LIKE A TURTLE ON ITS BACK

Yes that’s how helpless we have been rendered due to our government policies about terrorism. The entire afternoon I thought about talking about each and everything about the recent attacks but then decided not to as it has all been said and done. I am still waiting since the time of the train blasts for our policies to change. The only thing I see at fault is our policies which are always pussy footing around this issue by not sending a strong enough message back to the terrorists(in the way they can relate to,like killing the captured ones on live tv and sending them back a copy of the video saying "greetings" or just feeding him to the public for good old fashioned mob justice) instead politicians choose to come on air and patronize us about our spirit in such times.

And yes,this is to all Mumbai people,stop saying “we are the one’s who are responsible for letting this happen”. No you are not,stop acting like martyrs trying to take the blame, do you mean to say you would have checked the waters for boats or that you failed to spot a terrorist when he walked amongst us. We were all vigilant , but there are things which only special squads can handle, not the regular working common man.

I said I wouldn’t talk much , so personally as reform is concerned, I would like the complete separation of politics and police after a certain level giving them a better flexibility to work, and if possible by government atleast the basic minimum requirement for our police so that they are able to act more efficiently,hell, I am even willing to pay slightly higher taxes if its necessary.

:-(

No no this isn’t the kind of post where I tell you about my innermost thoughts or any of that rubbish . Though , I will tell you why I am sad, its simple- they banned “Deshdrohi”.
I mean I just cannot win. Whatever I like to enjoy they just take it away from me.

I am the kinda guy who laughs when someone trips and falls. I am the kinda guy who watches nascar just for the crashes, I am the kinda guy who likes to watch movies like “Harold and kumar go to white castle” and “Austin powers” . What I am trying to say is I am a guy who has good taste, and based on this I have come to the conclusion that Deshdrohi is a really awesome movie for all. I will even go so far as to say that I love KRK(that’s Kamaal Rashid Khan). Who’s he?? Allow me.

He is the strange little guy who has taken over all our bus-stops,buses and billboards. He is the strange little guy who carries a gun just out of spite,he is the strange little guy who is misunderstood by all. He is KRK. One fine day this guy just decided to come down from the north to modestly hand everyone their asses on a platter and in the process unknowingly ended up handing his own too, and that’s where I come in. This is where is thought to myself “no,that’s just too good to be true”. But it was.

But sadly enough I haven’t seen the movie,why? Simple, because I stay in maharashtra . I don’t know what could the government have against such a light hearted comedy flick,really,I don’t get it. I mean all the guy does is shoots everyone and then follows it up with a ‘unity in diversity’ kinda statement. Whats not to like in this??this is gold!!

By the way just a passing thought about, whether the government should have banned the movie because it was “so controversial” or taken action against the very same people who threatened to burn the state as an reaction to a B grade movie maker??

Anyways back to the movie, I think it has 4 heroines ,out of which 2 are gracy singh and kim Sharma. Now I am not aware of what goes on in bollywood but I think its safe to say that the worst way to nose dive to one’s career’s end is to go on to do B grade movies after mainstream cinemas(that’s for you gracy) and as for kim Sharma, I think I prefer seeing her in B grade movies,good for her.

For all you folks who thought that this is just another run of the mill B grade movie which has sex,violence,car chases and skewed fighting scenes,well ,you all are wrong because this movie has all that and more!! And those are awesome dialogue deliveries with great panache,here’s a few..

Only a few people have the ability to produce and act in their own movie and steal high profile Bollywood actresses from the industry and still fewer who have the audacity to fight 2 dozen cops with just one pair of torn jeans and some badass attitude/gun. And that my friends is KRK.

But noooo, I can’t have any of that as I sit here alone in my room staring at the wall while the rest of India will get to enjoy this marvel,I just hope piracy comes to my rescue or the people having LAN , help a brother in need.

THINGS GONE WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

Tv sitcoms- there are just too many of these train wrecks being aired nowadays. Thank god atleast the barf fest of F.R.I.E.N.D.S stopped. I can still recollect those college days when girls and boys(potential girls) used to get together just so that they could discuss about the “friends” episode they saw last night and used to talk about each character. Man ,I used to hate them.

Worse was when girls picked up styles from these sitcoms,all of them walked around like drones of latest “what’s hot and what’s not” culture . All of them were just one beauty magazine away from being complete air headed bitches. You couldn’t have a conversation with them without throwing a fit,trust me.

Music-I can’t even begin to describe how fucked up the scene is. Everyone nowadays goes for that shit peppy music or totally dark music,nobody listens to good stuff like clapton and knopler anymore. All they want to hear is some blonde girl with straightened hair talking about how she is a trapped soul in a beautiful body BooHooo.......YUCK, just makes me sick. These people just make me sick,which brings me to my next point…..

People-yes,there are just too many dumbasses prattling around nowadays,there are just too many of us everywhere trying to manipulate and playing mind games to control our little lives about which nobody gives two shits except for our selfish selves. Competition this and success that,I am tired of this shit. Biologists shouldn’t find ways to increase human life span rather should find ways to decrease it, lets just say to a maximum of 25 years. No more competition,no more worries about success. Because lets face it , we all are big leeches anyways ,moochin off and milking all the resources for what its worth till we have no more, and no, I am not an environmentalist ,really, cos there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a chain saw screeching through wood(or george bush).

The “youth”- why is it that whenever I hear this word all that comes to my mind is body piercings,tattoos,hip jeans,awful ringtones and slick hair. Really people, what’s wrong with youngsters nowadays. I see their loud obnoxious dumbasses at every coffee joint. The other day too one guy ordered a black coffee(cos that’s what teenagers drink everyday) as he claimed that he liked the taste but couldn’t handle the taste because he was a pussy and added atleast 4 sachets of sugar so that he could have a fruit punch. I mean really guys, who are they trying to impress, what’s the point if you really don’t want to do something and still do it anyways to look all sophisticated. And their heads are all gassed up too with that cliché that ‘youth is our future’. Hell no, responsible people are , not any random teenager who spends hours together on the cell phone. Seriously guys, the voting age should be lifted to 22,oh wait……nah forget about it.

Tom cruise-just choke already , I hate you(besides hating your acting).

Neutrela/soya chunks-what the hell are these things anyways,feels like rubber and no taste,yuck. It’s not even food,they just sit there floating around in whatever you put them. makes me sick.

Karma – the next person who talks about karma ,yoga or inner peace gets punched in the face by me. All they do is sit around and listen to mystic music in weird god awful poses to attain “inner satisfaction”. I mean come on,get a real job you assholes.

Politically correct-I have had enough of such words and such people. Do they mean something different than usual when they say those words? I swear,if I hear one more person saying ‘african american’ or ‘speech impaired’ or any shit like that I am going to bust open their chops. Really ,don’t try me.

Beg to differ?? Let me know, oh wait even better , get bent.

Branica Counters

41 SYMPTOMS TO LOOKOUT FOR

Have you ever wondered if you are a dipshit, or ever thought why people get skin rashes when you are around? well think no more as I shall provide you with a definitive guide of the symptoms which will put your questions to rest.

You know you are a dipshit when you-

1. try your level best not to make noise when you eat your chips(its not possible without looking stupid).
2. are out with your friends at a restaurant and you promptly divide the bill right down to paise.
3. start writing something with—“dear diary, today I saw him again……..”
4. pronounce the name of an italian dish from the menu with an accent at a restaurant.
5. tip 5%
6. watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s
7. don’t watch simpsons,south park or family guy.
8. when your life has something to do with the colour pink.
9. press the elevator button though you see someone has already pressed it and is waiting right besides you.
10. whistle while you take a leak or make annoying relieving noises.
11. constantly look at the taxi meter during the whole ride.
12. say ‘why don’t you do something about it’ when you hear someone bitching about politics.
13. when your idea of love is some sappy romantic movie.
14. use the word ‘dude’ too many times in a sentence.
15. write sappy poems just so that a few girls can read it and go moist.
16. write something philosophical in the ‘about me’ section in your online profile.
17. suddenly repeat the same jokes which you said 5 minutes ago when a girl is around.
18. have an online name as ‘backstreetboyz156” or “spicegirl69”or/and if you listen to backstreet boys or spice girls.
19. say that you have never watched porn.
20. walk in the middle of the street.
21. surrendered your soul to your girlfriend and only got constant bitching in return.
22. say that you have never once looked at a woman’s rack while talking to her.
23. are a guy and wear perfume and also know its brand name and fragrance.
24. light scented sticks and attend spirit cleansing courses.
25. have used the line ‘ I want to give something back to the society’(please,eat shit and die).
26. constantly bitch about other people without realizing that nobody gives a shit.
27. have a fish for a pet and you name it ‘queeny’.
28. check yourself at every reflective surface while walking by the shops.
29. forward stupid chain mails which say “ do this or get your dick chopped off”.
30. greet each other with “ hi babes…” followed by the paralytic tilt of your head to the side.
31. talk to yourself and pretend that you are Clint Eastwood from ‘good bad and ugly’ when you are alone , even worse if you do it infront of a mirror.
32. use cheat codes to finish a difficult game.
33. are the last one to stand for the national anthem before a movie.
34. talk to the computer when it hangs.
35. sign into orkut and the first thing you see is the number of profile views yesterday.
36. when you play the imaginary air guitar to every ‘slipknot’ song.
37. are the kind of person who looks at his handkerchief after he sneezes.(gross!!)
38. went to a movie and claimed to have come out a little wiser.(stop learning about life from movies, oh and eat shit and die)
39. go out of your way and act modest about everything.(fuck you, everyone can see through your fake bullshit, just stop it)
40. constantly bitch about smoking and say ‘smoking causes cancer’.(holyshit, smoking causes cancer!!? we didn’t know that. please, don’t be a nagging “social reformer”)
41. are getting pissed off because you just realized you have more than 1 symptom from this list.

I was going to mention a few more but I think these many will be enough to get you all thinking. If you have a symptom from above well all I can say about you is

“If you could spare a penny for a thought you would probably get back change”

and if you don’t have any of the above symptoms(ya right) then do let me know, you just might be tagged awesome in my book.

Oh , ya and by the way for people suffering from more than 1 of these symptoms I think its safe to say that there is no hope, spare us the effort and choke yourself and die, nobody will notice your absence.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THAT

The nuclear deal, yes ,that. This is the only thing of utmost importance affecting our country today (other than inflation) . I know , I know , the very first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word nuclear is may be uranium or a nuclear bomb(which is cool as explosions rule) but this is much more than that . Surely if you have been watching the tv or have been reading the papers you might have seen how much of a political mileage this is creating .There are always those people who support it and those who don’t , unfortunately both of them are politicians.

So what’s the nuclear deal and what do I think of it? I know that I don’t know all the clauses in this deal(123 clauses) but there are a few things that are surely debatable as per the people who oppose it. But since I don’t believe in diplomacy I will take a stance about it and it is this- I support the nuclear deal for now.

The opposition has been bitching and moaning on various stuff about this nuclear deal, the favorite ones being that the deal is not in the interest of the nation or that it doesn’t favour the muslim community(I don’t know what’s the connection). Though they were bitching and moaning they did have one valid point about the non –availability of a triparty agreement. It simply means that if America becomes a spoilt sport and cancels the deal the guys from IAEA(international atomic energy agency, they supervise civil power consumption of reactors) will still be hovering our asses and checking out our nuclear consumption in civil sector though the fuel will be ours then. So one might think that America is able to finally get a sneak peek into our nuclear handling this way because they failed to make us sign their nuclear non-proliferation treaty last time. The opposers were saying that if America breaks the deal then the deal with IAEA should also be broken, that’s the whole triparty agreement agenda. This point is quite valid.

Inspite of these reasons I would still like to support the deal because that’s the need of the hour as of now. I really don’t care about nuclear tests as of now because our main concern should be to increase the use of this form of energy which meets only 3% of our current demands . Almost all of the power reactors run at half the efficiency and it can certainly increase contribution by building up more reactors and at full efficiency. Just look at france , it practically runs on nuclear energy, more than 50 power reactors are there in france. The point is this , we really don’t have much uranium, so if someone has uranium and has a few clauses attached with it, what’s the harm? Because we can later be self sufficient. Allow me to explain.

What we have in large amounts in south besides dosas and idlis and people who are darker than their shadows are huge thorium deposits in the sands, one can practically get a radiation reading with just sampling the sand. So once we have enough plutonium with the help of uranium fission we can use it with thorium to get uranium 233(radioactive) which can be used in fast breeder reactors to convert it to energy. So according to me what we are looking at are more fast breeder reactors in a decade or so. This is really a good deal if you look at the big picture and when India is sufficient enough it no longer has to stick to the deal or when the expiry date of the deal kicks in.

Saying all of this doesn’t mean I support congress or some other political party because I think most of them are full of shit on this thing and plus the only leader I will ever agree to be led by is , me, just trust me on this, I would rule way too much if I were a leader but that’s a discussion for some other day. The reason I think most of them are full of shit can be seen if you can just switch on the tv, they are practically switching sides in favor of money and political mileage . Also the opposition which started off saying that they oppose the deal now have shifted their focus on how to topple the government on this issue. One can actually see blatant buying and selling of support going on as if we are all playing a big board game of monopoly on this nuclear deal. Since this concerns nuclear material and atoms and other such stuff I have found a almost perfect geeky explanation for the resemblance of the politician’s behaviour to the electrons in the atom(though electrons are not of nuclear concern). You know how the outermost shell electrons are loosely bound compared to the innermost and how easy it is to break them away from atoms with a force , the same thing is with political parties, the atom being the political party, electrons in various shells- the politicians(each one with his own price tag) and the force-money and political mileage. strange is the similarity on the microscopic and macroscopic, isn’t it? Ok before this gets any more geekier or philosophical I will come to my next point.

People. Yes , what the hell is wrong with them? most of them don’t even have a clue about this deal . last night I saw one reporter ask a girl a simple question that which are the two countries in light with this nuclear deal and the dumb bitch just couldn’t answer!!
There were few more people who were asked that did they have any idea about the nuclear deal and all of them just laughed it off and said , ya its about bombs and stuff. What the fuck is wrong with people? Why do they beg so hard to get their asses kicked by me? These are the same people who will stand tall for reservations and quotas for furthering their career but refuse to give a rats ass on such bigger issues. And most of them have this one new age bullet proof defense, hey why don’t you join politics and do something about it. Listen assholes, no I won’t join politics but I sure as hell will make my point instead of frittering away my life in ignorance. Oh wait , I think that’s called democracy and freedom of speech but I guess you wouldn’t know.

I know why well-mannered educated youth doesn’t care. That is because no matter what happens, when they go out of the house tomorrow to the coffee joint and sip their coffee it would still taste the same, Fridays will still be the movie day, trains will still be crowded, buying latest fashion would still keep them occupied, how their hair looks would still be an issue and they just couldn’t care less about anything else. I am not trying to sound 60 but seriously just because you can sing the national anthem doesn’t mean you care about what’s happening in the country( atleast the ones which really matter), it just means that you know a song. Really man, people are the worst.

GET YOUR MOVIE REVIEW RIGHT HERE

You know how sometimes directors make their movies all spooky, then go ahead and make it even spookier, then again go ahead and try to make it even weirder but finally end up looking stupid. Well,this was certainly one of those movies. This was by far the undisputed mother of all dumbass movies, no other movie came even close to this one, not even the movie ‘Mars Attacks’.

You know how when you are sick or have high fever and your dumbass keeps saying incoherent shit when you are sleeping , I think this is exactly how night shyamalan came up with the concept for his latest train wreck. The trees are spraying neurotoxins in the air which makes us want to kill ourselves. There it is , that’s the plot. If I did ruin your chances of having the ‘almost zero’ thrill in the movie, well, you might as well read ahead.

The movie starts off with people turning into dumbasses at random and killing themselves( this is where I thought that I had made a wise decision to see the movie). Mark wahlberg , his wife in the movie( who only kept looking at her cellphone the whole time) and john leguizamo star in this movie.I use the word star loosely here. Oh ya,By the way john leguizamo is in the movie, who?? Exactly. But he dies half an hour into the movie(which was cool) like a dumbass, which barely required his acting skills. Anyways I thought till now this was a good plot, I mean , people dying randomly, john leguizamo gets killed, what more could I hope for. But then wahlberg,his wife and a kid start their run from death in a vague attempt to thicken the plot. On their way they meet a man who sports a ‘country bumpkin meets hippy’ look and he really likes hot dogs. He also knows quite a lot about plants for a man who sports that kind of funk. So now wind blows, trees flutter, some people die, mark wahlberg blames the trees and then they pick up their skirts and run. 2 kids get shot and then they meet this old hag in this barn, but then she dies, which was ok with me(believe me she deserved to die, she had issues). Then mark wahlberg gets separated from the wife and the kid in two different rooms which is connected by a tunnel which enables them to talk to each other. Then they talk about their first date and other mushy stuff, then something happens , everything is back to normal, the wife is pregnant but again the killing starts and the movie ends.

You know those couple of seconds after you get up in the morning when your mind is blank and numb and you can’t think straight and you end up scratching your butt , this is exactly how I felt after the movie. He even had the nerve to finish the movie with an ecological speech about how man is destroying everything and how this is a warning sign by the trees, oooh holyshit!, I am so fucking scared now, I bet I should go and water my money plant back home or it might get angry and spray me with that dumbass toxin. Stupid. Is it too much to ask for a movie to make sense sometimes. I think not.

An honest but pathetic attempt has also been made to cramp in some comedy(don’t know why). I think there were 2 instances but I don’t remember them as I was mentally numb by that point.

The only good pay offs in the movie was when that truck hits the tree and when that dude lies down infront of the grass shredder. That’s it. Only 30 seconds of fun and 90 minutes of coma inducing plot.

This made me wonder about the reason for Shyamalan’s endless line of movie screw ups from his shit factory. I mean, really what the hell is wrong with him,is he troubled? What’s with this infatuation of his about killing people, dead people, spookiness , aliens…., really , cut that shit out, its annoying. Either that or he is constantly surrounded by the dick-suckers who praise him blindly . I can just imagine how the conversation must have went before the making of this movie

Dick-sucker1: last night my wife repulsed me in bed again, so I went downstairs and watched the discovery channel , did you see that documentary about global warming and its effects on trees?

Dick-sucker2: No but I saw the one in which they talked about the effects of different neurotoxins on human body. buuurp…. I hate my life.

Night shyamalan: Wait a second ,what did you say, neurotoxins , trees, global warming…….hmm , heeeeeyyyy why don’t we make a movie about……………………

Dick-sucker1 and 2: oh! Brilliant sir! May we service your jewels now sir!!!?

Night shyamalan: [censored]

What night shyamalan really needs is a dropkick to his face or in other words my expertise, to get him back in touch with reality. I guess watching myself take a leak has far more thrills and a better plot than the movie ‘the happening’. Heed this warning, don’t see ‘the happening’ . I am bored writing this , I think I will go take a leak now.

GET OFF THE 'ACCEPTANCE' BANDWAGON,ITS TOO CROWDED

The other day I was reading the paper when I was being constantly disturbed by loud music cos the tv was on. Tried searching for the remote, but that didn’t work out so I decided to continue reading and tried not to get bothered. But then I kept on hearing sounds of people yelling and drums , so I finally put down the paper. I don’t know which channel it was,may be travel and living or discovery but what they were showing was a gay pride parade or some ambiguous sex pride parade, either way it was too annoying and loud. There were half naked (which half don’t ask) men wearing black leather tights with minimal clothing who were celebrating something and profusely groping each other. Some even wore wigs and shaved their legs and were doing the whole Vegas showgirls dance number and all of them had a big fat smile on their faces. I immediately asked myself why the hell are they doing that?? What’s the point?? They all kept saying that ‘I am proud to be gay’. Ok,so you are proud to be gay,but what’s with all that nudity and groping, what kind of message are you sending. Is it that all gay men like to do is get it on with each other?.stupid. They also kept saying the words acceptance and tolerance. I don’t know what they mean by acceptance and tolerance exactly, its not like I go and burn their house down or poke fun at them at a general purpose store by showing them the direction to the tampons section. You know what I hate-people who claimed to have come out of the closet by saying that they are gay/lesbian. Newsflash- nobody cares. If its acceptance you want then you shouldn’t have to go ahead and declare stuff like that and say you are coming out of the closet. Just shut the fuck up. If you are gay,fine,be so, whats there to celebrate and to be proud about. You don’t see me organizing a ‘I am proud to be a man’ parade. Its absurd and believe me its not creating awareness(overrated) at least not in the right direction.I know what you guys might be thinking “man this guy is such an asshole and such a homophobe”.

You know what guys,I know it’s the 21^st century and all, and all of you are really broad minded and open to anything and probably cream in your pants everytime you use a politically correct jargon but let me just stop you right there. I am not a homophobe , I am more like homo?idontcare ,I don’t mind the company of a gay dude but if the gay person is hitting on me knowing that I am straight and you still call me insecure and narrow minded then you are an asshole and so is this gay dude. There are many things in life I don’t want to experience and a gentle caress of another guy’s hand on my thighs is certainly one of them. Is that too much to ask? And if you still don’t get the message then you are just looking for trouble .

Being gay is fine but if you go out of your way and try to prove your point then it just becomes lame.

Personally I am not a big fan of the whole ‘acceptance’ movement which initially gays started, mostly because I didn’t think it was that necessary.

Nobody cares.

But what has really been bothering me is that now every damn person who has a certain sexual preference is trying to jump on the “acceptance” bandwagon. I mean everyone is coming out and saying they are bisexuals/bicurious (i.e prefer both men and women), trisexuals (men, women, animal/furniture/gays/ice cream truck/….) ……I don’t know what’s next, may be quadrasexuals and pentasexuals. The thing is that most of the people who claim they are so, most of the times are so because they were experimenting. They say – I am heterosexual but I also like to experiment . oh ya! Is it? Why don’t you try experimenting with “JUST SHUT THE HELL UP”. Nobody cares what experimentation you did and please don’t come crying about worthless acceptance issues later, especially wannabe trisexuals. You know its not about tolerance and acceptance but most of it is just about the fact that you are so damn horny all the time that you can’t even think straight, you probably would hump anything that moves(probably even got a boner while watching the movie ‘planet of the apes’ ). Nobody gives a damn about your experimentation. Really guys, if some of you are trying to experiment then for 1 sec just try to stop thinking with your dick and use your brains. Just because you like to hump everything doesn’t mean that what you have to say is important. You are not coming out of the closet, you are just being an idiot. Nobody cares. Just stop it.

I even went on online discussion boards to check out people’s views on this issue , and expectedly there were clearly two groups – one supporting and other against gay laws. On careful reading I came to a conclusion that they were both full of shit.

The supporters kept on saying that they were so happy for gays and we should be proud of who we are (which trickled into a standard righteous bullshit speech about ‘revolution in society’) or they kept saying to leave them alone which for the sake of argument on a discussion board became really boring when they said it for each and every thing their opposers posed.

And as for the people who opposed it sounded like they had just taken a shit-bath. One of the prominent arguments,rather the only major argument they had was that the bible doesn’t allow you to be gay and if you are you are sinned. You know what guys , the day I decide to live my life according to a book whose author doesn’t even know me(or the kinda person I am) is the day I will push myself off a cliff into a yard sale of rusted bear traps. Atleast I will die with honour. And there were some smartass dipshits who kept on posting the same dipshit phrase—god created adam and eve and not adam and steve.

Have to admit it was funny for like 2 seconds but nevertheless it was not even slightly argumentative, which naturally lost my attention.

My point is simply this, the acceptance bandwagon is too crowded anyways, get the fuck off it!! Just because you found some new kind of soft toy to shub up your ass with your pals to indulge in self abuse doesn’t mean you are unique or that what you say is of any importance. I mean really guys, who shall cry for acceptance next, necrophilliacs?? Pedophiles ??? I am too bitter to type anymore.

Branica Counters