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LOOKOUT!!! A FOOTBALL FAN!!

My average day with a fan:-









Anyone who declares himself as a fan of something is surely full of shit and kidding himself, and also watches Will & Grace. A person can like something or at most like it very much, claiming to be a fan is just another attempt to fill their empty lives with bullshit. Oh and ya, watching football doesn’t qualify as a hobby either.

I bet everyone out there has atleast one guy in their group who is a fan of one football club or the other. Fashion to such guys comprises of wearing their jerseys 24/7, whatever be the occasion. There is always a deep burning need to support the "team" by wearing a jersey (surely made in china) to show his solidarity for the people for whom the only image of India at best is of a land of snake charmers,exotic dancers and flying carpets(actually that would rule).But when it comes to supporting the home team in any other sport they will bitch and moan as if there was no tomorrow.The closest most of these guys (especially fat ones) ever come to being good in football is by the use of the keys ‘A’, ‘S’, ‘D”, ‘W’ and a few mouse clicks. They all use the word “WE” when they talk about their team. Like- We could have easily been in the semis if it weren’t for that 90th minute mishap.
We?? Who’s ‘we’ asshole?? Sitting half away across the world doesn’t mean that you are going to go in next to play mid field. Then they will furrow their brows in vague and accuse you of being as someone who doesn’t get the passion. No you asshole, I get the passion alright, I have a television set at home too (unless you got access to some moon rocks while watching it).
Even I like to watch football because it’s a fast game and requires skill and stamina but Man I just can’t imagine how someone could go on and on about a team and then to top it off pick fights with others of their kind over issues like who’s the faster runner of the two or whose success rate is higher. What I am trying to say is – who cares?

The worst is when some player is bought and sold from their team, then my whole day is ruined cos all these soccer geeks will pitch in with their worthless pile of opinions just to make my life that bit shittier.
And invariably each one of them will have one player whom they consider “god”(and call him the same too), and when you say some shit about him he gets all butt hurt as if it’s a personal insult.

They will know each and everything about the team’s history- when did their goalkeeper first change his hairstyle, or which hotel they stayed at , which players prefer the smell of lavender over rose , or whose studs cost the maximum……the list is endless and obviously gay. What’s the difference between them and other normal textbook geeks who fancy star trek? Yet the former will always be popular(not that I am saying the latter should be, they both suck)

I use to have such friends earlier, but now they don’t talk to me anymore cos one day I took all their jerseys and made me a fine umbrella, I lost it during the rains last year.

Branica Counters

Please, no more

You guys just had to push it ,didn’t you. I tried ignoring you, tried running from you,hell, even tried punching you, but nooo, you guys just had to come and tell me how many orgasms you had last night watching the ‘finely made’ slumdog millionare. I am sick of this movie. First there was the movie,then the reviews,then annoying posters everywhere, then Anil kapoor in the lime light everywhere and now this- the Oscars.

You know what guys, the movie sucked.
Not because some foreigner showed us what we are(though he didn’t) nor that they sold away India’s poverty like many of you sheeps are bitching about, I don’t care. As a movie viewer it just didn’t make it for me. And whenever I say I didn’t like the movie many of you zombies come and ask me “you didn’t like the movie!!!??” Yes you assholes, I didn’t like it, why?? , because the movie had nothing but incoherent shit and exaggerations . The movie showed a fantasy world in a so called “real world”. Wow!! A kid jumping into a pool of shit, that’s so raw and real slum India, isn’t it you assholes??

You know what I think, I think all you assholes out there like watching people do disgusting stuff, living on scraps and somewhere in your malformed brain its hardwired to tell you that all these things are real or ‘tragically beautiful’ and this is what poor kids are into nowadays.idiots.

And what has irritated me more than the movie itself are the people who have either been milkin off this movie or people who have been criticizing it cos they think its slum porn. That’s right all you slum dwellers, all the rich folks in mansions and with trophy wives have got your back!!!
You don’t need to worry, they absolutely know what’s best for you, they feel for you,they really do and they will be damned if anyone with a camera tries to showcase you without their ethical consent.

If this movie was a cow then it would be dead by now, cos Anil kapoor has literally milked it dry. He hasn’t left a single opportunity to show his annoying face at every promotional interviews. What a pointless role he had, anyone could do it, even Celina jaitley could do it just as good/bad(use discretion). The only movie of his I have ever liked is “mr India” but mostly because he was invisible in it.

The other thing which has come to my attention is that the UPA has taken credit for the success of this movie(including the Oscars). Great going you assholes, the government has actually subtly celebrated the fact that it is because of them that these slums are there and hence the credit should go to them as well. Another feather in the cap,eh?

I think our problem lies in the fact that we try to celebrate any damn thing thrown our way, even when Obama won, every little shit bag out there just couldn’t stop foaming at their mouths thinking that their messiah had finally come to set them free. Little did they know that Obama’s policies won’t be that good for India considering he has already taken a stance against job outsourcing and has even planned to stop giving visa for 10 yrs period( called H1 visa I think). Celebrate now u dolts. Still foaming?? Screw it, probably would bitch about this later as and when I have a bad day(or not) but until then, fuck off.

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BREATHE IN , BREATHE OUT.............THAT WILL BE RS5000 PLEASE

I wasn’t going to write about this but recently I was subjected to some spiritual-yoga classes compulsorily which pissed me off big time and hence this post. Don’t worry I don’t have any grudges about yoga or your ancient breathing techniques, really, if you think it works for you then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t spend a fortune learning basic breathing techniques or learning how to be a better human being from a long haired, bearded man. My problem is with the way they portray it among the masses and the way the masses portray them.

All of this just looks like a big marketing ploy to me. Even the famous ‘art of living’ foundation is more like an ‘art of marketing’ foundation. I mean all they do is repackage the same breathing exercises given by just about any other person and make it look attractive by having a suitable leader to profess it. Invariably most of such leaders you see have long hair,beard,wear white or saffron and always have that peace and tranquility look on their faces which is basically to show that they are above it all and that they know some revolutionary truth about life that you don’t. I just don’t understand why do they have to add a “sri” before their name and then to top it off they add one more and make it “sri sri”. I mean really, are these leaders having some ego battle with other leaders to show their greatness. Who gives them these titles anyways?? Stupid.

Then come the claims of his greatness because of his acts and lectures throughout the world advertised either in his congregation or on his website. Here is a sample headlines from the ‘art of living’ foundation website.

What pissed me off more is the thing which is written on their front page and highlighted in bold so as to attract the customers.

You know what guys,just because an organization is non profit doesn’t mean that it’s something really benevolent. One simple example- terrorists. They pretty much try to do the same thing,that is to profess their beliefs without making money. You think people who make profit don't do you good or don't have good intentions??So trying to rationalize the intention of an organization on this basis is inherently stupid. The person in context may be doing it for self satisfaction-that’s his profit and it is only that it happens to be accepted or termed as “good for society” which lets him off the hook. Its only a response to demand and supply and nothing more. Talking about demand and supply they do transfer essentials from other countries to poor regions of different countries like Africa but then for how long??

They teach those people there yoga. I am just thinking that when a child cannot get one small cup of rice the whole day then I don’t think yoga or any spiritual healing can fulfill that. They don’t need righteous speeches but something solid to build their economy because things cannot run on charity for too long,but hardly any major steps regarding this has been taken up by these organizations. This doesn’t mean that whatever they are doing is not helping ,it might be, but all I want to say is that if people think that taking up courses on such breathing exercises is making them a better human being or really happy and free or spiritually enhanced as they claim then you are just kidding yourself. Meditation or breathing might improve your concentration but it sure as hell won’t change the person you are . If you are an asshole now ,neither 10 minutes nor 10 months of “square breathing” is going to change that, you would still be an asshole. Just because you gave money to enroll doesn’t mean you are going to go through some transformation or going to learn some supreme way or art of living.

I dunno why they focus on not getting angry, I say anger is required,that’s one of the basic emotions since birth. When a child is happy it smiles and when it is unsatisfied and angry it cries,why do we need to change our basic emotions. Being angry is absolutely necessary , seriously people,one day just lash out at every fucking person you are angry at and I bet you, you will atleast feel ultimate satisfaction which even 10 months of “square breathing” can’t give or at the most may be getting fired. So joining art of living or getting fired ,either way you loose money,so why not the latter.

Ok then ,just let me sum it up for you . All these organizations or “sri sri ravi shankar” or any other such person is nothing more than a salesman to me who comes knocking on my door in the middle of the afternoon trying to advertise his stuff, I either look at it or just close the door if I don’t like the service being offered. Assuming to be offered anything more than that is simply a mistake and an overstatement.

LIKE A TURTLE ON ITS BACK

Yes that’s how helpless we have been rendered due to our government policies about terrorism. The entire afternoon I thought about talking about each and everything about the recent attacks but then decided not to as it has all been said and done. I am still waiting since the time of the train blasts for our policies to change. The only thing I see at fault is our policies which are always pussy footing around this issue by not sending a strong enough message back to the terrorists(in the way they can relate to,like killing the captured ones on live tv and sending them back a copy of the video saying "greetings" or just feeding him to the public for good old fashioned mob justice) instead politicians choose to come on air and patronize us about our spirit in such times.

And yes,this is to all Mumbai people,stop saying “we are the one’s who are responsible for letting this happen”. No you are not,stop acting like martyrs trying to take the blame, do you mean to say you would have checked the waters for boats or that you failed to spot a terrorist when he walked amongst us. We were all vigilant , but there are things which only special squads can handle, not the regular working common man.

I said I wouldn’t talk much , so personally as reform is concerned, I would like the complete separation of politics and police after a certain level giving them a better flexibility to work, and if possible by government atleast the basic minimum requirement for our police so that they are able to act more efficiently,hell, I am even willing to pay slightly higher taxes if its necessary.

:-(

No no this isn’t the kind of post where I tell you about my innermost thoughts or any of that rubbish . Though , I will tell you why I am sad, its simple- they banned “Deshdrohi”.
I mean I just cannot win. Whatever I like to enjoy they just take it away from me.

I am the kinda guy who laughs when someone trips and falls. I am the kinda guy who watches nascar just for the crashes, I am the kinda guy who likes to watch movies like “Harold and kumar go to white castle” and “Austin powers” . What I am trying to say is I am a guy who has good taste, and based on this I have come to the conclusion that Deshdrohi is a really awesome movie for all. I will even go so far as to say that I love KRK(that’s Kamaal Rashid Khan). Who’s he?? Allow me.

He is the strange little guy who has taken over all our bus-stops,buses and billboards. He is the strange little guy who carries a gun just out of spite,he is the strange little guy who is misunderstood by all. He is KRK. One fine day this guy just decided to come down from the north to modestly hand everyone their asses on a platter and in the process unknowingly ended up handing his own too, and that’s where I come in. This is where is thought to myself “no,that’s just too good to be true”. But it was.

But sadly enough I haven’t seen the movie,why? Simple, because I stay in maharashtra . I don’t know what could the government have against such a light hearted comedy flick,really,I don’t get it. I mean all the guy does is shoots everyone and then follows it up with a ‘unity in diversity’ kinda statement. Whats not to like in this??this is gold!!

By the way just a passing thought about, whether the government should have banned the movie because it was “so controversial” or taken action against the very same people who threatened to burn the state as an reaction to a B grade movie maker??

Anyways back to the movie, I think it has 4 heroines ,out of which 2 are gracy singh and kim Sharma. Now I am not aware of what goes on in bollywood but I think its safe to say that the worst way to nose dive to one’s career’s end is to go on to do B grade movies after mainstream cinemas(that’s for you gracy) and as for kim Sharma, I think I prefer seeing her in B grade movies,good for her.

For all you folks who thought that this is just another run of the mill B grade movie which has sex,violence,car chases and skewed fighting scenes,well ,you all are wrong because this movie has all that and more!! And those are awesome dialogue deliveries with great panache,here’s a few..

Only a few people have the ability to produce and act in their own movie and steal high profile Bollywood actresses from the industry and still fewer who have the audacity to fight 2 dozen cops with just one pair of torn jeans and some badass attitude/gun. And that my friends is KRK.

But noooo, I can’t have any of that as I sit here alone in my room staring at the wall while the rest of India will get to enjoy this marvel,I just hope piracy comes to my rescue or the people having LAN , help a brother in need.

THINGS GONE WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

Tv sitcoms- there are just too many of these train wrecks being aired nowadays. Thank god atleast the barf fest of F.R.I.E.N.D.S stopped. I can still recollect those college days when girls and boys(potential girls) used to get together just so that they could discuss about the “friends” episode they saw last night and used to talk about each character. Man ,I used to hate them.

Worse was when girls picked up styles from these sitcoms,all of them walked around like drones of latest “what’s hot and what’s not” culture . All of them were just one beauty magazine away from being complete air headed bitches. You couldn’t have a conversation with them without throwing a fit,trust me.

Music-I can’t even begin to describe how fucked up the scene is. Everyone nowadays goes for that shit peppy music or totally dark music,nobody listens to good stuff like clapton and knopler anymore. All they want to hear is some blonde girl with straightened hair talking about how she is a trapped soul in a beautiful body BooHooo.......YUCK, just makes me sick. These people just make me sick,which brings me to my next point…..

People-yes,there are just too many dumbasses prattling around nowadays,there are just too many of us everywhere trying to manipulate and playing mind games to control our little lives about which nobody gives two shits except for our selfish selves. Competition this and success that,I am tired of this shit. Biologists shouldn’t find ways to increase human life span rather should find ways to decrease it, lets just say to a maximum of 25 years. No more competition,no more worries about success. Because lets face it , we all are big leeches anyways ,moochin off and milking all the resources for what its worth till we have no more, and no, I am not an environmentalist ,really, cos there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a chain saw screeching through wood(or george bush).

The “youth”- why is it that whenever I hear this word all that comes to my mind is body piercings,tattoos,hip jeans,awful ringtones and slick hair. Really people, what’s wrong with youngsters nowadays. I see their loud obnoxious dumbasses at every coffee joint. The other day too one guy ordered a black coffee(cos that’s what teenagers drink everyday) as he claimed that he liked the taste but couldn’t handle the taste because he was a pussy and added atleast 4 sachets of sugar so that he could have a fruit punch. I mean really guys, who are they trying to impress, what’s the point if you really don’t want to do something and still do it anyways to look all sophisticated. And their heads are all gassed up too with that cliché that ‘youth is our future’. Hell no, responsible people are , not any random teenager who spends hours together on the cell phone. Seriously guys, the voting age should be lifted to 22,oh wait……nah forget about it.

Tom cruise-just choke already , I hate you(besides hating your acting).

Neutrela/soya chunks-what the hell are these things anyways,feels like rubber and no taste,yuck. It’s not even food,they just sit there floating around in whatever you put them. makes me sick.

Karma – the next person who talks about karma ,yoga or inner peace gets punched in the face by me. All they do is sit around and listen to mystic music in weird god awful poses to attain “inner satisfaction”. I mean come on,get a real job you assholes.

Politically correct-I have had enough of such words and such people. Do they mean something different than usual when they say those words? I swear,if I hear one more person saying ‘african american’ or ‘speech impaired’ or any shit like that I am going to bust open their chops. Really ,don’t try me.

Beg to differ?? Let me know, oh wait even better , get bent.

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