SPIT-ACULAR !! AIN'T IT?

The spitting cobra can spit up to 2 meters(on a good day) whereas the average mumbaikar is capable of even more. They have taken a trivial act of spitting and have turned it into an artform. Surely you remember the last time you wanted to take a shortcut but you thought that this might be a unsafe route to take as you saw no signs of the route being used by people, and just then you saw spitmarks all over the place which gave you the warm and secure feeling that our beloved fellow spitfires have been here and you followed their footsteps without the slightest hint of fear(hansel and gretel should have thought about this instead of bread crumbs). You can always see sgt. spitfire on a busy street or on trains with the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look on their faces. Is that awesome or what?

This is what i saw the other day,well almost..






I think its safe to say that nobody wants to grow up in a world where we can’t even spit when we like, I mean really, that would be one hell hole. What is all this crap about cleanliness and turning Mumbai into shanghai ,what the hell, I bet people in shanghai don’t have the luxury of spontaneous carefree spitting. I pity them. When I taste something and I don’t like it or when I have been ruminating something in my mouth for past 2 hours I want to be able to spit it wherever and whenever I want, be it on a road,station,office or on somebody’s unsuspecting feet. Spitting is the most manliest thing one can ever pull off, its right up there with smashing concrete with your head. Spitting rules.

You remember when the helmet law was passed where each driver needed to wear one compulsorily (this law is also a blow to the manliness of people who excel at smashing concrete with head), I could see the discomfort of one of our spitfiring dudes right away. I was at a crossing when his bike came to a stop just near me. I could see him chewing something and I instantly knew that he must be quite an awesome guy to hang out with. Then when he was done being awesome while chewing, he, by force of manly habit, modestly looked to his left and spat a major one, splat!!! but unfortunately with the helmet glass still closed. His face totally got ruined, but I could see bunch of ignorant people laughing at his misfortune and were not able to see that the man on the bike was much more manlier than they could ever dream of becoming . My heart almost cried for him, almost. True story.

Since by now you must have guessed how much I admire our spitfiring divas, I will go ahead and decribe the styles they incorporate for being so awesome all the time.

The short outburst- This maneuver is really a basic one. It consists of a quick dispatch of spit but with sheer force and speed. Good lung capacity is a prime requirement. This is one of the things that should come to you as naturally as breathing if you want to be awesome.

The stream- This one shows the person’s control and precision. Its generally a long coherent stream from the mouth to the target spot. Only professionals can give justice to such a maneuver . If you can do this , chances are , you just might be our railway minister.

In between teeth maneuver- This is probably like the black belt of karate. If you can do this , well, I don’t need to tell you how awesome you are. This is a very delicate maneuver which involves directing the stream through the gap between your front teeth and produce that signature squirting sound which is a clear indication of the force and velocity of the dispatch. It takes time to get that right sound, but its definitely worth it.
The masters of this techniques are the guys who sport the monkey wash pants(red monkey wash on a green pant, is that enviable or what!!?) or sometimes even the guys who wear the WWF t-shirts.

Spitting as an involuntary indulgence has come a long way and now if we decide to stop it , well what can I say, we need to take a step back and really take a good hard look at ourselves and reassess our lives. I was going to tell you some more about the manliness quotient of spitting but I think I am going to now stop flirting with the obvious and tell you that spitting rules, just take my word for it. So next time you see someone spitting don’t be grumpy just let them know how awesome they are and how they complete you as a person. You know what, I am going to stop blabbering now and chew the whole pack of wrigleys sitting infront of me and spit it out of the window.

OH NO!! NOT THIS AGAIN

Recently I had a chat with one of my friends when she mentioned that, she is a feminist. Obviously my skin crawled but chatting further I realized she was really not the traditional feminist but a better and refined version. So I didn’t retaliate much. But this chat actually reminded me of the previous chats with other people with whom I had the misfortune of talking to . Everything about them screamed out feminist. They were always getting mad at how you address a girl or they were always using politically correct sentences and forcefeeding righteous bullshit down my throat for no apparent reason ,as if they were holy descendents of god himself/herself(benefit of doubt for feminists reading this).

The only word I heard the most was the word ‘equality’ and they crushed this into each of the little doses of bullshit that they where forcefeeding down my throat. I have never been able to understand what are they so pissed about. Is it men?Is it the government? I just don’t get it.I have never really understood why they think that a sole purpose of a man is to find ingenious ways to control a woman,I mean really,who gives a shit? But nonetheless it is satisfying to hear their idiotic replies when you call on their bullshit.

The other day too I saw how some women judge a man so quickly. A man was late for work and was running after the train and he jus couldn’t let that train go as he would be late ,so he ran and got up on the nearest bogie,which happened to be a ladies compartment. I could immediately hear shrieking and screaming, but no one actually saw the reason as to why he did what he did. But when women step onto the general bogie they expect not even a little brush against their body even if its crowded else she screams out for the bitch she is by saying stuff that will make her sound like a damsel in distress. My theory is that all these women are feminists,neways coming back to my point…

I am not going to put my point forward by saying the same old bullshit like “women are in every field nowadays,be it medicine,space,politics,blah ,blah,….and women are realizing their potential(and then a applause from the audience)”
I am so irritated by the douchebags (be it a guy or a girl) who keep saying this immense proportion of patronizing shit round the clock. I mean , ok fine, I get it , you are doing various jobs now , so what ,who cares? Just do your job and shut the fuck up just like the rest of us, really. I really feel like slitting my throat when I hear a woman say this emancipation crap to me,what the hell am I suppose to do, hand my ass to you on a platter so that each one of you can take turns stomping it. Just shut the hell up.

Talking about that equality stuff, I feel they use it to their discretion very comfortably. For once I would like to see honesty from them. Just once I would like to see all the feminist groups go and protest the girl’s reservation quota in various fields, may be then I will put down my video game and actually lend my ear and listen to them . But they will ricochet that with the standard saying that women were oppressed and denied education in the past, so this is to encourage woman. Really?? this is just like sayin ,hey ! lets kill all the germans cos they really fucked everyone 70 years ago . What has the past got to do with anything?? Giving them reservation just literally gives them the image of being helpless or oppressed which shouldn’t be the case. Education is subject to brains and not female oppression. If reservation has to be given, give it on a financial basis, allow the person to get the same amenities and then let them enter the competition just like others.

There is another issue of woman at work, that she is not given very high ranking jobs and not allowed to prosper, really?

Then who are those people who keep messing with their hair at every board of directors meeting or trustee meetings. But you may say that I am just citing examples now, k fair enough. But let me say this ,suppose for a position mr X has been given a job after denying the same position to mr Y ,would you care?? Probably not .But if it’s miss Y ,then all of a sudden the gender scenario sprouts up , I ask why??? Why was it any different for mr Y , may be both mr Y and miss Y were not capable enough , just learn to live with that. But I guess at the end of the day you will find only miss Y holding up banners in the streets protesting this “oppression”. Just understand that may be you do suck sometimes just like the rest of us.

If at all anyone is denying you of your rightful place then its just that the person is a complete douche(could be a man or a woman) .And sometimes even women back off from high responsibility jobs so that she can give time for home and kids, is this unfair?? I say no, its her decision , and personally I totally respect what she is doing, cos woman are naturally more caring unlike men who might not be so nurturing, and managing a home is quite a task . we all have our parts in daily life, noone is constricting you from achieving your goals, its just a matter of woman’s choice and priority, may be that’s why men don’t generally back down from high pressure jobs cos he knows he and his partner can look out for each other, come what may. What is so unsettling about that, really? why do feminists frown upon that? If she wants to further her present career, fine, well and good , it’s really her call .

Even in the case of bar girls, it was their choice, no one dreams to be a bar girl as a child,right? Ok fine, so you took down the bars which had bar girls(well done) and then what, did you have the decency to atleast offer them jobs so that they don’t go empty stomach the next day, I guess not, I guess all feminists are too busy pushing their agenda ahead rather than caring about the future quality of life.
If precious equality is what you want then may be we should make capital punishment for women too(or is it already?), but surely I always find women frowning upon this, why frown ?? too harsh? Don’t like it? Then just shut the hell up. Bottomline – you can do whatever you want and I just wouldn’t care less.

One can always sense when a feminist is around. She is mostly the most outspoken one with all her jargons and politically correct sentences like calling blacks as African Americans , which basically means “hey look I notice you are black but I will be the patronizing bitch that I am and call you African American though it means that I observed that you skin tone is black and I think it’s a gross thing to call you so” . When you call someone skin tone fair, you blush, and black skin tone is suddenly derogatory?? Plz ,no more such bullshit.( I am talking to all the fairness cream companies too here).

And what is with their fuss with people looking at them. They get dolled up,wear push up bras ( don’t judge,everyone can detect a little anti gravity effect every now and then) and then expect that a guy shouldn’t take notice of such in your face thing. I mean If tomorrow , I stuff my crotch heavily and walk around in public surely I will get a few looks and giggles from women ,but would I mind,or take it as a compliment and not care about it much. I would take it as a compliment and then not care about it much. If you really decide to show your neckline and not have a few guys looking at you then I guess you should just shut the fuck up. And if guys want to touch you ,well handle it your way ,don’t pick up your skirt and come running to us. Just give the guy a sweet sucker punch to the face,I will even stand up and clap if I am near you when you are doing it, hell!, I would even take you out for dinner(believe me it will be a privilege for you).
Just don’t give me the double standards on your beliefs ,is that too much to ask? If you can take care of yourself ,please, by all means ,do so.

I feel there are many women who just do their job and really contribute to the system and what they don't need is the epidemic of feminism. They have their own perfectly working brains they can apply to tackle their own problems, no one needs to point out what their problems are or what they should do.plz every patronising douche out there,just shut the hell up.

On a different note i also have a theory which clearly suggests feminism is the cause of global warming , extinction of the Dodo bird and the steep decline of quality music in this era...but that's a discussion for some other day. Meanwhile all you damn feminists should put down your banners,go home,take a bath and be a little productive for the society,stop being such a leech.

Branica Counters

THE PERFECT GIRL (extra parts not included)

I consider myself a reasonable man and I don’t demand too much. But as a person I do have some wishes and expectations . so here is a list of things that my girlfriend should do or comply with if she happens to live with me.


* Respect me wholeheartedly.

* Always keep the toilet seat lifted up every morning when I get up to take a leak,then when I am done I will call for her and she can flush.

* Write a 300 word essay appreciating me everyday. If I don’t like it I will snatch the paper, crumble it, set it on fire and then give her a black eye and if I actually happen to like it I might not crumble the paper(though don’t count on it too much)

* Do my laundry and iron my clothes so that I don’t see even a single wrinkle else the black eye is always in store.

* NEVER TOUCH MY CD COLLECTION or do things like arranging it alphabetically . If she even so breathes on them, well lets just say I can take domestic abuse to a whole new level.

* Never look directly at me or make eye contact while receiving instructions. She should stand with her head bowed,arms infront ,palms together,legs together and should ask anything she isn’t clear about in a submissive voice . If I sense the slightest change in the tone of voice,well, I think you get the hint.

* Always be ready with two kinds of dip when I am having my chips. Dipping it for me and feeding me is recommended if you want to earn some brownie points. No wait , I change my mind. It’s compulsory.

* Make sure everyday that the tv remote batteries aren’t weak or dead else the batteries won’t be the only thing that will be dead in my house.

* When my friends visit me she should sit quietly like a lamp in one corner and should be in a state of extreme readiness whenever I summon for her by the clap of my hands(twice). After I am finished instructing her she should quietly step away as if she was never there.

* Cook for me and before serving me she should taste everything to confirm that it tastes awesome. I will then taste it myself and she will patiently wait for my approval. A single twitch on my face due to the taste will result her eating the whole thing together at the same time. But if its good and I continue to eat I will probably let her off the hook,probably.

* Perform a sensuous belly dance/pole dance(brownie points for creativity here) every evening at 7 pm and induce a smile on my face, failure to do so will prompt me to put her in such a state that she might start to envy cripples(this will make me smile too, so up to you to choose.)

* Give me a foot massage. But be extremely careful not to do cute little things like tickle me and giggle with the hope of earning some brownie points. I think we all value our lives.

* Always look presentable. Use make up if you like,but don’t let me find you applying it,it pisses me off. If I am even slightly disgusted by your appearance then lets just say your face will not only be hurting my expectations but also my fist.

* Never disturb me when I am playing video games and especially if I am playing ‘call of duty’. Failure to do so can be punishable by death or quick but firm jabs to your guts, whichever happens first.


Now if she manages to do all this with a smile on her face and with a feeling that she is being blessed I might start to think about a future for us, ummm… may be… I dunno ….something like –dinner the next night, remember ‘might’ is the key word here.


Man, it’s raining so much outside, hmmm.

Neways I think the points are pretty clear and they are not up for discussion. I think noone can resist this much luxury while living with me, atleast I can’t.

Branica Counters

WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE IF YOU HAD NO HEART AND NO BRAIN

It’s a rare combination,but she misses both simultaneously.At first,this might sound like another facebook application(or may be it already is,I don’t know,more so,don’t care),but this is not about facebook but about the bitch above who has recently been getting her orgasmic flashes of tv ratings over the ‘Aarushi murder case’. For people who don’t know the bitch above, she is Ekta kapoor(balaji telefilm whore).

She wants to depict the murder case in her soap kahaani ghar ghar ki so as to create awareness as she claims. But later she has promptly mentioned that the story will be only inspired(as if people don’t see through her bullshit) and more so it’s about the general plight of teenagers in similar cases. I ask where was this episode before ,why now,such cases have been around for quite some while now,difference is they didn’t have a news channel to back it up.

And if she really cares about it so much why not make a whole new soap instead of an episode in her already shitty soap.i know why. Its because people would come and see it anyways as media has done half the job for her for publicizing it,which basically translates into ratings.

She talks about awareness,but I don’t get how,cos the CBI hasn’t been able to figure out the case yet she has got it all figured out and also figured it out so well enough that she can air her garbage. Of course,what am I thinking,she doesn’t need the story before hand,y?,cos she can always play the ‘countless death and rebirth’ card or the ‘plastic surgery’ card in her story to finally match the outcome of the case.

(ekta kapoor soap) – (ethics) – (storyline) + (death,rebirth,plastic surgery card)+(greed) = ratings(money)

Even I don’t want to talk about this much ,but I will say this ,that let the CBI do it’s job and meanwhile someone go and kick Ekta’s silly twat to bring her back to her senses.

HEY!DO YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK?

IF YES- then you just got conned.




The latest social networking forum to make it big is the “facebook”.I came to know about it by overhearing my facebooked friends talking about vampires,zombies,werewolfs,slayers,getting bitten and infected,so naturally,I wasn’t interested.Still I thought may be I should atleast check it out since there was an invite sitting in my email account for a long time,thus I joined facebook(big mistake).
Now I am not going to bore you with the lack of ethics of facebook regarding your personal information because I think everyone around knows that.Oh wait.I see the look on your face right now,k so I will tell you few of the things

• You cannot download onto your pc a simple copy of your friend’s information cos facebook keeps it concealed with them.

• You cannot take your address book to another networking site cos facebook doesn’t want you to give your network of friends to their competitors(for the slow,you are being treated like a hoar)

• Any attempt to take your data out results in account deletion but all your info still remains with facebook(here you are being modestly spit upon) .

This is just to mention a few.oh wait. I see that you still don’t give a rat’s ass.When will all you retards understand that this is a major business propaganda just to tap into precious consumer preference data by holding your personal data hostage. But no,don’t disturb me as I am too busy poking,hugging,tickling,throwing a Justin timberlake (wtf!!) at someone.
All this ethics and propaganda aside facebook is still a pretty crappy networking forum.

Firstly,I personally cannot handle the news feed on my home page ,its so damn unnecessary and useless. I know you must be thinking but there is a news feed settings option which you can use.i know that. But according to me the very concept of letting me know that somebody just hugged someone or somebody just tickled someone is undeniable proof that people behind facebook think I am stupid . Then when somebody adds a mindnumbing application an invite is sent to you as notification for joining,and unfortunately you cannot check out the application because first you have to add the application and sometimes even compulsorily forward it to your friends,which is why you got the notification in the first place.

This pretty much feels like being a hoar to propaganda to me,oh but what do you care as you are very interested to know what the other person threw at you or which friends character he/she is. This renders you with the image of a young inquisitive horny teenage girl who always wants to have stupid pajama parties . And if you actually happen to be a young teenage girl reading this then there is probably a pajama party in town you are missing right now,so,go away.

The profile page sucks ass too since you can’t understand a damn thing that’s going on there. If you want to scrap(using this word as all you are orkut addicted) someone you have to headbutt your way through endless application bullshit on their page and then post something but will have to scroll back again a mile to press that ‘home’ button at the top of the page. Oh and by the way the place where you scrap is called a ‘wall’. Behold for I am the ‘wall’ and I am much more cooler than other words such as ‘comments’ or ‘posts’, I am totally cutting edge and totally out there,let us all open a can of root beer and celebrate this modern vague hip lingo,yo!.stupid.

This is what they think of you

The only thing stupider than the wall are the applications. Most of the applications insults your judgement as to what is right or wrong ,as the applications are totally meaningless and mostly gay. Who the hell in his sane mind would want to add ‘what kind of a flower you are?’ or ‘what colour is your heart?’ or ‘what ice cream flavour you are?’. People who add these are the same people who pick up the newspaper just to scurry to the last page to check their daily horoscope or the kind of people who keep on reading their age old cell phone messages again and again. Oh if only you could see the look on your face right now.pathetic.

But people will still argue and say hey,all this is just having some innocent fun.please. don’t give me shit,you are not innocent and you know that ,what you are is plain unadulterated stupid.I have heard naked tribals on national geographic making more sense than you while chanting their ritual songs. All these applications are like being facefucked with instant cockshit.

I did the mistake of joining facebook and even bigger mistake of adding some applications just for the sake of checking them out.Don't fall prey to this propaganda and stop adding stupid applications,better yet,don't join facebook.facebook blows.And if anyone doesn't follow my advice you will be given this complementary t-shirt for your ignorance.

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