FUN / ANNOYING / WEIRD THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED AT THE OFFICE

1. Walk into an elevator with people , stand and face towards one of the corners and sigh every 5 seconds

2. Wait at the top floor for the elevator and then when it comes ask whether it is going up, when they laugh, say softly with a sheepish smile “only I know about the extra floor I guess”.

3. Call up reception from your neighbor’s desk and ask her to call out for Mr Ulasion , first name Jack.

4. Pretend to dodge invisible bullets.

5. Always leave a printout from your PC in bold letters saying “ I know what you did last night” at the common printer on the floor.

6. While working on your PC shout “oh no , they are on to me” and then get up and run frantically.

7. Say “I am in” and then type really fast without looking at your neighbour, suddenly pause , press enter and say “3..2..1…, whoa! I will never have to work again!”

8. Refer to yourself in the third person for one whole day.

9. Make your office supplies fight with each other.

10. Play the star wars music on your PC whenever you get up from your desk.

11. Look suspicious the entire day, and when asked why , say softly “easy,they can hear you”.

12. Start a conversation about girl friends, and when asked about yours , say , “ like you guys, mine’s also beautiful but also inflatable”.

13. Get a clap switch for your desk lights and then act all king like .

14. Draw a picture of a baby stabbing a lil white bunny with a kitchen knife and pin it up on your desk. On being asked say your 8 year old son made this because he wants to be a doctor when he grows up. Insist on an Awww.....

15. When in a crowded lift, say the floor numbers out loud when they pass by.

16. Get a gerbil and release it in the AC ducts.

17. Get up and pet the office plant in the corner and then return to your table.

18. Give an internet applause (tapping your finger gently on keyboard) and say yayyyy…. every time you finish with a download.

19. If you have a chair that spins then spin yourself and pretend to shoot a double barreled gun with your fingers. After coming to a stop blow the nozzle and say “mind it”.

20. Talk like the “rainman” the entire day.

21. Make a voodoo doll of your boss and pretend to do black (or African American) magic.

22. Read your company policy backwards and claim to have found hidden satanic messages.

23. When in a meeting sit way back , wear one of those big foam fingers showing “NO.1” and look seriously at your colleague giving a presentation. Later tell him , “that’s not the finger I was actually holding up”.

24. Pretend going to meetings as going to a movie theatre. Ask for drinks, insist for an usherer , whistle in between, claim you are bored and ask for your money back.

25. Before you get off the phone with a co-worker ask, “should I super-size that order” or “would you like fries with that”.

Branica Counters

GADGETS I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE

The other day I was on YouTube and I watched a video of Microsoft's future endeavour in technology in gadgets. What they showed was quite good, for eg. a graphical interface telling you what you looking at and many more things. But this really doesn't fascinate me much . I like gadgets which  really make a hell lot of difference in my life.
But before I tell you about the gadgets I would like to have, you should probably know a few things about me.
I am a kinda guy who doesn't really like to be around people much. Forced socialising is not my cup of tea. I can't plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend to be interested in what you are saying. Chances are I would probabaly let you know. Sometimes I pretend to not remember the person when he/she says hi ,just out of the fear of a conversation. But that never works.I also do not understand the complexities involved in male-female bonding, not that I am gay or anything.To me life is not a box of choclates. My understanding of life so far is "If everything is coming your way, you are driving in the wrong lane".
Since now you know me a litlle better(or so you think) lets look at my dream gadgets.

Gadget no.1-.I believe this gadget has already made it's first cut in the movie Men In Black. I like to call it "The Zapper 2000".

Ya, that's right , it's the lil pen like thing which sends out a flash and erases your memory. I can't even begin to imagine what a life saver it would be for me. What if you are stuck talking to some boring coleague about his 3 month old baby for 15 mins? You just reach for your pocket and say "cheese" and you walk away.Come back ,crack him in the nuts and then say "cheese" again and leave.Everybody wins.No, actualy only I win.  But that's the idea I believe.
You can use this on yourself too if you need to get something unpleasant out of your head.Saw telletubbies? Walking behind a fat guy wearing sliding hip jeans? Accidentally felt a guy in the crowded train? Saw F.R.I.E.N.D.S? fear not, just take out the zapper 2000 and free yourself from the 4 nights of insomnia.But overuse on self can make you talk like a doddering oaf or even worse, like George Bush.

Gadget no 2-I believe as human beings we have come a long way understanding ourselves, how we operate.
We have gracefully accepted evolution and all the answers it offers us. But none of that understanding from evolution still enables us to understand a woman yet.We know more about the mating habits of baboons than we do about women.So I am not going to spend my time deciphering this code, instead a gadget should do all this. I like to call it the "Womanalyzer". This would be just a hi-tech pair of shades which gives you relevant details in graphical form on your shades of the woman in your vision.Just like the microsoft future gadgets . Data represented should be in 'guy terms'. I have taken the liberty to demonstrate a few.

 

 

 

No more dating game. Just wear it and pretend all is well with the world. No more trying to figure out mixed signals. Kinda like the "Lemon Law"(courtesy:Barney Stinson-HIMYM).

And if the remote chance arises that the device has misguided you, well, you can always reach for your pocket and say "cheese".

Branica Counters

A SHAVING CREAM A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY

So yesterday I was out to get me some quarterly supply of shaving cream . I was walking down the aisle and I noticed a plethora of products in fancy packing, but the funny thing was that I didn’t realize that they were all shaving creams and you know why I didn’t realize it , cos most of them had some fruit extracts in it. Yeah that’s right, now I am standing there staring at the shaving cream with the mango extract . I was wondering where did my regular plain old shaving cream go ? And at that exact moment I felt it all , a complete jackass standing in an aisle in his shorts with an empty basket trying to shop for fruity shaving creams .

I don’t know what is this sick impulsion people have of putting fruit into everything, I mean I always knew a little bit of lemon was always there in each product but it was strictly as an essence , and now here we have apple extract face wash, mango extract sunscreen, aloe extract hand wash, jojoba extract cleanser , jojoba extract cleanser!!! I don’t even know what the hell is a jojoba supposed to be !!! whenever I see jojoba I figure it to be some exotic fruit from some African jungle with mystical powers. I felt as if I was in my house for too long and the world changed around me. Why did they have to go so far as to messing with the men’s shaving cream ? And since I for one am a rebel won’t ever use anything with fruit extracts. One of these things had everything,jojoba,avocado,mango,apple…, I wasn’t sure whether to shave with it or eat it with a box of cereals. Oh and ya mind you , I was standing in the men’s section and not the women’s by mistake.

Their commercials are also kinda yummy, I mean all that cream and strawberries and choclate really gets an appetite going . And don’t even get me started on the whole issue of fairness cream. If it’s so natural then why should it change the natural colour of my skin? Anyways I was pissed off mostly cos they decided to fruit up my shaving gel .So I just picked up a Palmolive and got the hell out of there.

But when I came back home and was washing up I noticed something I had never noticed before. It was my shampoo , it had some extracts of its own. I generally don’t look at the shampoo at home , if something is kept on the shelf I use it. But besides the extracts in the shampoo I saw something aggressive written on it.



Yeah that’s right, “ dangerously straight” and after I used it I found my hair to be “ dangerously okay”. Yup nothing happened , it wasn’t so dangerously pin straight that I start looking like a goth. So I asked this management guy who sits next to me in the office that what’s up with this viral marketing with fruits, why aren’t we eating them if they are so nutritious? So then he tells me about the whole blue ocean strategy. This basically says there’s a red and a blue ocean , red’s for the competitive products and blue is for unique products with qualities no one else has.
Now my hair is supposed to smell like almonds, my face like a mango and hands like a peach. Makes you a damn freak I tell you. I don’t know what to expect in my next quarterly visit to replenish my supply, a pasta flavored skin cream with cantelope extract?? Seriously guys these kinda things may cause seizures or something or atleast make you gay.
NOTE: If you watch Grey’s anatomy or Friends then you are already in an advanced stage of using these products . I will pray for you.

Branica Counters

CHAT ROOMS ARE FUN

This is one of the actual chats from a chatroom , don't ask me how I got it.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

Branica Counters

BORED?? KILL YOUR TIME HERE

Ofcourse you are bored , no wonder you are skimping through blogs.Anywho , feel free to waste your time on these links..
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/copter.swf
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/squares.swf
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/bubblewrap.swf
https://home.comcast.net/~slybiker88/junk/backmasking.swf

BATTLE ROYALE: COMMON SENSE VS SAMAJWADI PARTY

As I sip my morning cup of coffee, I pick up the paper. In it I read a manifesto of a party, then I check for the date on the paper and it isn’t april 1st . My heart still feeling the fibrillating excitement it always feels when it is just about to discover something/someone really stupid, I decided to read on. And voila!! Samajwadi party makes my day.
Their manifesto not only makes bold claims to blow India’s ass back to the B.Cs but also does it without anticipating it. We don’t need time travel, just vote samajwadi party and good times will be had(unless you want to travel to the future).
To be honest I realy don’t care about voting, not that I am really sad over the whole political scenario and have lost all hope but mostly because personally i feel it wouldn’t affect me if either party ruled(when has it mattered anyways).
Also the cock faces who say 100% voting is the way to a good and fair government don’t realize a simple thing. At the most only 30% of the population is educated enough to make an educated choice over a party’s manifesto , rest all votes go for as cheap as 100 bucks or a square meal. 100% voting won’t solve anything, so please stop forcing down all that jaagore.com propaganda down my throat. Plus those 30% realize that the agendas really are not that substantial and wouldn’t really affect them anyways. But for now I find none of the parties with a good enough agenda so I don’t care about the vote(really sorry to disappoint the ‘lets vote and make a change’ youth)
Now getting back to the manifesto-

Here are the key "promises" made by Samajwadi Party's Poll Manifesto:

1) Put a ban on English Medium Education
2) Remove English language as a medium from all offices and education institutions

Actually that would be kind of cool, I mean think about it, just for the heck of it.
Asal main ye kaafi thanda hoga, soch ke dekhiye, bas aise hi…
Nah… not really working…. Out.

3) Remove all computers from offices and institutes.
…..and then?? Are you proposing human beings deliver e-mail or are you going to employ people to physically put things in the bin. Hell forget this, what about all the porn, are you going to employ people for that too……,
nah…….out.

4) Ban the use of machinery in agriculture. Tractors will be replaced by bullock carts.
Hmmm atleast this will give Maneka Gandhi something to bitch about

5) NO to share trading and stock market operations.
Hmmmm so no more surviving in the market, guess its time to sell magic beans,flying carpets and essences to foreigners again .


6) Take actions against high corporate salaries.

Better yet, take way their cars and give them those bullock carts, I can imagine it right now, complete Mumbai-pune highway flooded with bullock carts and gassy bullocks,sweeeet……..

7) Mall culture will be stopped.
Aaah I guess its ok, they don’t have bullock cart parking anyways.

8) The salaries provided by private companies should be at par with the minimum wages for labourers.
Thwack, homerun!!

9) Improve relations with Pakistan and Bangladesh.
Lets get down on our knees and suck their balls already, why the fucking wait!!!

10) Action against communal powers and attack terrorism at its roots.
I have always wondered how wonderfuland simple a sentence becomes when you use the word ‘root’.

11) Unemployment Allowance Scheme for unemployed youth.
I am guessing this will be from tax payers money, but if we are suppose to get minimum wage and ride bullock carts how much tax would we be able to really pay.
I guess we can always pay in bullocks.

12) Welfare schemes for lawyers and the business community.
Aww.. you care? But why??


I know nowadays it's really hard not to look stupid , but come on. By the way check out sanju baba’s face in the pic, doesn’t he look clueless. And with this I have finished my coffee.

Vote samajwadi party, just for the heck of it…

PUBLIC AWARENESS,Giant Caterpillar found in Australia

Thank you for your time.

LOOKOUT!!! A FOOTBALL FAN!!

My average day with a fan:-









Anyone who declares himself as a fan of something is surely full of shit and kidding himself, and also watches Will & Grace. A person can like something or at most like it very much, claiming to be a fan is just another attempt to fill their empty lives with bullshit. Oh and ya, watching football doesn’t qualify as a hobby either.

I bet everyone out there has atleast one guy in their group who is a fan of one football club or the other. Fashion to such guys comprises of wearing their jerseys 24/7, whatever be the occasion. There is always a deep burning need to support the "team" by wearing a jersey (surely made in china) to show his solidarity for the people for whom the only image of India at best is of a land of snake charmers,exotic dancers and flying carpets(actually that would rule).But when it comes to supporting the home team in any other sport they will bitch and moan as if there was no tomorrow.The closest most of these guys (especially fat ones) ever come to being good in football is by the use of the keys ‘A’, ‘S’, ‘D”, ‘W’ and a few mouse clicks. They all use the word “WE” when they talk about their team. Like- We could have easily been in the semis if it weren’t for that 90th minute mishap.
We?? Who’s ‘we’ asshole?? Sitting half away across the world doesn’t mean that you are going to go in next to play mid field. Then they will furrow their brows in vague and accuse you of being as someone who doesn’t get the passion. No you asshole, I get the passion alright, I have a television set at home too (unless you got access to some moon rocks while watching it).
Even I like to watch football because it’s a fast game and requires skill and stamina but Man I just can’t imagine how someone could go on and on about a team and then to top it off pick fights with others of their kind over issues like who’s the faster runner of the two or whose success rate is higher. What I am trying to say is – who cares?

The worst is when some player is bought and sold from their team, then my whole day is ruined cos all these soccer geeks will pitch in with their worthless pile of opinions just to make my life that bit shittier.
And invariably each one of them will have one player whom they consider “god”(and call him the same too), and when you say some shit about him he gets all butt hurt as if it’s a personal insult.

They will know each and everything about the team’s history- when did their goalkeeper first change his hairstyle, or which hotel they stayed at , which players prefer the smell of lavender over rose , or whose studs cost the maximum……the list is endless and obviously gay. What’s the difference between them and other normal textbook geeks who fancy star trek? Yet the former will always be popular(not that I am saying the latter should be, they both suck)

I use to have such friends earlier, but now they don’t talk to me anymore cos one day I took all their jerseys and made me a fine umbrella, I lost it during the rains last year.

Branica Counters

Please, no more

You guys just had to push it ,didn’t you. I tried ignoring you, tried running from you,hell, even tried punching you, but nooo, you guys just had to come and tell me how many orgasms you had last night watching the ‘finely made’ slumdog millionare. I am sick of this movie. First there was the movie,then the reviews,then annoying posters everywhere, then Anil kapoor in the lime light everywhere and now this- the Oscars.

You know what guys, the movie sucked.
Not because some foreigner showed us what we are(though he didn’t) nor that they sold away India’s poverty like many of you sheeps are bitching about, I don’t care. As a movie viewer it just didn’t make it for me. And whenever I say I didn’t like the movie many of you zombies come and ask me “you didn’t like the movie!!!??” Yes you assholes, I didn’t like it, why?? , because the movie had nothing but incoherent shit and exaggerations . The movie showed a fantasy world in a so called “real world”. Wow!! A kid jumping into a pool of shit, that’s so raw and real slum India, isn’t it you assholes??

You know what I think, I think all you assholes out there like watching people do disgusting stuff, living on scraps and somewhere in your malformed brain its hardwired to tell you that all these things are real or ‘tragically beautiful’ and this is what poor kids are into nowadays.idiots.

And what has irritated me more than the movie itself are the people who have either been milkin off this movie or people who have been criticizing it cos they think its slum porn. That’s right all you slum dwellers, all the rich folks in mansions and with trophy wives have got your back!!!
You don’t need to worry, they absolutely know what’s best for you, they feel for you,they really do and they will be damned if anyone with a camera tries to showcase you without their ethical consent.

If this movie was a cow then it would be dead by now, cos Anil kapoor has literally milked it dry. He hasn’t left a single opportunity to show his annoying face at every promotional interviews. What a pointless role he had, anyone could do it, even Celina jaitley could do it just as good/bad(use discretion). The only movie of his I have ever liked is “mr India” but mostly because he was invisible in it.

The other thing which has come to my attention is that the UPA has taken credit for the success of this movie(including the Oscars). Great going you assholes, the government has actually subtly celebrated the fact that it is because of them that these slums are there and hence the credit should go to them as well. Another feather in the cap,eh?

I think our problem lies in the fact that we try to celebrate any damn thing thrown our way, even when Obama won, every little shit bag out there just couldn’t stop foaming at their mouths thinking that their messiah had finally come to set them free. Little did they know that Obama’s policies won’t be that good for India considering he has already taken a stance against job outsourcing and has even planned to stop giving visa for 10 yrs period( called H1 visa I think). Celebrate now u dolts. Still foaming?? Screw it, probably would bitch about this later as and when I have a bad day(or not) but until then, fuck off.

Branica Counters

BREATHE IN , BREATHE OUT.............THAT WILL BE RS5000 PLEASE

I wasn’t going to write about this but recently I was subjected to some spiritual-yoga classes compulsorily which pissed me off big time and hence this post. Don’t worry I don’t have any grudges about yoga or your ancient breathing techniques, really, if you think it works for you then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t spend a fortune learning basic breathing techniques or learning how to be a better human being from a long haired, bearded man. My problem is with the way they portray it among the masses and the way the masses portray them.

All of this just looks like a big marketing ploy to me. Even the famous ‘art of living’ foundation is more like an ‘art of marketing’ foundation. I mean all they do is repackage the same breathing exercises given by just about any other person and make it look attractive by having a suitable leader to profess it. Invariably most of such leaders you see have long hair,beard,wear white or saffron and always have that peace and tranquility look on their faces which is basically to show that they are above it all and that they know some revolutionary truth about life that you don’t. I just don’t understand why do they have to add a “sri” before their name and then to top it off they add one more and make it “sri sri”. I mean really, are these leaders having some ego battle with other leaders to show their greatness. Who gives them these titles anyways?? Stupid.

Then come the claims of his greatness because of his acts and lectures throughout the world advertised either in his congregation or on his website. Here is a sample headlines from the ‘art of living’ foundation website.

What pissed me off more is the thing which is written on their front page and highlighted in bold so as to attract the customers.

You know what guys,just because an organization is non profit doesn’t mean that it’s something really benevolent. One simple example- terrorists. They pretty much try to do the same thing,that is to profess their beliefs without making money. You think people who make profit don't do you good or don't have good intentions??So trying to rationalize the intention of an organization on this basis is inherently stupid. The person in context may be doing it for self satisfaction-that’s his profit and it is only that it happens to be accepted or termed as “good for society” which lets him off the hook. Its only a response to demand and supply and nothing more. Talking about demand and supply they do transfer essentials from other countries to poor regions of different countries like Africa but then for how long??

They teach those people there yoga. I am just thinking that when a child cannot get one small cup of rice the whole day then I don’t think yoga or any spiritual healing can fulfill that. They don’t need righteous speeches but something solid to build their economy because things cannot run on charity for too long,but hardly any major steps regarding this has been taken up by these organizations. This doesn’t mean that whatever they are doing is not helping ,it might be, but all I want to say is that if people think that taking up courses on such breathing exercises is making them a better human being or really happy and free or spiritually enhanced as they claim then you are just kidding yourself. Meditation or breathing might improve your concentration but it sure as hell won’t change the person you are . If you are an asshole now ,neither 10 minutes nor 10 months of “square breathing” is going to change that, you would still be an asshole. Just because you gave money to enroll doesn’t mean you are going to go through some transformation or going to learn some supreme way or art of living.

I dunno why they focus on not getting angry, I say anger is required,that’s one of the basic emotions since birth. When a child is happy it smiles and when it is unsatisfied and angry it cries,why do we need to change our basic emotions. Being angry is absolutely necessary , seriously people,one day just lash out at every fucking person you are angry at and I bet you, you will atleast feel ultimate satisfaction which even 10 months of “square breathing” can’t give or at the most may be getting fired. So joining art of living or getting fired ,either way you loose money,so why not the latter.

Ok then ,just let me sum it up for you . All these organizations or “sri sri ravi shankar” or any other such person is nothing more than a salesman to me who comes knocking on my door in the middle of the afternoon trying to advertise his stuff, I either look at it or just close the door if I don’t like the service being offered. Assuming to be offered anything more than that is simply a mistake and an overstatement.