GIVE ME THE DOUBLE WRAP EXTRA ACTION EXTRA CHEESE MOVIE WITH THE EXTREME KICKASS HOT SAUCE,HOLD THE BULLSHIT

You know just when i actually begin to even like the movie i am seeing the directors always manage to do something to annoy me and a leave a bad taste in my mouth after i am done watching.Why do they have to go and ruin it for me.It almost feels like the directors are conspiring against me and finding ways to tick me off.Just when i am relishing my undersalted,unbuttered butter popcorn they slip in some scenes which makes me wanna bite my tongue off due to extreme anger at being decieved.Here are some movies which i wanted to like thoroughly but the directors pissed all over me.

WAR OF THE WORLDS

MR BEAN OF THE MOVIE

This movie wouldn't have been all that bad if it didn't feature dumbass Tom Cruise.Throughout the movie he acted like a total dumbass and a yoekl who is a little touched in the head ,lets just say.The most annoying part was when he refused to tell his son what's going on for a sum total of 20 minutes in the movie,even after his repeatedly asking him about a modest 100 times. Instead he decided to prance like a little scared nancy girl who suddenly finds out that she has runout of stuff to wax her legs with.
Then what further annoyed me was how throughout the movie he tried to shield his daughter's eyes from the disaster around so that she doesn't have to face the regular harsh realities of life like abrupt alien attacks who want to paint the town red but with your blood.In the movie he was so scared that he talked to himself for half of the time and started having mood swings like a girl in "that" time of the month.Everything else was fine though the movie lacked coherency as i thought it came to an abrupt ending with the alien tripods wussing out and falling like flies.Other than that the movie satisfied all my manly needs of people turning into ash(not the actress) at the blink of an eye,aliens trying their level best to create modern art on the face of our planet with our blood and people having to kill each other over stuff they realy don't need,aaah!,all in all a good feeling.

PEARL HARBOUR

I went to the theatre with the hope of seeing another kickass mind rattling war movie like 'savin private ryan' or 'black hawk down' but what i found to my horror was a crossbreed of "friends" and "oprah".They totally gayed up the movie by introducing a old school love triangle.Few minutes into the movie you actualy begin to think pearl harbour was about america and its love triangeled pilots.Personally i felt kate beckinsale was a total slut for what she did .She pissed me off even more when she tried to justify herself by saying to affleck "you aren't suppose to be alive(sob sob)".You dirty whore sleeping around with his brother,you should have died in the movie.Anyways coming back from the emotional crap in the movie the war scene were not too bad and those japs looked pretty vicious too in their 'zeros'.Basically what the movie should have consisted of is japs threatning the manliness of america,american grabbing their nuts and sayin that they have got some major 'kahunaaas' and after that plain old brain splattering battle till the end,and as for kate beckinsale,affleck and hartnett i would suggest them a death by a modest'zero' missile,nothing too fancy.

DIE HARD

Now don't get me wrong here,i totaly dig this movie for all its action sequence and the "don't fuck with me or i will impail you,yippy kay yaay motherfucker" attitude of bruce willis in this movie.The only thing that was excruciatingly unsettling about the movie was that pain in the ass gay black cop in the movie who always keeps giving mclean the emotional support.Although all the cop was doing before the terrorist attack was stuffing himself with doughnuts and going around laughning and giggling with people on christmas like yogi bear,but only black,more like a grizzly yogi bear.Coming back to my point,i mean all this character was doing was bringing john mclean one step closer to buying tampons for the sequel to this movie.If he continued this conversation with this black dude for long it wouldn't have suprised me if mclean came out of the building wearing a pink frock , lip gloss and maskara.Thank god bruce willis had a gun in his hand and some european looking terrorists to kill otherwise this movie would have been a version of "girls gone wild" all over again.

STAR WARS-EPISODE 6

MY HEART WILL GO ON
This really aches my heart to write anything about star wars cos i love star wars just for the concept of a jedi and a light sabre and the force,i know all you guys practise your jedi moves when noone's watching,don't deny it,you are not fooling anyone.But i consider myself to be a fair man and man enough to criticize something that didn't impress the hell out of me in the movie.Now as a audience of star wars i would expect the battle between darth vader(father) and luke skywalker(son) to be a bloody awsum one,but when luke said'i will not fight you father' i totaly got enraged .I was like -shit this is a kick to the nuts.Instead of confronting vader luke starts to give one of his gay righteous speeches to vader about how there is still some good left in him,but vader with the attention span of a slut in a bikini manages to ignore it and still tries to chop luke's head off.But his righteousness alarm goes off when he sees palpatine zapping his son and making a fine BBQ of him(luke) infront of his eyes and then picks up palpatine and tosses him away like yesterdays garbage,thus causing palpatine's unclassy death.After this i realised there is still some more "father-son,wear a glove and lets play catch son" moment remaining in the movie.and i wasn't wrong.Vader accepts that he was wrong and dies giving another gay speech in his sons arms.Man ,i was thinking how could i circumvent this awkward 'vader feels blue' moment in the movie,this video on the following link totally describes what i was really picturising at that moment.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZBevXohCI

SCIENTOLOGY-FINALLY A SYNONYM FOR BULLSHIT

The other day i was watching south park where i was reintroduced to the topic of scientology.The moment i heard the name i knew that something terrible had happened and i would have to write a blog about it.I was kicking and screaming but in the end i lost and here i am writing about it.

THE SCIENTOLOGY SYMBOL(its to your left)


The visionary of scientology is L.Ron Hubbard.Hubbard is kinda like that guy who blows his nose loudly in public,and you try to pretend that you didn't hear it but you did which really pisses you off on the inside and gives you the urge to totaly stomp that guys ass to the dirt.He had come up with this theory in 1952 but had been marinating in its shit juices for quite some years even before that.The theory revolves around the "handling of spirit in relation to life".Now according to me there are only a few times when you can write such crap,when you are high on marijuana or when you just finished watching all seasons of 'friends' or when a hippie bites you or when you are actually told to do so at gun point.I wouldn't have frowned upon it if he stopped right there but noo,he went ahead and tried to explain everything in the world with his theory which really pissed me off at many levels simultaneously.Now i will present you some of the common beliefs of this theory

• A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body. haha thetan,it made me giggle.By the way thanx mr hubbard for defining the human body in the lamest possible way,plz do continue.
  

• The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body. K firstly the second part of the sentence was not required as it can be deduced from the first part itself.Secondly i am sure i have heard about medical science which actualy have facts supportings their claims.This sentence is a major blow to the nuts of the guys who came up with the structure of DNA and how it works.Although in Hubbards defense he can sell this script to Night Shyamalan.

• Through the Scientology process of "auditing"(which just means listening carefully) people can free themselves of traumatic incidents, ethical transgressions and bad decisions which are said to collectively restrict the person from reaching the state of "Clear" and "Operating Thetan." Each state is said to represent the recovery of native spiritual abilities and to confer mental and physical benefits. meaning-"look how confusing and clever i can be when i use all the big words in the dictionary at the same time while all i do is just try to define the state of a loser who is undergoing the phase of depression."
  

• A person is basically good, but becomes "aberrated" by moments of pain and unconsciousness. I think he is talking about all seasons of "friends" here.

• Psychiatry and psychology are destructive and abusive practices. What this jackass is doing here is subtly contradicting himself with the third point he mentioned above.

• The thetan (spirit) is described in Scientology as having no mass, no wavelength, no energy and no time or location in space except by consideration or postulate. The spirit, then, is not a thing. It is the creator of things. Well that's a smart way to define "nothing".But still it creates things such as trees,water,obsessive drunks,planets and the universe.Well then i gues it's time to shoot down the hubble space telescope since fag hubbard has answered all our questions regarding universe and its origin.Lets all push stephen hawking into a well because his theories based on facts are no longer required as our good friend hubbard here has "alreadybeen there and done that".While we are at it why don't we all take a good picture of einstien and take a leak on it one by one ,may be then Hubbard will be finally able to give himself a pat on his back.
  

• Scientologists subdivide the mind into the analytical or conscious mind, which is "totally accessible to the spirit," and the reactive or subconscious mind, which "unknowingly affects the spirit" and is said to operate "on an irrational, stimulus-response basis." Scientology describes the physical body as "a carbon-oxygen machine" of which the spirit is the engineer. Illnesses and injuries to the body are said to be relieved through the use of "assists." "Carbon oxygen machine"!!oh come on i am sure we all have things other than carbon and oygen,and "of which spirit is the engineer"!!! This sounds like he is trying his level best to teach about anatomy to a bunch of 7 year olds,this is nothing but baby talk.Seriously guys what right does he have to be so stupid.We should all go to his house one day and take his bananas away,cos sometimes this is the only way a chimp learns.
  

• Among these advanced teachings, one theory revealed the story of XENU(sometimes Xemu), introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confideracy." According to this story, 75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling 'Douglas Dc-8' airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today. Hubbard called these clustered spirits "Body Thetans," and advanced-level Scientologists place considerable emphasis on isolating these alien souls and neutralizing their ill effects.(this is not a joke according to scientologists)
  

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...............

TEST YOUR OBSERVATION POWER-

On further reading i found out that this theory has become a cult and as all cults it has become a religion too.Some of the supporters are tom cruise,john travolta,katie holmes and lisa marie presley.Scientologists have also come up with a device called the "E meter" which basically measures how good a thetan you are(its probably a coffee machine with a sticker saying
"E meter" stuck on it)

Based on the theory of scientology i have come up with a simple and elegant theory which the scientologists would approve of about the creation of universe.
Xenu had a daughter called Xena.Xena was crying one day because she wanted tasty cereals for breakfast.But Xenu got her something better,a cereal box with a free prize in it.Xena opened the cereal box and POOF!! here we are today.



How do you like that hubbard,you just got creamed!!!!

Branica Counters

MY INTERVIEW WITH GOD

ME-thankyou god for taking time out for this interview

GOD-no biggie

so are you for real or just a guy wearing a white sheet with a very high power lamp behind his head


no, i am the real deal,look i can prove it to you by telling you the next episode of friends which has not been aired yet

sheesh!fine fine i believe you,you don't have to scare me into believing you

haha,that one always works

so god is it true that you created everyone with your own hands?

yup,it was all me(smiles with a satisfied look on his face)

whooa! aren't you getting a little cocky there ,i mean some of your creations did suck ass.

like who(crosses his arm and asks me in contempt)?

k,how do you explain george bush,hitler and ved prakash(our limpdick incompetent prof),and this is just to name a few.

i sincerely apologize

k fair enough.so god i was thinking the other day what gives you the right to judge who goes to heaven or hell,i mean what makes you so right?

well i attend "reiki" classes for purity of mind and soul and plus i think i created you all so i pretty much own your ass anyways(gives me the middle finger salute)

k sorry ,i didn't know you were so touchy about this topic

well i am and learn to live with it

so god what do you with the other gods do to spend time around here, i mean sure,looking at white clouds and pure hearted people in heaven is a rush but still you must be doing something better

don't tell anyone bt me and the guys get together and play a game in which we guess how britney spears is going to screw up next over a round of beers and the remaining time we just watch reruns of "friends" and" beauty and the geek".

you know what,i am sorry i even asked.so god which religion according to you kicks ass i mean cristians,hindus,muslims............which one?

well i believe in the "xacitians" who worship koalas and show appreciation by head butting and eating fried tomatoes.

hmmm,might wanna go a little easy on the beer there,and a lilttle less of that friends should do you good too.

hmmm point noted

so what's hell like and can you tell us something about satan

oh ya satan's fine,nice chap,haven't seen him around lately,has been really busy for the past few centuries.last time he paid me a visit was when our mails got accidentaly exchanged.i still remember the days when we used play the britney spears guessing game together.oh,those where the days(wipes his eye)
oh! and as for hell its pretty much how it is here only difference is they have outlets of mcdonalds and dominos there.

i want to tel you something frankly,i feel satan kicks major ass.i mean sure he takes your souls and shit after you have had your wishes but what good is it after death since heaven sucks so much ass anyways.
and by the way when was the last time you got off your ass to help someone?do the words the crusades,dark ages,celiene dion,world war 1 and 2 ring a bell?wht's the deal with that?


well,you got me there but i don't have anything because i have made people who have coined stupid phrases like"god helps those who help themselves".that pretty much takes a lot of heat off me.haha,kinda feel like the CEO of a multinational company,haha.

(stern face)

so since you are god can you atleast help us by telling where osama bin laden is cos he's really messing up my "chi".


whoa! i don't want any part of this one,i will stay away from this one.man! i don't want crazy ass bush going nuclear on my ass for knowing where osama lives.if you want i can rat out enya,cher and celiene dion if u like.

thanks sherlock,but we already know about them.k then ,a couple of quick questions to wind it up for today.

shoot

is global warming a myth and if not are we screwed?

no it's not a myth and yes you all are screwed.

is the waiter from the hotel i go to evryday spitting in my coffeee?

yes.

should the rolling stones keep performing?

no

who was the bigger bitch,adam or eve?

eve

should i kill the tellitubbies?

yes

reliance or LnT?

Dunno

thankyou god for your time and"all your help"

no!,thank you!,i hope we can do this again sometime.

(ya keep hopin turd) ya sure ,bye now.

Branica Counters

NO!! I WON'T MESSAGE YOU MY OPINION

If i had to describe the news channels in one word it would have to be-SELLOUT.
Man, nowadays news channels are the biggest media for dissemination of instant bullshit throughout the country.They can make you gulp down their shit for hours together and youN wouldn't know a thing.

Everything on news nowadays sets my bullshit alarm flying.I can't imagine who gives a rats ass to why some miracle stone in some temple takes in alcohol,and if this wasn't enough they would get some anal retentive professor from some third world country to explain the bullshit and the audience eats all this up with a spoon.And why do they have to discuss whats happenin in some saas bahu program in news channel,it jus doesn make sense.Why do they think that anyone gives a damn about what rakhi sawant wore in some raunchy number she did or how dhoni changed his hairstyle or how the great khali is destroyin everyone in wwf,who cares!!! Do they realy think that they can unload such pigcrap on us and we won't notice it,cos i am definitely onto their bullshit and wouldn't flinch even once while blasting the brain of a reporter if i had a shotgun and it would be cool too as other sucker reporters will come running for the story but only to find the end of my shotgun's smoking nozzle.

What pissed me off even more was when a kid used to find a sweet hole to fall in and the whole day the news channel would be showing his struggle against death. And then when he is freed everyone grants him free education for lifetime.I ask where was all this willingness to spend the money before!!! You could have spent the same money on 10 kids education to get them to school rather than spending it on that one kid from the hole.This is what realy ticks me off,everything has to be a big show first and only then the news channel will unload their charity on some poor kid who doesn't even understand whats happening and use him as their marketing and promotional mascot.OOOH!!!and do they stop their bullshit here???no fucking way,all throughout the next day they will make you realise that their news channel gave the money for his education .

And just when i think that this was their last wave of bullshit at me (big mistake) i get punched in the face with some more bullshit like message us your opinion to 5656.WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT!!! Don't people know that profit from rs 6/sms is split up between the phone companies and the news channel,while you message your ass away with your worthless opinions they keep pointing and laughing at your sorry ass for falling prey to their "idiot catcher plan" of messaging opinion. And they wouldn't even stop from asking the dumbest of questions like "do you think its going to rain tomorrow?" or "will tomorrow's solar eclipse be a curse on the nation?",and still there will be people messaging in with their shit answers.And if the news channels don't get enough sms they will make up a fake pie chart and try to generalize the result for the whole nation.All this sucks balls,dinosaur balls!!! i gues getting kicked in my nuts by 10 great khalis would be less painful than letting them forcefeed their bullshit down my throat.

BUT YOU ARE STILL A DUMBASS FOR DOING SO!!!




conclusion- people reading this article still don't care what i wrote and choose to be bitch slapped by the news channels with their propaganda.

WHAT HE WAS REALLY THINKING

MY RECENT FINDING



I WILL GET YOU NEXT TIME......

I HATE BUTLERS

DEFINITION-A butler is a senior servant in a large household whose duties traditionally include taking care of any wishes of the family and the management of the other servants of the household.

MY INTERPRETATION-evil twisted asshole.

Man i hate butlers so very much.what is their job description anyway.They act like a family member around the house but still are doing all the useless shit work like bringing drinks and polishing things nobody gives a damn about.It's creepy man.
The word "butler" comes from the french word "bouteillier"which means a cup bearer.What the hell is this job suppose to mean.ooooh,step aside,i am a cup bearer.I personally think they have a hidden agenda and that they are all evil.
Now i know some people must be tryin to back them up by sayin cheesy lines such as"God serves man but he's not his servant,serving is the art of the supreme being himself".OHHH COME ON give me a break and cut the shit out,they are all evil and i know it.
One can always spot a spooky butler in some old mansion in england who answers the door with an expressionless face and has his chin up and looks down at you with contempt and talks in that high pitch accentuated irritating voice.Man this really pisses me off.What are you lookin at you worthless piece of shit wearing a penguin coat outfit and giving me the cold look.
I totally hated BATMAN'S butler Alfred in the movie.he just rubbed me the wrong way,always coming to the bat cave bringing tea and olive drinks and messing with batcave instruments.man!he should just die,he's not needed.I am sure whenever batman went out he secretly used to try on the extra bat costume infront of the mirror that sicko Alfred.
Even in novels i am sure all of you must have read atleast one book in which the climax of a murder mystery warms upto the sentence like "IT'S THE BUTLER!!!!!",and it turns out that all this while he was trying to kill his master so that he can inherit the property of his master he had so long desired.Why are butlers such assholes and why do people trust them.I HATE THEM.Even in the show 'the fresh prince of bel air' the butler always had that smug look on his face as if he knows something that we don't know and always trying to sound smart by saying some shitty one liner to which only he giggles to and then walks away.Man i hated him so much.

Listen all you butlers i don't care how qualified you are or how you passed out from a prestigious butler college you are not better than me and could never be, so just give me my drink and water the palnts and do some stupid ass shit like giving the cat a bath, serves you right you evil limpdick.
OH NO WAIT!! I have something even better for you.



LIKE MESSING WITH EQUIPMENTS,EH?WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS ONE ALFRED



AAAARRRGHHHHH!!!I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

IS IT A MAN!!! IS IT A WOMAN!!!, NO-its Leonardo Decaprio

The other day i ws flippin through channels relentlessly cos there was nothing worthwhile on tv as usual.Then i came across a scene on some channel where 2 girls where getting it on,so naturally i stopped on that channel.Don't judge me,everyone likes a little girl on girl action once in a while,even girls.Now mind you i was sitting atleast 4 metres away from the tv.Just when my body had started to show any signs of appreciation to what it was seeing ,on a closer look i found out what first appeared to be our regular innocent girl on girl action was more of a Leonardo Decaprio on girl action.I totally passed out cold instantly because of the trauma and fell and hit my head.(i am ok now,you guys dont have to worry)
WHO THE FUCK STILL USES HIM FOR SUCH SCENES????ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!! ,he might be a good actor but he sure as hell cannot pull of a sex scene,reason???,cos he is just too fuckin girly lookin.Come on you directors couldn't you atleast use a body double so that innocent people like me are not duped into believing something else.Dosn't matter what he does he stil comes out lookin like a nancy boy in his teens tryin to explore his sexuality by perverse methods.I am sure that we will find loads of panties n thongs n gowns in his dressing cabinet,most of which will be pink.I generally don't get pissed of with such steamy scenes when i see it in the theatre but if he is in it then i become extra cautious.Even during the movie Titanic when they where getting it on in the car i had a lot of trouble figurin out which one Kate Winslet was.So went back home and had a good bath to clean off the feeling of dirt and filth i had just seen.Its a must.
Seriously guys i strongly recommend him extradose high power testosterone shots every half an hour,that will atleast get him to a state somewhere between elton john ,an englishman and a regular heavy drinking,chainsaw loving man.



But for now i have taken the liberty to forward his name to the "international manliness detection comission"(founded in 1986) to get him judged for his manliness quotient.The RESULTS came back today.take a look.

MERCY KILLING-shouldn't be an option for some

You know i have never understood the concept of mercy killing ever.I mean how can someone else decide to pull the plug on someone,even if he is brain damaged.i just don't get it.
But the more i listen to Condoleezza Rice speakin the more i understand what mercy killing supporters are tryin to say.Hey guys her name is too big ,so henceforth i shall refer to her as BITCH.All of you must have heard her recent deductions for the cause of world hunger.The bitch thinks we indians have become so well off that we are actually able to eat,and not just eat,eat so much that we are causing food prices to go up.
Just when i finished hearin this the vein in my forehead started throbbin like anything,and i totaly punched my maid in a flash of blinding anger(she didn't press charges,she is very understanding).I mean seriously guys how can we let her live like this,this bitch first of al has the IQ of a dinner plate and secondly looks like a chimp with a prostrate problem(ooooh am i being too racist,who cares!!!!).We should realy put her out of her misery.She has suffered enough,its time that we did her a favour by putting her to sleep.We should immediately send off a goup of our finest hunters and totaly drag her ass back from whichever jungle this chimp is living in.





I don't know what this ignorant american is yapping about.Does she even know that the finest of every food material be it rice,mangoes,apples...... get exported first to the u.s.a and we indians actualy consume whats leftover.But noooo this bitch has to yap about how she thinks we are devouring the whole planet like a pest.For that matter americans even consume much more than everyone else not only in the food department but also in other sectors too.I still see hungry indians everywhere and i dont see them go and snatch someone else's food.Who wil explain this bitch that telling people they eat more just shows how much her head is up her ass.Get it out bitch and look around,u will see what an ape you realy are.
By the way aren't we paying for food even if we are importin it or buyin it,how is that suppose to cause economic instability and world hunger.listen bitch,people starved 50 years before and they are stil starving, noone has got anything to do with it,it's just that the economy of these countries is not there at all and thanks to maggot country like yours nobody can emerge as a developing nation cos then you wud slap their faces with stupid allegations like world hunger,climatic changes,species getting extinct,rising cases of teen pregnancies in u.s...............And if this doesn't satisfy you you would make them sign your pussy nuclear treaty which basicaly says that america gets the right to piss on everyone else whenever it feels like.
I cant believe she was the national security advisor .I mean how did she even get the job,did someone loose a bet or something???or the pussys at the white house were playin their weekly game of "Truth or Dare" with her n they dared her to join the commity.this sucks.America can never prosper ethically if they keep spawning out dumbass obnoxious loudmouth overovulating sex deprived bitches like her.
So as a caring human being i feel i should also do my bit for ending world hunger and i would like to propose the first step we all need to take to even head in the right direction.





GRAB A PLATE..............................burp