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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

GIVE ME THE DOUBLE WRAP EXTRA ACTION EXTRA CHEESE MOVIE WITH THE EXTREME KICKASS HOT SAUCE,HOLD THE BULLSHIT

You know just when i actually begin to even like the movie i am seeing the directors always manage to do something to annoy me and a leave a bad taste in my mouth after i am done watching.Why do they have to go and ruin it for me.It almost feels like the directors are conspiring against me and finding ways to tick me off.Just when i am relishing my undersalted,unbuttered butter popcorn they slip in some scenes which makes me wanna bite my tongue off due to extreme anger at being decieved.Here are some movies which i wanted to like thoroughly but the directors pissed all over me.

WAR OF THE WORLDS

MR BEAN OF THE MOVIE

This movie wouldn't have been all that bad if it didn't feature dumbass Tom Cruise.Throughout the movie he acted like a total dumbass and a yoekl who is a little touched in the head ,lets just say.The most annoying part was when he refused to tell his son what's going on for a sum total of 20 minutes in the movie,even after his repeatedly asking him about a modest 100 times. Instead he decided to prance like a little scared nancy girl who suddenly finds out that she has runout of stuff to wax her legs with.
Then what further annoyed me was how throughout the movie he tried to shield his daughter's eyes from the disaster around so that she doesn't have to face the regular harsh realities of life like abrupt alien attacks who want to paint the town red but with your blood.In the movie he was so scared that he talked to himself for half of the time and started having mood swings like a girl in "that" time of the month.Everything else was fine though the movie lacked coherency as i thought it came to an abrupt ending with the alien tripods wussing out and falling like flies.Other than that the movie satisfied all my manly needs of people turning into ash(not the actress) at the blink of an eye,aliens trying their level best to create modern art on the face of our planet with our blood and people having to kill each other over stuff they realy don't need,aaah!,all in all a good feeling.

PEARL HARBOUR

I went to the theatre with the hope of seeing another kickass mind rattling war movie like 'savin private ryan' or 'black hawk down' but what i found to my horror was a crossbreed of "friends" and "oprah".They totally gayed up the movie by introducing a old school love triangle.Few minutes into the movie you actualy begin to think pearl harbour was about america and its love triangeled pilots.Personally i felt kate beckinsale was a total slut for what she did .She pissed me off even more when she tried to justify herself by saying to affleck "you aren't suppose to be alive(sob sob)".You dirty whore sleeping around with his brother,you should have died in the movie.Anyways coming back from the emotional crap in the movie the war scene were not too bad and those japs looked pretty vicious too in their 'zeros'.Basically what the movie should have consisted of is japs threatning the manliness of america,american grabbing their nuts and sayin that they have got some major 'kahunaaas' and after that plain old brain splattering battle till the end,and as for kate beckinsale,affleck and hartnett i would suggest them a death by a modest'zero' missile,nothing too fancy.

DIE HARD

Now don't get me wrong here,i totaly dig this movie for all its action sequence and the "don't fuck with me or i will impail you,yippy kay yaay motherfucker" attitude of bruce willis in this movie.The only thing that was excruciatingly unsettling about the movie was that pain in the ass gay black cop in the movie who always keeps giving mclean the emotional support.Although all the cop was doing before the terrorist attack was stuffing himself with doughnuts and going around laughning and giggling with people on christmas like yogi bear,but only black,more like a grizzly yogi bear.Coming back to my point,i mean all this character was doing was bringing john mclean one step closer to buying tampons for the sequel to this movie.If he continued this conversation with this black dude for long it wouldn't have suprised me if mclean came out of the building wearing a pink frock , lip gloss and maskara.Thank god bruce willis had a gun in his hand and some european looking terrorists to kill otherwise this movie would have been a version of "girls gone wild" all over again.

STAR WARS-EPISODE 6

MY HEART WILL GO ON

This really aches my heart to write anything about star wars cos i love star wars just for the concept of a jedi and a light sabre and the force,i know all you guys practise your jedi moves when noone's watching,don't deny it,you are not fooling anyone.But i consider myself to be a fair man and man enough to criticize something that didn't impress the hell out of me in the movie.Now as a audience of star wars i would expect the battle between darth vader(father) and luke skywalker(son) to be a bloody awsum one,but when luke said'i will not fight you father' i totaly got enraged .I was like -shit this is a kick to the nuts.Instead of confronting vader luke starts to give one of his gay righteous speeches to vader about how there is still some good left in him,but vader with the attention span of a slut in a bikini manages to ignore it and still tries to chop luke's head off.But his righteousness alarm goes off when he sees palpatine zapping his son and making a fine BBQ of him(luke) infront of his eyes and then picks up palpatine and tosses him away like yesterdays garbage,thus causing palpatine's unclassy death.After this i realised there is still some more "father-son,wear a glove and lets play catch son" moment remaining in the movie.and i wasn't wrong.Vader accepts that he was wrong and dies giving another gay speech in his sons arms.Man ,i was thinking how could i circumvent this awkward 'vader feels blue' moment in the movie,this video on the following link totally describes what i was really picturising at that moment.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eZBevXohCI

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