no more as I shall provide you with a definitive guide of the symptoms which will put your questions to rest.

You know you are a dipshit when you-

1. try your level best not to make noise when you eat your chips(its not possible without looking stupid).
2. are out with your friends at a restaurant and you promptly divide the bill right down to paise.
3. start writing something with—“dear diary, today I saw him again……..”
4. pronounce the name of an italian dish from the menu with an accent at a restaurant.
5. tip 5%
6. watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
7. don’t watch simpsons,south park or family guy.
8. when your life has something to do with the colour pink.
9. press the elevator button though you see someone has already pressed it and is waiting right besides you.
10. whistle while you take a leak or make annoying relieving noises.
11. constantly look at the taxi meter during the whole ride.
12. say ‘why don’t you do something about it’ when you hear someone bitching about politics.
13. when your idea of love is some sappy romantic movie.
14. use the word ‘dude’ too many times in a sentence.
15. write sappy poems just so that a few girls can read it and go moist.
16. write something philosophical in the ‘about me’ section in your online profile.
17. suddenly repeat the same jokes which you said 5 minutes ago when a girl is around.
18. have an online name as ‘backstreetboyz156” or “spicegirl69”or/and if you listen to backstreet boys or spice girls.
19. say that you have never watched porn.
20. walk in the middle of the street.
21. surrendered your soul to your girlfriend and only got constant bitching in return.
22. say that you have never once looked at a woman’s rack while talking to her.
23. are a guy and wear perfume and also know its brand name and fragrance.
24. light scented sticks and attend spirit cleansing courses.
25. have used the line ‘ I want to give something back to the society’(please,eat shit and die).
26. constantly bitch about other people without realizing that nobody gives a shit.
27. have a fish for a pet and you name it ‘queeny’.
28. check yourself at every reflective surface while walking by the shops.
29. forward stupid chain mails which say “ do this or get your dick chopped off”.
30. greet each other with “ hi babes…” followed by the paralytic tilt of your head to the side.
31. talk to yourself and pretend that you are Clint Eastwood from ‘good bad and ugly’ when you are alone , even worse if you do it infront of a mirror.
32. use cheat codes to finish a difficult game.
33. are the last one to stand for the national anthem before a movie.
34. talk to the computer when it hangs.
35. sign into orkut and the first thing you see is the number of profile views yesterday.
36. when you play the imaginary air guitar to every ‘slipknot’ song.
37. are the kind of person who looks at his handkerchief after he sneezes.(gross!!)
38. went to a movie and claimed to have come out a little wiser.(stop learning about life from movies, oh and eat shit and die)
39. go out of your way and act modest about everything.(fuck you, everyone can see through your fake bullshit, just stop it)
40. constantly bitch about smoking and say ‘smoking causes cancer’.(holyshit, smoking causes cancer!!? we didn’t know that. please, don’t be a nagging “social reformer”)
41. are getting pissed off because you just realized you have more than 1 symptom from this list.

I was going to mention a few more but I think these many will be enough to get you all thinking. If you have a symptom from above well all I can say about you is

“If you could spare a penny for a thought you would probably get back change”

and if you don’t have any of the above symptoms(ya right) then do let me know, you just might be tagged awesome in my book.

Oh , ya and by the way for people suffering from more than 1 of these symptoms I think its safe to say that there is no hope, spare us the effort and choke yourself and die, nobody will notice your absence.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT

The nuclear deal, yes ,that. This is the only thing of utmost importance affecting our country today (other than inflation) . I know , I know , the very first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word nuclear is may be uranium or a nuclear bomb(which is cool as explosions rule) but this is much more than that . Surely if you have been watching the tv or have been reading the papers you might have seen how much of a political mileage this is creating .There are always those people who support it and those who don’t , unfortunately both of them are politicians.

So what’s the nuclear deal and what do I think of it? I know that I don’t know all the clauses in this deal(123 clauses) but there are a few things that are surely debatable as per the people who oppose it. But since I don’t believe in diplomacy I will take a stance about it and it is this- I support the nuclear deal for now.

The opposition has been bitching and moaning on various stuff about this nuclear deal, the favorite ones being that the deal is not in the interest of the nation or that it doesn’t favour the muslim community(I don’t know what’s the connection). Though they were bitching and moaning they did have one valid point about the non –availability of a triparty agreement. It simply means that if America becomes a spoilt sport and cancels the deal the guys from IAEA(international atomic energy agency, they supervise civil power consumption of reactors) will still be hovering our asses and checking out our nuclear consumption in civil sector though the fuel will be ours then. So one might think that America is able to finally get a sneak peek into our nuclear handling this way because they failed to make us sign their nuclear non-proliferation treaty last time. The opposers were saying that if America breaks the deal then the deal with IAEA should also be broken, that’s the whole triparty agreement agenda. This point is quite valid.

Inspite of these reasons I would still like to support the deal because that’s the need of the hour as of now. I really don’t care about nuclear tests as of now because our main concern should be to increase the use of this form of energy which meets only 3% of our current demands . Almost all of the power reactors run at half the efficiency and it can certainly increase contribution by building up more reactors and at full efficiency. Just look at france , it practically runs on nuclear energy, more than 50 power reactors are there in france. The point is this , we really don’t have much uranium, so if someone has uranium and has a few clauses attached with it, what’s the harm? Because we can later be self sufficient. Allow me to explain.

What we have in large amounts in south besides dosas and idlis and people who are darker than their shadows are huge thorium deposits in the sands, one can practically get a radiation reading with just sampling the sand. So once we have enough plutonium with the help of uranium fission we can use it with thorium to get uranium 233(radioactive) which can be used in fast breeder reactors to convert it to energy. So according to me what we are looking at are more fast breeder reactors in a decade or so. This is really a good deal if you look at the big picture and when India is sufficient enough it no longer has to stick to the deal or when the expiry date of the deal kicks in.

Saying all of this doesn’t mean I support congress or some other political party because I think most of them are full of shit on this thing and plus the only leader I will ever agree to be led by is , me, just trust me on this, I would rule way too much if I were a leader but that’s a discussion for some other day. The reason I think most of them are full of shit can be seen if you can just switch on the tv, they are practically switching sides in favor of money and political mileage . Also the opposition which started off saying that they oppose the deal now have shifted their focus on how to topple the government on this issue. One can actually see blatant buying and selling of support going on as if we are all playing a big board game of monopoly on this nuclear deal. Since this concerns nuclear material and atoms and other such stuff I have found a almost perfect geeky explanation for the resemblance of the politician’s behaviour to the electrons in the atom(though electrons are not of nuclear concern). You know how the outermost shell electrons are loosely bound compared to the innermost and how easy it is to break them away from atoms with a force , the same thing is with political parties, the atom being the political party, electrons in various shells- the politicians(each one with his own price tag) and the force-money and political mileage. strange is the similarity on the microscopic and macroscopic, isn’t it? Ok before this gets any more geekier or philosophical I will come to my next point.

People. Yes , what the hell is wrong with them? most of them don’t even have a clue about this deal . last night I saw one reporter ask a girl a simple question that which are the two countries in light with this nuclear deal and the dumb bitch just couldn’t answer!!
There were few more people who were asked that did they have any idea about the nuclear deal and all of them just laughed it off and said , ya its about bombs and stuff. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why do they beg so hard to get their asses kicked by me? These are the same people who will stand tall for reservations and quotas for furthering their career but refuse to give a rats ass on such bigger issues. And most of them have this one new age bullet proof defense, hey why don’t you join politics and do something about it. Listen assholes, no I won’t join politics but I sure as hell will make my point instead of frittering away my life in ignorance. Oh wait , I think that’s called democracy and freedom of speech but I guess you wouldn’t know.

I know why well-mannered educated youth doesn’t care. That is because no matter what happens, when they go out of the house tomorrow to the coffee joint and sip their coffee it would still taste the same, Fridays will still be the movie day, trains will still be crowded, buying latest fashion would still keep them occupied, how their hair looks would still be an issue and they just couldn’t care less about anything else. I am not trying to sound 60 but seriously just because you can sing the national anthem doesn’t mean you care about what’s happening in the country( atleast the ones which really matter), it just means that you know a song. Really man, people are the worst.

GET YOUR MOVIE REVIEW RIGHT HERE

You know how sometimes directors make their movies all spooky, then go ahead and make it even spookier, then again go ahead and try to make it even weirder but finally end up looking stupid. Well,this was certainly one of those movies. This was by far the undisputed mother of all dumbass movies, no other movie came even close to this one, not even the movie ‘Mars Attacks’.

You know how when you are sick or have high fever and your dumbass keeps saying incoherent shit when you are sleeping , I think this is exactly how night shyamalan came up with the concept for his latest train wreck. The trees are spraying neurotoxins in the air which makes us want to kill ourselves. There it is , that’s the plot. If I did ruin your chances of having the ‘almost zero’ thrill in the movie, well, you might as well read ahead.

The movie starts off with people turning into dumbasses at random and killing themselves( this is where I thought that I had made a wise decision to see the movie). Mark wahlberg , his wife in the movie( who only kept looking at her cellphone the whole time) and john leguizamo star in this movie.I use the word star loosely here. Oh ya,By the way john leguizamo is in the movie, who?? Exactly. But he dies half an hour into the movie(which was cool) like a dumbass, which barely required his acting skills. Anyways I thought till now this was a good plot, I mean , people dying randomly, john leguizamo gets killed, what more could I hope for. But then wahlberg,his wife and a kid start their run from death in a vague attempt to thicken the plot. On their way they meet a man who sports a ‘country bumpkin meets hippy’ look and he really likes hot dogs. He also knows quite a lot about plants for a man who sports that kind of funk. So now wind blows, trees flutter, some people die, mark wahlberg blames the trees and then they pick up their skirts and run. 2 kids get shot and then they meet this old hag in this barn, but then she dies, which was ok with me(believe me she deserved to die, she had issues). Then mark wahlberg gets separated from the wife and the kid in two different rooms which is connected by a tunnel which enables them to talk to each other. Then they talk about their first date and other mushy stuff, then something happens , everything is back to normal, the wife is pregnant but again the killing starts and the movie ends.

You know those couple of seconds after you get up in the morning when your mind is blank and numb and you can’t think straight and you end up scratching your butt , this is exactly how I felt after the movie. He even had the nerve to finish the movie with an ecological speech about how man is destroying everything and how this is a warning sign by the trees, oooh holyshit!, I am so fucking scared now, I bet I should go and water my money plant back home or it might get angry and spray me with that dumbass toxin. Stupid. Is it too much to ask for a movie to make sense sometimes. I think not.

An honest but pathetic attempt has also been made to cramp in some comedy(don’t know why). I think there were 2 instances but I don’t remember them as I was mentally numb by that point.

The only good pay offs in the movie was when that truck hits the tree and when that dude lies down infront of the grass shredder. That’s it. Only 30 seconds of fun and 90 minutes of coma inducing plot.

This made me wonder about the reason for Shyamalan’s endless line of movie screw ups from his shit factory. I mean, really what the hell is wrong with him,is he troubled? What’s with this infatuation of his about killing people, dead people, spookiness , aliens…., really , cut that shit out, its annoying. Either that or he is constantly surrounded by the dick-suckers who praise him blindly . I can just imagine how the conversation must have went before the making of this movie

Dick-sucker1: last night my wife repulsed me in bed again, so I went downstairs and watched the discovery channel , did you see that documentary about global warming and its effects on trees?

Dick-sucker2: No but I saw the one in which they talked about the effects of different neurotoxins on human body. buuurp…. I hate my life.

Night shyamalan: Wait a second ,what did you say, neurotoxins , trees, global warming…….hmm , heeeeeyyyy why don’t we make a movie about……………………

Dick-sucker1 and 2: oh! Brilliant sir! May we service your jewels now sir!!!?

Night shyamalan: [censored]

What night shyamalan really needs is a dropkick to his face or in other words my expertise, to get him back in touch with reality. I guess watching myself take a leak has far more thrills and a better plot than the movie ‘the happening’. Heed this warning, don’t see ‘the happening’ . I am bored writing this , I think I will go take a leak now.

GET OFF THE 'ACCEPTANCE' BANDWAGON,ITS TOO CROWDED

The other day I was reading the paper when I was being constantly disturbed by loud music cos the tv was on. Tried searching for the remote, but that didn’t work out so I decided to continue reading and tried not to get bothered. But then I kept on hearing sounds of people yelling and drums , so I finally put down the paper. I don’t know which channel it was,may be travel and living or discovery but what they were showing was a gay pride parade or some ambiguous sex pride parade, either way it was too annoying and loud. There were half naked (which half don’t ask) men wearing black leather tights with minimal clothing who were celebrating something and profusely groping each other. Some even wore wigs and shaved their legs and were doing the whole Vegas showgirls dance number and all of them had a big fat smile on their faces. I immediately asked myself why the hell are they doing that?? What’s the point?? They all kept saying that ‘I am proud to be gay’. Ok,so you are proud to be gay,but what’s with all that nudity and groping, what kind of message are you sending. Is it that all gay men like to do is get it on with each other?.stupid. They also kept saying the words acceptance and tolerance. I don’t know what they mean by acceptance and tolerance exactly, its not like I go and burn their house down or poke fun at them at a general purpose store by showing them the direction to the tampons section. You know what I hate-people who claimed to have come out of the closet by saying that they are gay/lesbian. Newsflash- nobody cares. If its acceptance you want then you shouldn’t have to go ahead and declare stuff like that and say you are coming out of the closet. Just shut the fuck up. If you are gay,fine,be so, whats there to celebrate and to be proud about. You don’t see me organizing a ‘I am proud to be a man’ parade. Its absurd and believe me its not creating awareness(overrated) at least not in the right direction.I know what you guys might be thinking “man this guy is such an asshole and such a homophobe”.

You know what guys,I know it’s the 21^st century and all, and all of you are really broad minded and open to anything and probably cream in your pants everytime you use a politically correct jargon but let me just stop you right there. I am not a homophobe , I am more like homo?idontcare ,I don’t mind the company of a gay dude but if the gay person is hitting on me knowing that I am straight and you still call me insecure and narrow minded then you are an asshole and so is this gay dude. There are many things in life I don’t want to experience and a gentle caress of another guy’s hand on my thighs is certainly one of them. Is that too much to ask? And if you still don’t get the message then you are just looking for trouble .

Being gay is fine but if you go out of your way and try to prove your point then it just becomes lame.

Personally I am not a big fan of the whole ‘acceptance’ movement which initially gays started, mostly because I didn’t think it was that necessary.

Nobody cares.

But what has really been bothering me is that now every damn person who has a certain sexual preference is trying to jump on the “acceptance” bandwagon. I mean everyone is coming out and saying they are bisexuals/bicurious (i.e prefer both men and women), trisexuals (men, women, animal/furniture/gays/ice cream truck/….) ……I don’t know what’s next, may be quadrasexuals and pentasexuals. The thing is that most of the people who claim they are so, most of the times are so because they were experimenting. They say – I am heterosexual but I also like to experiment . oh ya! Is it? Why don’t you try experimenting with “JUST SHUT THE HELL UP”. Nobody cares what experimentation you did and please don’t come crying about worthless acceptance issues later, especially wannabe trisexuals. You know its not about tolerance and acceptance but most of it is just about the fact that you are so damn horny all the time that you can’t even think straight, you probably would hump anything that moves(probably even got a boner while watching the movie ‘planet of the apes’ ). Nobody gives a damn about your experimentation. Really guys, if some of you are trying to experiment then for 1 sec just try to stop thinking with your dick and use your brains. Just because you like to hump everything doesn’t mean that what you have to say is important. You are not coming out of the closet, you are just being an idiot. Nobody cares. Just stop it.

I even went on online discussion boards to check out people’s views on this issue , and expectedly there were clearly two groups – one supporting and other against gay laws. On careful reading I came to a conclusion that they were both full of shit.

The supporters kept on saying that they were so happy for gays and we should be proud of who we are (which trickled into a standard righteous bullshit speech about ‘revolution in society’) or they kept saying to leave them alone which for the sake of argument on a discussion board became really boring when they said it for each and every thing their opposers posed.

And as for the people who opposed it sounded like they had just taken a shit-bath. One of the prominent arguments,rather the only major argument they had was that the bible doesn’t allow you to be gay and if you are you are sinned. You know what guys , the day I decide to live my life according to a book whose author doesn’t even know me(or the kinda person I am) is the day I will push myself off a cliff into a yard sale of rusted bear traps. Atleast I will die with honour. And there were some smartass dipshits who kept on posting the same dipshit phrase—god created adam and eve and not adam and steve.

Have to admit it was funny for like 2 seconds but nevertheless it was not even slightly argumentative, which naturally lost my attention.

My point is simply this, the acceptance bandwagon is too crowded anyways, get the fuck off it!! Just because you found some new kind of soft toy to shub up your ass with your pals to indulge in self abuse doesn’t mean you are unique or that what you say is of any importance. I mean really guys, who shall cry for acceptance next, necrophilliacs?? Pedophiles ??? I am too bitter to type anymore.

Branica Counters

SPIT-ACULAR !! AIN'T IT?

The spitting cobra can spit up to 2 meters(on a good day) whereas the average mumbaikar is capable of even more. They have taken a trivial act of spitting and have turned it into an artform. Surely you remember the last time you wanted to take a shortcut but you thought that this might be a unsafe route to take as you saw no signs of the route being used by people, and just then you saw spitmarks all over the place which gave you the warm and secure feeling that our beloved fellow spitfires have been here and you followed their footsteps without the slightest hint of fear(hansel and gretel should have thought about this instead of bread crumbs). You can always see sgt. spitfire on a busy street or on trains with the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look on their faces. Is that awesome or what?

This is what i saw the other day,well almost..






I think its safe to say that nobody wants to grow up in a world where we can’t even spit when we like, I mean really, that would be one hell hole. What is all this crap about cleanliness and turning Mumbai into shanghai ,what the hell, I bet people in shanghai don’t have the luxury of spontaneous carefree spitting. I pity them. When I taste something and I don’t like it or when I have been ruminating something in my mouth for past 2 hours I want to be able to spit it wherever and whenever I want, be it on a road,station,office or on somebody’s unsuspecting feet. Spitting is the most manliest thing one can ever pull off, its right up there with smashing concrete with your head. Spitting rules.

You remember when the helmet law was passed where each driver needed to wear one compulsorily (this law is also a blow to the manliness of people who excel at smashing concrete with head), I could see the discomfort of one of our spitfiring dudes right away. I was at a crossing when his bike came to a stop just near me. I could see him chewing something and I instantly knew that he must be quite an awesome guy to hang out with. Then when he was done being awesome while chewing, he, by force of manly habit, modestly looked to his left and spat a major one, splat!!! but unfortunately with the helmet glass still closed. His face totally got ruined, but I could see bunch of ignorant people laughing at his misfortune and were not able to see that the man on the bike was much more manlier than they could ever dream of becoming . My heart almost cried for him, almost. True story.

Since by now you must have guessed how much I admire our spitfiring divas, I will go ahead and decribe the styles they incorporate for being so awesome all the time.

The short outburst- This maneuver is really a basic one. It consists of a quick dispatch of spit but with sheer force and speed. Good lung capacity is a prime requirement. This is one of the things that should come to you as naturally as breathing if you want to be awesome.

The stream- This one shows the person’s control and precision. Its generally a long coherent stream from the mouth to the target spot. Only professionals can give justice to such a maneuver . If you can do this , chances are , you just might be our railway minister.

In between teeth maneuver- This is probably like the black belt of karate. If you can do this , well, I don’t need to tell you how awesome you are. This is a very delicate maneuver which involves directing the stream through the gap between your front teeth and produce that signature squirting sound which is a clear indication of the force and velocity of the dispatch. It takes time to get that right sound, but its definitely worth it.
The masters of this techniques are the guys who sport the monkey wash pants(red monkey wash on a green pant, is that enviable or what!!?) or sometimes even the guys who wear the WWF t-shirts.

Spitting as an involuntary indulgence has come a long way and now if we decide to stop it , well what can I say, we need to take a step back and really take a good hard look at ourselves and reassess our lives. I was going to tell you some more about the manliness quotient of spitting but I think I am going to now stop flirting with the obvious and tell you that spitting rules, just take my word for it. So next time you see someone spitting don’t be grumpy just let them know how awesome they are and how they complete you as a person. You know what, I am going to stop blabbering now and chew the whole pack of wrigleys sitting infront of me and spit it out of the window.

OH NO!! NOT THIS AGAIN

Recently I had a chat with one of my friends when she mentioned that, she is a feminist. Obviously my skin crawled but chatting further I realized she was really not the traditional feminist but a better and refined version. So I didn’t retaliate much. But this chat actually reminded me of the previous chats with other people with whom I had the misfortune of talking to . Everything about them screamed out feminist. They were always getting mad at how you address a girl or they were always using politically correct sentences and forcefeeding righteous bullshit down my throat for no apparent reason ,as if they were holy descendents of god himself/herself(benefit of doubt for feminists reading this).

The only word I heard the most was the word ‘equality’ and they crushed this into each of the little doses of bullshit that they where forcefeeding down my throat. I have never been able to understand what are they so pissed about. Is it men?Is it the government? I just don’t get it.I have never really understood why they think that a sole purpose of a man is to find ingenious ways to control a woman,I mean really,who gives a shit? But nonetheless it is satisfying to hear their idiotic replies when you call on their bullshit.

The other day too I saw how some women judge a man so quickly. A man was late for work and was running after the train and he jus couldn’t let that train go as he would be late ,so he ran and got up on the nearest bogie,which happened to be a ladies compartment. I could immediately hear shrieking and screaming, but no one actually saw the reason as to why he did what he did. But when women step onto the general bogie they expect not even a little brush against their body even if its crowded else she screams out for the bitch she is by saying stuff that will make her sound like a damsel in distress. My theory is that all these women are feminists,neways coming back to my point…

I am not going to put my point forward by saying the same old bullshit like “women are in every field nowadays,be it medicine,space,politics,blah ,blah,….and women are realizing their potential(and then a applause from the audience)”
I am so irritated by the douchebags (be it a guy or a girl) who keep saying this immense proportion of patronizing shit round the clock. I mean , ok fine, I get it , you are doing various jobs now , so what ,who cares? Just do your job and shut the fuck up just like the rest of us, really. I really feel like slitting my throat when I hear a woman say this emancipation crap to me,what the hell am I suppose to do, hand my ass to you on a platter so that each one of you can take turns stomping it. Just shut the hell up.

Talking about that equality stuff, I feel they use it to their discretion very comfortably. For once I would like to see honesty from them. Just once I would like to see all the feminist groups go and protest the girl’s reservation quota in various fields, may be then I will put down my video game and actually lend my ear and listen to them . But they will ricochet that with the standard saying that women were oppressed and denied education in the past, so this is to encourage woman. Really?? this is just like sayin ,hey ! lets kill all the germans cos they really fucked everyone 70 years ago . What has the past got to do with anything?? Giving them reservation just literally gives them the image of being helpless or oppressed which shouldn’t be the case. Education is subject to brains and not female oppression. If reservation has to be given, give it on a financial basis, allow the person to get the same amenities and then let them enter the competition just like others.

There is another issue of woman at work, that she is not given very high ranking jobs and not allowed to prosper, really?

Then who are those people who keep messing with their hair at every board of directors meeting or trustee meetings. But you may say that I am just citing examples now, k fair enough. But let me say this ,suppose for a position mr X has been given a job after denying the same position to mr Y ,would you care?? Probably not .But if it’s miss Y ,then all of a sudden the gender scenario sprouts up , I ask why??? Why was it any different for mr Y , may be both mr Y and miss Y were not capable enough , just learn to live with that. But I guess at the end of the day you will find only miss Y holding up banners in the streets protesting this “oppression”. Just understand that may be you do suck sometimes just like the rest of us.

If at all anyone is denying you of your rightful place then its just that the person is a complete douche(could be a man or a woman) .And sometimes even women back off from high responsibility jobs so that she can give time for home and kids, is this unfair?? I say no, its her decision , and personally I totally respect what she is doing, cos woman are naturally more caring unlike men who might not be so nurturing, and managing a home is quite a task . we all have our parts in daily life, noone is constricting you from achieving your goals, its just a matter of woman’s choice and priority, may be that’s why men don’t generally back down from high pressure jobs cos he knows he and his partner can look out for each other, come what may. What is so unsettling about that, really? why do feminists frown upon that? If she wants to further her present career, fine, well and good , it’s really her call .

Even in the case of bar girls, it was their choice, no one dreams to be a bar girl as a child,right? Ok fine, so you took down the bars which had bar girls(well done) and then what, did you have the decency to atleast offer them jobs so that they don’t go empty stomach the next day, I guess not, I guess all feminists are too busy pushing their agenda ahead rather than caring about the future quality of life.
If precious equality is what you want then may be we should make capital punishment for women too(or is it already?), but surely I always find women frowning upon this, why frown ?? too harsh? Don’t like it? Then just shut the hell up. Bottomline – you can do whatever you want and I just wouldn’t care less.

One can always sense when a feminist is around. She is mostly the most outspoken one with all her jargons and politically correct sentences like calling blacks as African Americans , which basically means “hey look I notice you are black but I will be the patronizing bitch that I am and call you African American though it means that I observed that you skin tone is black and I think it’s a gross thing to call you so” . When you call someone skin tone fair, you blush, and black skin tone is suddenly derogatory?? Plz ,no more such bullshit.( I am talking to all the fairness cream companies too here).

And what is with their fuss with people looking at them. They get dolled up,wear push up bras ( don’t judge,everyone can detect a little anti gravity effect every now and then) and then expect that a guy shouldn’t take notice of such in your face thing. I mean If tomorrow , I stuff my crotch heavily and walk around in public surely I will get a few looks and giggles from women ,but would I mind,or take it as a compliment and not care about it much. I would take it as a compliment and then not care about it much. If you really decide to show your neckline and not have a few guys looking at you then I guess you should just shut the fuck up. And if guys want to touch you ,well handle it your way ,don’t pick up your skirt and come running to us. Just give the guy a sweet sucker punch to the face,I will even stand up and clap if I am near you when you are doing it, hell!, I would even take you out for dinner(believe me it will be a privilege for you).
Just don’t give me the double standards on your beliefs ,is that too much to ask? If you can take care of yourself ,please, by all means ,do so.

I feel there are many women who just do their job and really contribute to the system and what they don't need is the epidemic of feminism. They have their own perfectly working brains they can apply to tackle their own problems, no one needs to point out what their problems are or what they should do.plz every patronising douche out there,just shut the hell up.

On a different note i also have a theory which clearly suggests feminism is the cause of global warming , extinction of the Dodo bird and the steep decline of quality music in this era...but that's a discussion for some other day. Meanwhile all you damn feminists should put down your banners,go home,take a bath and be a little productive for the society,stop being such a leech.

Branica Counters

THE PERFECT GIRL (extra parts not included)

I consider myself a reasonable man and I don’t demand too much. But as a person I do have some wishes and expectations . so here is a list of things that my girlfriend should do or comply with if she happens to live with me.


* Respect me wholeheartedly.

* Always keep the toilet seat lifted up every morning when I get up to take a leak,then when I am done I will call for her and she can flush.

* Write a 300 word essay appreciating me everyday. If I don’t like it I will snatch the paper, crumble it, set it on fire and then give her a black eye and if I actually happen to like it I might not crumble the paper(though don’t count on it too much)

* Do my laundry and iron my clothes so that I don’t see even a single wrinkle else the black eye is always in store.

* NEVER TOUCH MY CD COLLECTION or do things like arranging it alphabetically . If she even so breathes on them, well lets just say I can take domestic abuse to a whole new level.

* Never look directly at me or make eye contact while receiving instructions. She should stand with her head bowed,arms infront ,palms together,legs together and should ask anything she isn’t clear about in a submissive voice . If I sense the slightest change in the tone of voice,well, I think you get the hint.

* Always be ready with two kinds of dip when I am having my chips. Dipping it for me and feeding me is recommended if you want to earn some brownie points. No wait , I change my mind. It’s compulsory.

* Make sure everyday that the tv remote batteries aren’t weak or dead else the batteries won’t be the only thing that will be dead in my house.

* When my friends visit me she should sit quietly like a lamp in one corner and should be in a state of extreme readiness whenever I summon for her by the clap of my hands(twice). After I am finished instructing her she should quietly step away as if she was never there.

* Cook for me and before serving me she should taste everything to confirm that it tastes awesome. I will then taste it myself and she will patiently wait for my approval. A single twitch on my face due to the taste will result her eating the whole thing together at the same time. But if its good and I continue to eat I will probably let her off the hook,probably.

* Perform a sensuous belly dance/pole dance(brownie points for creativity here) every evening at 7 pm and induce a smile on my face, failure to do so will prompt me to put her in such a state that she might start to envy cripples(this will make me smile too, so up to you to choose.)

* Give me a foot massage. But be extremely careful not to do cute little things like tickle me and giggle with the hope of earning some brownie points. I think we all value our lives.

* Always look presentable. Use make up if you like,but don’t let me find you applying it,it pisses me off. If I am even slightly disgusted by your appearance then lets just say your face will not only be hurting my expectations but also my fist.

* Never disturb me when I am playing video games and especially if I am playing ‘call of duty’. Failure to do so can be punishable by death or quick but firm jabs to your guts, whichever happens first.


Now if she manages to do all this with a smile on her face and with a feeling that she is being blessed I might start to think about a future for us, ummm… may be… I dunno ….something like –dinner the next night, remember ‘might’ is the key word here.


Man, it’s raining so much outside, hmmm.

Neways I think the points are pretty clear and they are not up for discussion. I think noone can resist this much luxury while living with me, atleast I can’t.

Branica Counters

WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE IF YOU HAD NO HEART AND NO BRAIN

It’s a rare combination,but she misses both simultaneously.At first,this might sound like another facebook application(or may be it already is,I don’t know,more so,don’t care),but this is not about facebook but about the bitch above who has recently been getting her orgasmic flashes of tv ratings over the ‘Aarushi murder case’. For people who don’t know the bitch above, she is Ekta kapoor(balaji telefilm whore).

She wants to depict the murder case in her soap kahaani ghar ghar ki so as to create awareness as she claims. But later she has promptly mentioned that the story will be only inspired(as if people don’t see through her bullshit) and more so it’s about the general plight of teenagers in similar cases. I ask where was this episode before ,why now,such cases have been around for quite some while now,difference is they didn’t have a news channel to back it up.

And if she really cares about it so much why not make a whole new soap instead of an episode in her already shitty soap.i know why. Its because people would come and see it anyways as media has done half the job for her for publicizing it,which basically translates into ratings.

She talks about awareness,but I don’t get how,cos the CBI hasn’t been able to figure out the case yet she has got it all figured out and also figured it out so well enough that she can air her garbage. Of course,what am I thinking,she doesn’t need the story before hand,y?,cos she can always play the ‘countless death and rebirth’ card or the ‘plastic surgery’ card in her story to finally match the outcome of the case.

(ekta kapoor soap) – (ethics) – (storyline) + (death,rebirth,plastic surgery card)+(greed) = ratings(money)

Even I don’t want to talk about this much ,but I will say this ,that let the CBI do it’s job and meanwhile someone go and kick Ekta’s silly twat to bring her back to her senses.

HEY!DO YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK?

IF YES- then you just got conned.




The latest social networking forum to make it big is the “facebook”.I came to know about it by overhearing my facebooked friends talking about vampires,zombies,werewolfs,slayers,getting bitten and infected,so naturally,I wasn’t interested.Still I thought may be I should atleast check it out since there was an invite sitting in my email account for a long time,thus I joined facebook(big mistake).
Now I am not going to bore you with the lack of ethics of facebook regarding your personal information because I think everyone around knows that.Oh wait.I see the look on your face right now,k so I will tell you few of the things

• You cannot download onto your pc a simple copy of your friend’s information cos facebook keeps it concealed with them.

• You cannot take your address book to another networking site cos facebook doesn’t want you to give your network of friends to their competitors(for the slow,you are being treated like a hoar)

• Any attempt to take your data out results in account deletion but all your info still remains with facebook(here you are being modestly spit upon) .

This is just to mention a few.oh wait. I see that you still don’t give a rat’s ass.When will all you retards understand that this is a major business propaganda just to tap into precious consumer preference data by holding your personal data hostage. But no,don’t disturb me as I am too busy poking,hugging,tickling,throwing a Justin timberlake (wtf!!) at someone.
All this ethics and propaganda aside facebook is still a pretty crappy networking forum.

Firstly,I personally cannot handle the news feed on my home page ,its so damn unnecessary and useless. I know you must be thinking but there is a news feed settings option which you can use.i know that. But according to me the very concept of letting me know that somebody just hugged someone or somebody just tickled someone is undeniable proof that people behind facebook think I am stupid . Then when somebody adds a mindnumbing application an invite is sent to you as notification for joining,and unfortunately you cannot check out the application because first you have to add the application and sometimes even compulsorily forward it to your friends,which is why you got the notification in the first place.

This pretty much feels like being a hoar to propaganda to me,oh but what do you care as you are very interested to know what the other person threw at you or which friends character he/she is. This renders you with the image of a young inquisitive horny teenage girl who always wants to have stupid pajama parties . And if you actually happen to be a young teenage girl reading this then there is probably a pajama party in town you are missing right now,so,go away.

The profile page sucks ass too since you can’t understand a damn thing that’s going on there. If you want to scrap(using this word as all you are orkut addicted) someone you have to headbutt your way through endless application bullshit on their page and then post something but will have to scroll back again a mile to press that ‘home’ button at the top of the page. Oh and by the way the place where you scrap is called a ‘wall’. Behold for I am the ‘wall’ and I am much more cooler than other words such as ‘comments’ or ‘posts’, I am totally cutting edge and totally out there,let us all open a can of root beer and celebrate this modern vague hip lingo,yo!.stupid.

This is what they think of you

The only thing stupider than the wall are the applications. Most of the applications insults your judgement as to what is right or wrong ,as the applications are totally meaningless and mostly gay. Who the hell in his sane mind would want to add ‘what kind of a flower you are?’ or ‘what colour is your heart?’ or ‘what ice cream flavour you are?’. People who add these are the same people who pick up the newspaper just to scurry to the last page to check their daily horoscope or the kind of people who keep on reading their age old cell phone messages again and again. Oh if only you could see the look on your face right now.pathetic.

But people will still argue and say hey,all this is just having some innocent fun.please. don’t give me shit,you are not innocent and you know that ,what you are is plain unadulterated stupid.I have heard naked tribals on national geographic making more sense than you while chanting their ritual songs. All these applications are like being facefucked with instant cockshit.

I did the mistake of joining facebook and even bigger mistake of adding some applications just for the sake of checking them out.Don't fall prey to this propaganda and stop adding stupid applications,better yet,don't join facebook.facebook blows.And if anyone doesn't follow my advice you will be given this complementary t-shirt for your ignorance.

Branica Counters

GIVE ME THE DOUBLE WRAP EXTRA ACTION EXTRA CHEESE MOVIE WITH THE EXTREME KICKASS HOT SAUCE,HOLD THE BULLSHIT

You know just when i actually begin to even like the movie i am seeing the directors always manage to do something to annoy me and a leave a bad taste in my mouth after i am done watching.Why do they have to go and ruin it for me.It almost feels like the directors are conspiring against me and finding ways to tick me off.Just when i am relishing my undersalted,unbuttered butter popcorn they slip in some scenes which makes me wanna bite my tongue off due to extreme anger at being decieved.Here are some movies which i wanted to like thoroughly but the directors pissed all over me.

WAR OF THE WORLDS

MR BEAN OF THE MOVIE

This movie wouldn't have been all that bad if it didn't feature dumbass Tom Cruise.Throughout the movie he acted like a total dumbass and a yoekl who is a little touched in the head ,lets just say.The most annoying part was when he refused to tell his son what's going on for a sum total of 20 minutes in the movie,even after his repeatedly asking him about a modest 100 times. Instead he decided to prance like a little scared nancy girl who suddenly finds out that she has runout of stuff to wax her legs with.
Then what further annoyed me was how throughout the movie he tried to shield his daughter's eyes from the disaster around so that she doesn't have to face the regular harsh realities of life like abrupt alien attacks who want to paint the town red but with your blood.In the movie he was so scared that he talked to himself for half of the time and started having mood swings like a girl in "that" time of the month.Everything else was fine though the movie lacked coherency as i thought it came to an abrupt ending with the alien tripods wussing out and falling like flies.Other than that the movie satisfied all my manly needs of people turning into ash(not the actress) at the blink of an eye,aliens trying their level best to create modern art on the face of our planet with our blood and people having to kill each other over stuff they realy don't need,aaah!,all in all a good feeling.

PEARL HARBOUR

I went to the theatre with the hope of seeing another kickass mind rattling war movie like 'savin private ryan' or 'black hawk down' but what i found to my horror was a crossbreed of "friends" and "oprah".They totally gayed up the movie by introducing a old school love triangle.Few minutes into the movie you actualy begin to think pearl harbour was about america and its love triangeled pilots.Personally i felt kate beckinsale was a total slut for what she did .She pissed me off even more when she tried to justify herself by saying to affleck "you aren't suppose to be alive(sob sob)".You dirty whore sleeping around with his brother,you should have died in the movie.Anyways coming back from the emotional crap in the movie the war scene were not too bad and those japs looked pretty vicious too in their 'zeros'.Basically what the movie should have consisted of is japs threatning the manliness of america,american grabbing their nuts and sayin that they have got some major 'kahunaaas' and after that plain old brain splattering battle till the end,and as for kate beckinsale,affleck and hartnett i would suggest them a death by a modest'zero' missile,nothing too fancy.

DIE HARD

Now don't get me wrong here,i totaly dig this movie for all its action sequence and the "don't fuck with me or i will impail you,yippy kay yaay motherfucker" attitude of bruce willis in this movie.The only thing that was excruciatingly unsettling about the movie was that pain in the ass gay black cop in the movie who always keeps giving mclean the emotional support.Although all the cop was doing before the terrorist attack was stuffing himself with doughnuts and going around laughning and giggling with people on christmas like yogi bear,but only black,more like a grizzly yogi bear.Coming back to my point,i mean all this character was doing was bringing john mclean one step closer to buying tampons for the sequel to this movie.If he continued this conversation with this black dude for long it wouldn't have suprised me if mclean came out of the building wearing a pink frock , lip gloss and maskara.Thank god bruce willis had a gun in his hand and some european looking terrorists to kill otherwise this movie would have been a version of "girls gone wild" all over again.

STAR WARS-EPISODE 6

MY HEART WILL GO ON
This really aches my heart to write anything about star wars cos i love star wars just for the concept of a jedi and a light sabre and the force,i know all you guys practise your jedi moves when noone's watching,don't deny it,you are not fooling anyone.But i consider myself to be a fair man and man enough to criticize something that didn't impress the hell out of me in the movie.Now as a audience of star wars i would expect the battle between darth vader(father) and luke skywalker(son) to be a bloody awsum one,but when luke said'i will not fight you father' i totaly got enraged .I was like -shit this is a kick to the nuts.Instead of confronting vader luke starts to give one of his gay righteous speeches to vader about how there is still some good left in him,but vader with the attention span of a slut in a bikini manages to ignore it and still tries to chop luke's head off.But his righteousness alarm goes off when he sees palpatine zapping his son and making a fine BBQ of him(luke) infront of his eyes and then picks up palpatine and tosses him away like yesterdays garbage,thus causing palpatine's unclassy death.After this i realised there is still some more "father-son,wear a glove and lets play catch son" moment remaining in the movie.and i wasn't wrong.Vader accepts that he was wrong and dies giving another gay speech in his sons arms.Man ,i was thinking how could i circumvent this awkward 'vader feels blue' moment in the movie,this video on the following link totally describes what i was really picturising at that moment.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZBevXohCI

SCIENTOLOGY-FINALLY A SYNONYM FOR BULLSHIT

The other day i was watching south park where i was reintroduced to the topic of scientology.The moment i heard the name i knew that something terrible had happened and i would have to write a blog about it.I was kicking and screaming but in the end i lost and here i am writing about it.

THE SCIENTOLOGY SYMBOL(its to your left)


The visionary of scientology is L.Ron Hubbard.Hubbard is kinda like that guy who blows his nose loudly in public,and you try to pretend that you didn't hear it but you did which really pisses you off on the inside and gives you the urge to totaly stomp that guys ass to the dirt.He had come up with this theory in 1952 but had been marinating in its shit juices for quite some years even before that.The theory revolves around the "handling of spirit in relation to life".Now according to me there are only a few times when you can write such crap,when you are high on marijuana or when you just finished watching all seasons of 'friends' or when a hippie bites you or when you are actually told to do so at gun point.I wouldn't have frowned upon it if he stopped right there but noo,he went ahead and tried to explain everything in the world with his theory which really pissed me off at many levels simultaneously.Now i will present you some of the common beliefs of this theory

• A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body. haha thetan,it made me giggle.By the way thanx mr hubbard for defining the human body in the lamest possible way,plz do continue.
  

• The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body. K firstly the second part of the sentence was not required as it can be deduced from the first part itself.Secondly i am sure i have heard about medical science which actualy have facts supportings their claims.This sentence is a major blow to the nuts of the guys who came up with the structure of DNA and how it works.Although in Hubbards defense he can sell this script to Night Shyamalan.

• Through the Scientology process of "auditing"(which just means listening carefully) people can free themselves of traumatic incidents, ethical transgressions and bad decisions which are said to collectively restrict the person from reaching the state of "Clear" and "Operating Thetan." Each state is said to represent the recovery of native spiritual abilities and to confer mental and physical benefits. meaning-"look how confusing and clever i can be when i use all the big words in the dictionary at the same time while all i do is just try to define the state of a loser who is undergoing the phase of depression."
  

• A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness. I think he is talking about all seasons of "friends" here.

• Psychiatry and psychology are destructive and abusive practices. What this jackass is doing here is subtly contradicting himself with the third point he mentioned above.

• The thetan (spirit) is described in Scientology as having no mass, no wavelength, no energy and no time or location in space except by consideration or postulate. The spirit, then, is not a thing. It is the creator of things. Well that's a smart way to define "nothing".But still it creates things such as trees,water,obsessive drunks,planets and the universe.Well then i gues it's time to shoot down the hubble space telescope since fag hubbard has answered all our questions regarding universe and its origin.Lets all push stephen hawking into a well because his theories based on facts are no longer required as our good friend hubbard here has "alreadybeen there and done that".While we are at it why don't we all take a good picture of einstien and take a leak on it one by one ,may be then Hubbard will be finally able to give himself a pat on his back.
  

• Scientologists subdivide the mind into the analytical or conscious mind, which is "totally accessible to the spirit," and the reactive or subconscious mind, which "unknowingly affects the spirit" and is said to operate "on an irrational, stimulus-response basis." Scientology describes the physical body as "a carbon-oxygen machine" of which the spirit is the engineer. Illnesses and injuries to the body are said to be relieved through the use of "assists." "Carbon oxygen machine"!!oh come on i am sure we all have things other than carbon and oygen,and "of which spirit is the engineer"!!! This sounds like he is trying his level best to teach about anatomy to a bunch of 7 year olds,this is nothing but baby talk.Seriously guys what right does he have to be so stupid.We should all go to his house one day and take his bananas away,cos sometimes this is the only way a chimp learns.
  

• Among these advanced teachings, one theory revealed the story of XENU(sometimes Xemu), introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confideracy." According to this story, 75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling 'Douglas Dc-8' airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects.(this is not a joke according to scientologists)
  

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...............

TEST YOUR OBSERVATION POWER-

On further reading i found out that this theory has become a cult and as all cults it has become a religion too.Some of the supporters are tom cruise,john travolta,katie holmes and lisa marie presley.Scientologists have also come up with a device called the "E meter" which basically measures how good a thetan you are(its probably a coffee machine with a sticker saying
"E meter" stuck on it)

Based on the theory of scientology i have come up with a simple and elegant theory which the scientologists would approve of about the creation of universe.
Xenu had a daughter called Xena.Xena was crying one day because she wanted tasty cereals for breakfast.But Xenu got her something better,a cereal box with a free prize in it.Xena opened the cereal box and POOF!! here we are today.



How do you like that hubbard,you just got creamed!!!!

Branica Counters

MY INTERVIEW WITH GOD

ME-thankyou god for taking time out for this interview

GOD-no biggie

so are you for real or just a guy wearing a white sheet with a very high power lamp behind his head


no, i am the real deal,look i can prove it to you by telling you the next episode of friends which has not been aired yet

sheesh!fine fine i believe you,you don't have to scare me into believing you

haha,that one always works

so god is it true that you created everyone with your own hands?

yup,it was all me(smiles with a satisfied look on his face)

whooa! aren't you getting a little cocky there ,i mean some of your creations did suck ass.

like who(crosses his arm and asks me in contempt)?

k,how do you explain george bush,hitler and ved prakash(our limpdick incompetent prof),and this is just to name a few.

i sincerely apologize

k fair enough.so god i was thinking the other day what gives you the right to judge who goes to heaven or hell,i mean what makes you so right?

well i attend "reiki" classes for purity of mind and soul and plus i think i created you all so i pretty much own your ass anyways(gives me the middle finger salute)

k sorry ,i didn't know you were so touchy about this topic

well i am and learn to live with it

so god what do you with the other gods do to spend time around here, i mean sure,looking at white clouds and pure hearted people in heaven is a rush but still you must be doing something better

don't tell anyone bt me and the guys get together and play a game in which we guess how britney spears is going to screw up next over a round of beers and the remaining time we just watch reruns of "friends" and" beauty and the geek".

you know what,i am sorry i even asked.so god which religion according to you kicks ass i mean cristians,hindus,muslims............which one?

well i believe in the "xacitians" who worship koalas and show appreciation by head butting and eating fried tomatoes.

hmmm,might wanna go a little easy on the beer there,and a lilttle less of that friends should do you good too.

hmmm point noted

so what's hell like and can you tell us something about satan

oh ya satan's fine,nice chap,haven't seen him around lately,has been really busy for the past few centuries.last time he paid me a visit was when our mails got accidentaly exchanged.i still remember the days when we used play the britney spears guessing game together.oh,those where the days(wipes his eye)
oh! and as for hell its pretty much how it is here only difference is they have outlets of mcdonalds and dominos there.

i want to tel you something frankly,i feel satan kicks major ass.i mean sure he takes your souls and shit after you have had your wishes but what good is it after death since heaven sucks so much ass anyways.
and by the way when was the last time you got off your ass to help someone?do the words the crusades,dark ages,celiene dion,world war 1 and 2 ring a bell?wht's the deal with that?


well,you got me there but i don't have anything because i have made people who have coined stupid phrases like"god helps those who help themselves".that pretty much takes a lot of heat off me.haha,kinda feel like the CEO of a multinational company,haha.

(stern face)

so since you are god can you atleast help us by telling where osama bin laden is cos he's really messing up my "chi".


whoa! i don't want any part of this one,i will stay away from this one.man! i don't want crazy ass bush going nuclear on my ass for knowing where osama lives.if you want i can rat out enya,cher and celiene dion if u like.

thanks sherlock,but we already know about them.k then ,a couple of quick questions to wind it up for today.

shoot

is global warming a myth and if not are we screwed?

no it's not a myth and yes you all are screwed.

is the waiter from the hotel i go to evryday spitting in my coffeee?

yes.

should the rolling stones keep performing?

no

who was the bigger bitch,adam or eve?

eve

should i kill the tellitubbies?

yes

reliance or LnT?

Dunno

thankyou god for your time and"all your help"

no!,thank you!,i hope we can do this again sometime.

(ya keep hopin turd) ya sure ,bye now.

Branica Counters