SPIT-ACULAR !! AIN'T IT?

The spitting cobra can spit up to 2 meters(on a good day) whereas the average mumbaikar is capable of even more. They have taken a trivial act of spitting and have turned it into an artform. Surely you remember the last time you wanted to take a shortcut but you thought that this might be a unsafe route to take as you saw no signs of the route being used by people, and just then you saw spitmarks all over the place which gave you the warm and secure feeling that our beloved fellow spitfires have been here and you followed their footsteps without the slightest hint of fear(hansel and gretel should have thought about this instead of bread crumbs). You can always see sgt. spitfire on a busy street or on trains with the ‘I don’t give a shit’ look on their faces. Is that awesome or what?

This is what i saw the other day,well almost..






I think its safe to say that nobody wants to grow up in a world where we can’t even spit when we like, I mean really, that would be one hell hole. What is all this crap about cleanliness and turning Mumbai into shanghai ,what the hell, I bet people in shanghai don’t have the luxury of spontaneous carefree spitting. I pity them. When I taste something and I don’t like it or when I have been ruminating something in my mouth for past 2 hours I want to be able to spit it wherever and whenever I want, be it on a road,station,office or on somebody’s unsuspecting feet. Spitting is the most manliest thing one can ever pull off, its right up there with smashing concrete with your head. Spitting rules.

You remember when the helmet law was passed where each driver needed to wear one compulsorily (this law is also a blow to the manliness of people who excel at smashing concrete with head), I could see the discomfort of one of our spitfiring dudes right away. I was at a crossing when his bike came to a stop just near me. I could see him chewing something and I instantly knew that he must be quite an awesome guy to hang out with. Then when he was done being awesome while chewing, he, by force of manly habit, modestly looked to his left and spat a major one, splat!!! but unfortunately with the helmet glass still closed. His face totally got ruined, but I could see bunch of ignorant people laughing at his misfortune and were not able to see that the man on the bike was much more manlier than they could ever dream of becoming . My heart almost cried for him, almost. True story.

Since by now you must have guessed how much I admire our spitfiring divas, I will go ahead and decribe the styles they incorporate for being so awesome all the time.

The short outburst- This maneuver is really a basic one. It consists of a quick dispatch of spit but with sheer force and speed. Good lung capacity is a prime requirement. This is one of the things that should come to you as naturally as breathing if you want to be awesome.

The stream- This one shows the person’s control and precision. Its generally a long coherent stream from the mouth to the target spot. Only professionals can give justice to such a maneuver . If you can do this , chances are , you just might be our railway minister.

In between teeth maneuver- This is probably like the black belt of karate. If you can do this , well, I don’t need to tell you how awesome you are. This is a very delicate maneuver which involves directing the stream through the gap between your front teeth and produce that signature squirting sound which is a clear indication of the force and velocity of the dispatch. It takes time to get that right sound, but its definitely worth it.
The masters of this techniques are the guys who sport the monkey wash pants(red monkey wash on a green pant, is that enviable or what!!?) or sometimes even the guys who wear the WWF t-shirts.

Spitting as an involuntary indulgence has come a long way and now if we decide to stop it , well what can I say, we need to take a step back and really take a good hard look at ourselves and reassess our lives. I was going to tell you some more about the manliness quotient of spitting but I think I am going to now stop flirting with the obvious and tell you that spitting rules, just take my word for it. So next time you see someone spitting don’t be grumpy just let them know how awesome they are and how they complete you as a person. You know what, I am going to stop blabbering now and chew the whole pack of wrigleys sitting infront of me and spit it out of the window.